Tired!

*note: i noticed that i like to blog late at night or early in the morning of the next day. so my blogs or wateva i put up is actually things tat happened a day before the stated posting date. i hope im not confusing. [:

dont know why but im beat. woke up at 10:30am today and realised tat i overslept. took a shower and got dressed to head out. was supposed to meet halim at 10ish. called halim and no one answered. kept calling like mad but still no answer. panicked. kept calling but still no answer. went back to sleep and occasionally waking up to try to reach halim. i was worried! tried to look for his home number but failed. called up CGH and checked if he got admitted in.. he didnt. so i was quite relieved. i officially woke up at 2 plus in the afternoon. then i suddenly remembered tat i was meeting sharon at 4pm.

so i got changed and set off to thomson road. was too darn lazy to take the bus so i took a cab. was only $3.90. hahah. saw sharon, gave her a big hug. weird hug it was. lol. sharon and i dont hug since we first knew one another and grew up together. we rarely hug so it was natural for it to be weird. hurhur. :Þ hung out and chatted and caught up with one another till 6 then she closed shop. she was working at mcds.. for her dad(her parents arent in town and her dad owns canteens to rent it out to otherss, the one at mcds is one of them). afterwards she drove one of the auntie employees back home and then dropped me off at chancery road. i had training at 7pm remember? heh. waited at the bus stop but the bus never came, so i had to take a cab to the esplanade. got there right on the dot at 7! wow. training was alrite.. quite interesting, roleplaying today. roleplayed ushers and patrons. hahahah. new kinky sex roleplay role. hahahahah. im insane.

the room was really cold. had to sit on my hands to keep them warm. jon called in the middle of it and asked me where i was. told him i was at the esplanade having my training. he said he was at the padang, outside the cordoned off area for the LINKIN PARK concert and he said he had a pretty clear view of the WIDE screen tv showing the concert LIVE. told him i would go over only after 10 when my training ends. then i found out tat i could actually enter the concert without paying! god! too late! why? cos my VO(venue officer) can just walk in!!! and i was thinking.. if he is going as well.. he can just bring me in!!! shit man. in the end it didnt happen.. cos i didnt wait for him and i just ran to the padang.

met jon there. didnt talk much. just enjoyed the music and sang along. it ended at around 10 plus coming 11pm. we left the place together and he said he was hungry and he asked if i was going home straight. i said yeah. we only talked to one another when necessary. i accompanied him to eat at S-11 beside the national library and then we walked to our bus stop to take a bus. his bus stop was different from mine but he still walked me to mine and waited with me. somehow, he decided to take another bus instead of the other and hopped onto the bus while i hopped unto mine.

just yesterday he told me tat he has no interest anymore and he doesnt want to get back together. then today i asked him again if he had interest, he tells me not now. i told him, "if it is not anymore, just tell me, dont tell me not now. cos ur making me think twice about fighting for this relationship n making me think twice about waiting for u to get tat interest back." i feel tat he is giving me weird signals. he says at the moment he is tired and he doesnt have any interest. and tat he doesnt know wat he wants. and at the same time.. he doesnt know if when or whether the interest will come back and AT THE SAME TIME, he wants us to go our own ways and concentrate on our own things. dont u all agree tat he is giving me weird and mixed signals? *sigh* oh well. he wants to go out with me on thursday. so i guess yeah we would be.

anyways, i gotta meet halim tmrw early at 7:30am. going to carry out wat was planned yesterday. go to CGH and get him admitted. will be accompanying him all day. then afterwards head to training. long day it would be for me tmrw. not enuff sleep for sure. oh well.. for halim.. its okay. my best guy friend. so no regrets or complains.

did i mention tat im sexually deprived now? and im sex starved? pardon me ladies and gents, but i am honest with myself and everyone else. :Þ

Helloooooooooo Tuesday!

Hey everyone! How's everyone doing so far? Thanks for tagging my board and for being so concerned. im better now. no more fever. stil got cough and the itchy throat, runny nose and phelgm. gross stuff i know. so im gonna stop.

i felt alot better on sunday. though i was still abit feverish and coughing. i worked on both saturday and sunday as well.. both of them at the west end of singapore. boon lay/clementi/jurong point/jurong east to be precise. guess wat? some friends actually spotted me there!! so paiseh! cassandra and regina saw me at liberty supermarket man! and i was like, "OMG! OMG! OMG! oh no! so embarassing!!" cassandra was like walking towards me and smiling widely while i was trying to hide. nice to see u there but i wished i didnt see friends.. i dont want them to see me in my get up! urgh. anyways, tat weekend i worked with timothy and bernard.. saturday and sunday respectively. my sis and i sold pretty well. quite satisfied i'd say. found out tat xiulan(the BA i mentioned before) got to meet nick the previous week at clementi.. when nick paid a visit to bernard there. xiulan was working with bernard on tat day. wah lao. heard from bernard tat xiulan went up to nick and said, "OH! so YOU are NICK?! WAH! I HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU!! SO many BAs say that you're so caring and nice!" and rattled on.

wah lao. when i heard tat, i panicked! i was thinking. FUCK. wat the fuck did xiulan tell nick?! did she tell nick tat i was one of the BAs? and confirm nick would think tat it was me who said tat. panic sial.. so just on monday, i smsed xiulan and asked her about it. she said she didnt mention me (thank god!) but i know tat nick would surely first think of me when it comes to tat rite? anyways.. i havent smsed nick since friday, pretty happy with myself for not msging him.

as for things with jon.. its really fucked up and complicated. i really dont think i want to talk about it here. peeps if u want to ask me about it.. maybe next time when we meet? sorry..

oh yeah! as for the Tiger Beer Roving thingy, its coming to an end soon. another two more weeks and i wont be doing it anymore. school's starting in less than 6 days. pretty excited about it. printed my timetable. i need to get a note book and some stationary. i guess i'll be pretty busy this week. esplanade training for another 2 more modules/days.. had training on monday, it was a site tour. fucking 2 hours plus.. just walking around the theatre hall and the concert hall, attempting to familiarize. tiring man. then tuesday is the embarassing and boring roleplay thing where we ROLEplay the situations and circumstances tat may happen. the last one would be on wednesday, the safety, security and fire evacuation thingy module. after tat i would officially graduate from the training! yay! woohoo! finally. two months of fucking training, worst part is not tat its two months, but its seven days/modules spread over 2 months! so i officially start work next week after i get all my stuff ready by tuesday. next tuesday, i would have to go back to the esplanade to collect my nametag, my user id, password, my lilac polo tee uniforms, go for fitting for the perfect nehru suits for me, go for photo-taking for our passes and etc. busy busy busy. tat means after tuesday, i can register for my first day of work in tat same week or even the following day! (:

oh yeah, back to my busy week. so mon-wed was training. today was supposed to meet sharon for awhile but something came up. had a row with jon again. then went for training, came home and blah~. the boring stuff. tmrw im going to changi general hospital with halim.. got some things to do. after tat if got time then meet sharon at thomson rd. after tat go for training.. then head back home.

wednesday i might be meeting xuanyi since he is enlisting in the army on thursday. would be meeting winnie i guess after her work for awhile.. maybe for dinner or just coffee. then go to the esplanade again for training. after training.. head to meet second sis at dbl o for ladies' night! anyone wanna come? thursday is my rest day, but its also the day i meet jon. dunno wat's going to happen on tat day. friday, saturday and sunday would be tiger beer roving again. and come monday! it would be school! (: tuesday would be school and then back to the esplanade to run errands.

so tats my schedule planned all the way till tuesday! so packed! so busy! will be even more busy!

another thing. was talking to liling about orientation for the freshies. im actually interested in helping out for it. weird. but i cant make it for the briefing, let alone for the orientation on thursday. la la la. sorry liling! wish i could join u!

hmm... wat else did i miss out? *thinks* OH YEAH! im thinking of holding this massive party at a chalet. i miss going for chalets or even organising such stuff. dont know when it would be. depends on how soon i can book it. im trying to get those bungalow type of chalets. then i can have a massive get-to-know matchmaking session for the girls AND the boys!! lol. the start of my pimping agency. LOL. i'll prolly invite the APB guys, my old asiaone portal web community friends, some of my old clubbing friends, my friends in poly, all my friends, friends' friends and perhaps friends from friendster too! i'd provide the food and drinks. but my party requirement would be.. bring at least a 6 pack beer each head. i miss the house party which ryan and i organised like in 2001. tat was great man. had like 70 over ppl come.. even ppl we didnt know but since we publicised! cam would remember! cos she was my barbitch. halim wouldnt remember much since he left early. ryan would remember since it was his house and his parents nearly disowned him cos the party was too wild. peeps would went would have remembered since it was free booze for all and the house was fantastic cos it had NO furniture. the chalet would have all the works man. food, alcohol, drinks, games, music, dancing or wateva.. and happening ppl! cant wait! just need to figure out some stuff.. like the location, the chalet and the availability. will let u all know as soon as its confirmed!

so tats all for now folks. im tired and i cant think of anything else i can remember to put down. heh. hope u all had a great weekend. do take care of ur health cos the flu is passing the buck and the weather's been pretty horrible. call me anytime to club or go out aye?! (: steph out!

SICK SICK SICK

wah liew. been damn sick. the full-blown flu has finally come down upon me. couldnt sleep properly all night last night. kept waking up. it was either tat the fan was too cold for me or tat i needed to pee, or tat i just couldnt sleep properly. the fever began during tat time too. it went on to morning.. i woke up at 7plus and i told mom tat im gonna follow her to the office so tat i can go see a doctor. she suggested polyclinic at toa payoh. but the wait at the polyclinic scares me. so i was like "erm.. dont want can?"

waited and waited for mom to get ready.. wah lao. she took damn long can. waited till 8plus then she suddenly said we're going to the clinic nearby at whampoa. then we walked walked and walked somemore. somehow.. dont know why, i had no idea which clinic mom wanted to bring me to. tried to guess but we walked so far and so much tat i really didnt have a clue. till we got there tat is.. then she said.. "aiya, should have walked the other way.." then i was like.. almost "peng".

waited for quite sometime for the doctor. waited for like 20 min. so long! then the stupid doctor didnt even check much. just ask me wat's wrong with me.. and ask me to open my mouth and he shone a torchlight into my mouth, listened to my breathing, took my temperature and asked me if i went to china or if i had rashes. knn. fucking 25 bucks can? anyways, my temperature was quite high. 38 degrees. but i think it cant beat the last time i was sick at jon's. tat one was 38.6 degrees. but still cant beat tat time i was little.. 39.3 degrees. -evil laugh- u all must think im crazy. lol

must be the medication! he gave me anti-biotics, 2 bottles of cough syrup and paracetamol, or in another words, panadol la. all tat for freaking 25 bucks. damn, i should have studied harder and become a doctor. charge alot and do little.

i thought i wasnt gonna go to work today.. but then i did. i actually did call my boss and tell her im sick.. but i also told her tat i WANT to work but im sick.. and i told her tat if she doesnt mind me going to work sick.. i'd go. then she asked me how sick i am. i told her i got fever, cough and basically the flu. she said if i dont mind she wouldnt mind lor. so i went.

mark was my sales rep today. i did call him to tell him tat im sick but im still gonna work. so he was really nice and concerned. he kept telling me.. if im really not feeling well, he asked me to call him and he'd let me go home early. so nice rite? pity i couldnt sell much beer today. only 1 carton. so freaking pathetic. my worst sundry record. fuck man. did i mention tat the sundry was at sleazy geylang with loads of whores? it was right beside the road, so much dust and smoke.. n it was so noisy with the traffic. if i had the voice, i would shout, but i dont. kept coughing like mad while working. the owner of the mini-mart very nice.. i want to buy drinks.. they say no need to pay.. "kaki lang". so nice.. :) but i feel damn paiseh leh. so tat was pretty much my day today.. or yesterday. since its saturday already.

well.. im gonna go rest now.. still working tmrw at jurong point. goodnight y'all.

Happy? Sad? Both?

met nick for awhile earlier.. he came by to return me my snoopy box. the snoopy box which i kept the banana crumbs muffins which i specially baked for him.

the meeting was brief and short. im happy tat i got to see him again after so long.. but sad cos i wish it was more than just this short meeting. i was dressed really down-to-earth, unlike the usual times which i met him.. i was just in a spag top and shorts.. tied my hair up in a ponytail and wore my glasses. it was the first time in which he saw me in my glasses and in super slack casual wear. first thing he said to me was... "nice glasses!" and i smiled and said.. "thanks.." it was a nice warm feeling to see him smile and hear his warm friendly voice again. i missed all of that.. and so much more. i guess i feel sad cos i wanted tat warm feeling to last.. but i cant do anything for tat to happen. alot of things when it comes to nick.. it is not in my hands.. i cant do anything abt it. sad but true i guess.

while i was waiting.. i was walking my dog too. nick's met piggy before.. and piggy recognised nick.. piggy was soo happy to see him.. ironically, so was i. piggy was jumping all around nick.. then nick mentioned tat he cant stay cos he had a friend in his car waiting for him.. so he went off. before he went off.. he actually patted my head. i gave a weird look to him.. haha.
while he was getting into his car.. he said, "you dont look tat good.." and i said.. "cos im sick.." and he said, "yeah i know.." and tat was it..

*sigh* i dont know wat else i can say.. cept tat im getting more sick.. can feel a fever coming down on me.. cough is getting worse.. and im really reaching the stage of full blown flu. hate it tat im halfway there. half sick and half not. semi-lethargic.

oh yeah.. met up with halim for breakfast.. i had peanut porridge, ngoh hiang and fish cake. halim didnt have anything. then we walked all the way to little india to find his henna powder. didnt find it. but at least halim ate something. he had masala thosai.. at kamala vilas. the best thosai ever! i didnt have any cos i was stuffed already.. after tat we both headed home.. i got home and slept.. woke up at like 2 plus cos i was awakened by feline(my boss)'s phonecall to inform me of my schedule this weekend. after tat i tried to go back to sleep but i couldnt. stayed up since..

then i got a phonecall from oliver. he asked me if i wanted to accompany him to do some shopping.. i said im sick.. but then wat the hell.. so i went along.. he came to pick me up.. he had his uncle's car.. so we drove to bugis.. then to suntec.. he got his stuff and then we headed home. got some nice news from him., he's dating a girl. so happy for him. :) then he sent me home.. and then nick called... and wat happened happened..

goodnight all. im really not feeling too good. thanks for being concerned. love u all.

so yeah.. from now on.. my blog would be more alive.. its going to be filled with pictures and stuff i guess. :) going to go grab a quick nap and get up to meet halim..

and this is jonathan.. who also looks better in person.. i think..  

thought i would let u people take a look at how nick looks.. though he looks much better in person.. guy on the left.. 

me and winnie at the ritz..  

A New Beginning!

gave a facelift for my blog.. hope u guys like the new change. i was getting bored of the old one.. so yeah. decided to change to girls. heh. its a fresher and a more uplifting one. did some modifications to it.

anyways. its a thursday morning now. wondering why the hell im still awake? well.. tats cos im meeting halim later for breakfast.. i know tat if i sleep now, i wont be waking up till at least like 2pm. so yeah.. staying awake.

been ill on wednesday. woke up with no voice. felt really under the weather. oops! i forgot to mention.. went to Wild Wild Wet on tuesday with jon, cam and cam's cousin mary ann. the rides were pretty fun but i wish i hadnt gone.. some stuff happened and im not too happy about it. i wish to write more about it but i really dont want to hurt anyone's feelings. let's just put it as i was comtemplating on reconciling with jon but wat happened at the water theme park changed my mind.

another thing. i was at one of the rides called tsunami.. this tidal wave ride thing.. it creates massive waves.. wah lao. im not tat great of a swimmer so i ended up drinking loads of chlorine water. yuck! maybe tat explains why i lost my voice on wednesday when i woke up.. since i started off with a sore throat before i went there and after the chlorine.. hahahha.. u all know the equation.

so tat was tuesday and wednesday.. other than the fact tat i was feeling sick and forgoing clubbing with the girls(winnie, hanizah, cassandra and etc..), i didnt go cos im left with 20 bucks till my next pay.. which is on the 5th of july. *counts* another 18 days. urgh. paid for jon's trip into the theme park as well as all the food and stuff..

nevertheless.. school is starting in less than 2 weeks' time. to be precise, its only another 10-11 more days to school. kinda looking forward to it.. since this holiday has been more of a rollercoaster ride than anything else. with nick and jon.. and everything else.. *sigh* i kinda NEED school to put the stability back into my life. or at least keep me and my mind occupied.

sharon's leaving on 17th july, jen just left, halim's leaving early next year.. everyone seems to be going somewhere or leaving to somewhere. one by one slowly, everyone is leaving me. sad.. lonely.. *sigh* feeling pretty melancholic actually. oh well, i guess it is all part and parcel of growing up.

anyways, im working as BA this weekend again. trying to earn as much money as i can so tat when school starts.. i would get cash. still need to do more shopping. great singapore sale still on. waiting for the levis' warehouse sale in early july. *evil laugh*

u know wat... actually.. ive been wanting to meet nick or see nick more than anything or anyone else. i really do. i miss him loads. god.. i sound like some lovelorn idiot. i dont love him. i just miss him making me laugh and all. i wish i could just get to see him before school begins and i'd be happy. i wish he could just let me..

oh well.. really nothing much i can do on my end.. he's totally outta my league already. lost to me i guess.. dont wanna have any form of hope anymore. just gonna get more hurt and disappointed in the end..

okay.. im gonna end here now.. alot of typing already. fingers r tired. this is for everyone else who reads my blog and r my fans. funny how some people say my blogs r not like others.. totally not boring like others.. weird... to be honest, i began this blog not to let the whole world know wat's going on in my life.. but for me to keep memories and read back into the past and relive precious memories. tats why.. if blogger shut down.. *touches wood* it'd mean i'd lose my precious memories too. thank u girls and boys for making this blog worthwhile and being a part of my life! *hugs n kisses*

What's Love?

Sorry folks, been awhile since i last blogged. been wanting to blog but yet havent really gotten to it. where to start? hmm.. last week was a pretty emo-fun-crazy-party-sadness filled week. nick came back on monday morning. know wat? till today, i still havent seen him since he came back. alot has happened.. i really dont know where i should start. nick came back.. went to work and faced alot of talk abt me and him. talk that wasnt true and talk tat made him feel edgy and uneasy. dont know why but i think it was since then tat he hasnt called me.. hasnt replied my messages and etc. i mean. he does reply my smses.. but just not as prompt and definite like before. he's changed towards me. he's not as passionate and not as feeling toward me. now he's pretty cold.

we both agreed tat we needed to talk and sort things out. so as the week went by, i really hoped tat he'd meet me or we'd go out but it never happened. he's always been busy and stuff. we arranged to meet for a movie on saturday nite but it got cancelled at the very last minute cos a friend of his needed to be 'rescued'. *sigh* i really do miss the nick i got to know.. i miss the kisses. the embrace.. the warmth of his hand.. the way he makes me laugh or smile and the way he makes me feel about him.

i hate the awkwardness btwn me and nick now.. but we've pretty much sorted things out last night. we didnt meet.. i got to speak to him over the phone for abit but tat was it.. nothing more. only sorted things out when i came back home and he was online too. he wants to be friends.. doesnt want anything more but just friends. he said he cant handle having something going on btwn us and yet not being together. but at the same time, he's not ready for a relationship. he said tat if tat kinda thing continued btwn us.. he knew tat he's going to run away from it soon after. so now.. we're just going to go out as friends, without the kissing and the holding hands.

i just found out.. tat in his definition.. we were dating. but now we're not. in my definition.. we're just going out.. dating yes but we're not together. argh. hate it. hate it how things have become like this. hate it tat we wont be dating anymore. but there's really nothing much i can do now. he's already decided. though i did message him n say tat if he ever changes his mind about us.. about dating.. let me know.. cos i'll be around. foolish me. oh well..

so back to wat happened in the past week. on wed i met up with 6 other girls for ladies night. winnie, cassandra, liwen, huiqing and etc.. we went to dbl o. me and cassandra were downing tequila shots most of the time. got quite high but sobered up in the end. halfway i had to go chinablack to meet nicklaus. another nick.. but when i got there.. he said something cropped up and he was at hilton drinking whiskey. so i made a wasted trip down to chinablack. jon was there. we kinda talk/argued. he wasnt happy tat i was high and tat i wasnt standing straight or talking properly. okay la. i was high, swaying from side to side and slurring. so wat? heh. he begged for me to give him a chance to win me back.. and words slipped out of my mouth.. i told him tat there is someone else in the picture.. nick. when jon heard tat, he smashed his phone on the floor and it went into pieces. i got pissed off and i screamed at him and said, "pick it up now! dont u dare do this to me!". then he picked his phone up. i could see tears in his eyes.

in the end, i agreed to give him the chance.. been pondering over my decision. i guess some part of me still wants to be with him.

afterwards i headed back to mohamed sultan to look for the girls. went back there and we didnt head into the clubs. we just hung around.. one reason was cos i was hungry. heh. we headed to the kopitiam nearby and i had my black pepper steak. yum! i really miss some folks back at mohamed sultan.. and also the food too.

by the end of the night.. where the clubs closed, the people came out either hungry or high. i got a phonecall not long after. jon called and asked if i wanted him to pick me up.. i told him its okay.. i can always head back home by myself and he can save the money. then he said tat i really wanted to pick me up and have me over at his place and spend time with me. he kept insisting.. so i relented. he came.. i said my goodbyes to the girls and we took a cab and headed to his place. sounds normal doesnt it? well.. there's more to it. never did i expect him to be even more high than me. halfway during the cab journey back to his place.. we had to stop to let him throw up. i ended up sending him back to his place and not the other way around. he said all he had was a heineken and a stout. but from the way he was behaving.. i seriously dont think it was just a heineken and a stout, must have been more than tat for him to have been tat high. funny how i saw him tat night.. it really reminded me tat it was exactly why i left him.. and wat i dont wat to go back to.

so tat was last wednesday night, thursday morning for u.

on friday, i worked.. collected my pay and since hanizah got a STUFF magazine invite for two.. we went for the launch party. the invite wrote tat the party was held at the pier at robertson.. so we went there.. who knows.. tat the party WASNT there at all. it was at zouk instead. only found out when we chanced upon a signboard tat told us tat it was at zouk. the invite did not mention anything abt the venue. fucking hell. wasted trip to the robertson. we grabbed a cab and went to zouk. by the time we got there, i missed the freeflow beer.. urgh. my favourite hoegarden man. no more. i had a disgusting tasting henessey green tea man. tasted like crap. no taste, no flavour. the show at the party was so-so.. nothing much. alot of goodlooking ang moh models.. but it was pretty boring. the party ended at 11pm.. so we decided to head on to Phuture instead. YEAH! PHUTURE! RNB! hurhurhur. it was so my kinda music. and so hanizah's kind of music. we both didnt want to be approached or disturbed by men.. so we decided to pass off as lesbians. lol. at phuture, they were having 1 for 1 for drinks. i had 4 coronas! lol. one after the other. like i was just drinking water. hanizah had her usual of coke/sprite. we had so much fun man. but one thing for sure.. i was more high on wednesday than i was on friday. :) headed home after tat.. though before i did.. some stuff happened.. but i dont think i want to mention any of it.

saturday and sunday was just mainly work as BA and nothing much.. so im not gonna say anything more.. that was my past week i guess.

Ah.. Thursday already?

How the week flies by so fast. its thursday already. nick would be coming back on sunday. i did something unbelievable yesterday. i made a flash movie for nick. even i dont believe it.

alot of things happened in this 3 days. other than me breaking up with jon and making it final. jon came over to my place to return my stuff on tuesday. he had called the night before telling me tat it was his off day on tuesday and tat he would come over to my place to pass me my stuff. so tuesday came and i stayed home the entire day waiting for him to come over. day passed and evening came, he didnt come over and neither did he call. so i called him, only to find out tat he is at lynette's house. i was fuming mad, if he had called to say tat he wouldnt be coming over or tat he would only be coming over in the evening, it would have been fine. but he didnt. i had to call him. and he said he might not be coming over after all. not even a call to inform me. how responsible of u, i told him. and i also said.. i guess nothing really changes when we're together and when we're not. so after much arguing.. i finally managed to get him to come over.

during the time i was waiting for him, i made arrangements with oliver, to hang out together. so when jon came over and we didnt say a word to one another. we left the house together, since i was leaving the house too. something significant happened when we left together. jon's bus stop was just downstairs and mine still some distance away. the significance lied in the part where i walked to my bus stop, away from his. away from him. i was walking away from him. and i didnt turn back.. just like how i left him and didnt turn back. it was tough, walking away from him and not looking back at him. i kept telling myself tat i have to be strong. i must not show tat im weak. cos once u do show ur weakness, people take advantage of it.

later i went on to meet oliver in town. had no idea we were gonna go clubbing. thought we'd just have dinner and some coffee. i was dressed in a v-neck top and jeans. nothing fancy. so anyways, went along.. together with his sister and his sister's friend teresa. i was feeling shitty all night, tried so hard to stay strong and not crumble. had like 3 heinekens tat night on an empty stomach n to be honest, i was tipsy. tats why i have a warning for all. be it ur a good drinker or not, always eat before u drink. drinking on an empty stomach would indefinitely send u high into the sky, if u know wat i mean. in my tipsy stupor, i called jon.. talked to him and broke down in the ladies. i wanted to go over to his place and talk things thru but he had friends coming over. i got mad, cos to me.. friends could have easily took over my absence for him. but here i am, feeling miserable abt it. after i hung up on him saying tat i hope tat he is happy cos i will never be, i msged him alot of stuff tat hurt him. alot of things which i didnt mean but i wanted to hurt him, to tell him tat im hurt. i msged stuff like, "u know, i will screw any guy just to hurt you, even if its going to hurt me more." and also said stuff during the phonecall like, "maybe u can also screw lynette since she's going to be there." tat night when i got home, i cried even more. i broke into heart-wrenching sobs, tears which shook my body as i cried. after tat, i couldnt sleep for awhile, but later fell asleep drenched in tears.

the next day, i remembered wat i said and called him to apologise. he said he understood and he didnt blame me. then in tat phonecall, he admitted tat he missed me and tat he wants me back. i couldnt give him an answer. i really didnt know. even as now, i dont know. i want to go back to him but i dont know if im strong enuff to go thru another break up like this. this wasnt a plaything or a game. it was real, it was final.