Depressed and despairing
oh god, i cant take it anymore. feel like im just gonna break down any moment. dont know why but i feel really depressed. maybe i feel that way after mom said that she cant give me allowance cos her financial burden is really heavy. i dont really blame her. dad isnt helping out in the family and mom is paying most of the stuff at home.

honestly, i can hardly find time these days to work after school. but i do have to work, if i dont work, i wont get allowance. no money means no food. and no money means i'll be dead very soon. maybe things dont seem that bad now but im really feeling the pressure. i want to do well in school, very much so. i want to be able to concentrate and focus all my time and effort into school rite now but i cant. i really NEED to work to get money to survive. where would my lecture notes come from if i dont have money. where would money for my video productions come from if i dont have money? talked to halim abt it and he's been really supportive and encouraging. asking me not to give up.

im crying at this very moment. im feeling a sense of loss. for the first time ever since i got back into school that im feeling this way. i dont know wat to do or wat i can do. feeling this way makes me wonder if it was really a good idea to come back to school to pursue my dreams. no one told me that dreams cost money. that it would be expensive. that if one didnt have money, dreams r nothing but dreams. if i didnt come back to school, i would be working full-time. yes the pay wouldnt be alot due to my qualifications but at least it would be something to get me by. now i find it very hard to get by.

i know i should stop thinking that way cos it is really negative and half the battle is lost if i dont even have the confidence. jon would be really upset if he found out that ive been like this. he'd want to help but he cant. he cant even help himself at this moment. i dont want him to know. it wouldnt make a difference anyways. have been hiding this growing problem from him..

been a long time since i've felt depressed. i hate being like this. i've always been strong, or maybe acted strong. steph isnt a strong girl as she appears. she's weak and she still needs help from others once in a while.

Urgh...
my heading very much explains how im feeling now i guess. ok i guess i failed terribly to upload spongebob's pic. oh yeah. too bad i guess. ppl who want to know wat spongebob is like, can either tune in to channel 32 on nickelodeon, on starhub cabletv. other than that, the other alternative is to go to http://www.nick.com/all_nick/tv_supersites/display_show.jhtml?show_id=spo

but i do have to warn u, once u start watching spongebob, u might just get addicted to it like i did. wah lao eh. just got informed today that i have like 4 projects man. fuck fuck fuck fuck. one fuck for each project. hmm good idea. lol.

oh yeah, jon's cousins, nieces and nephews came down from holland already. they arrived yesterday, still havent met them. kinda got this fear of meeting them or something. though i have already met his mom, dad, sis and brother-in-law, as well as ben, his cousin from australia. but this time around, im not so sure anymore. keep having the feeling that they would eat me up or something, or even something worse like disapproving me and jon being together. *gasp* i think im thinking too much. maybe i should stop being paranoid for awhile.

was supposed to go out for dinner at chomp chomp with jon and his relatives but it was getting really late and i have PE at 8am tmrw. so i said another time... jon wanted me to go, cos he said that his cousin Rita wants to meet me, his gf. then i was really surprised cos how did she know abt me? then jon said dunno. prolly his sister or his parents told her abt me. but the thing is.... she just got here yesterday! now i really have to meet her already. urgh. im freaking out again.

his relatives would be in singapore for a month or so. they're staying at his house, so i guess that means i wont be able to stay over at all till his relatives go back to holland. and as jon would say, "that would mean no sex for a month." and while he said that, he was showing his incredibly sad puppy eyes face. i smiled and said to him, one month ok wat. wont kill u wat. =P oh yeah. just discovered this new type of rubber to use when jon and i... u know u know.... *hint* we used to use 'fetherlite', but now changed to this new one called 'close fit'. its much tighter and gives more pleasure. =P~~~~ hehehe. ok, i think all these talk should stop cos now my blog is fed to a larger audience. an audience who r younger and not that mentally corrupted(sexually driven maniac. lol). sorry nooch, sorry winnie, sorry whoever reading this under 18 or havent done the birds and the bees. lalallalalala~~~~~~

ok, im tired already, im gonna stop here. heading to bed, and maybe, if im lucky, dream of jon. god, i miss him. very very much. maybe if im lucky, i might get to see him tmrw too. his on mc today and tmrw. he finally went to a dentist. hoorah! he's gonna have to extract his wisdom tooth and fill 6 of his teeth. shocking rite? 6 rotten teeth, u know why? cos he is a freaking coke addict thats why. so now children, this tells u the moral of the story. coke is bad for ur teeth, it eats away ur teeth and it would just rot away even before ur old. heh. so dont drink coke! =P

nites y'all. -outz-

Monday Blues
firstly i must say, the speech which i delivered on friday was not directed at vicky watsoever, pls do not misunderstand. im not that immature. hey nooch! =) yep, im saying hi to my classmate, gave him my bloggie addy. hope u have a nice time reading my pathetic lifestory. lol.

ok, i didnt go to school today, shhhhhhh.... no one knows ok? my mom would kill me if she finds out. anyways, yeah i didnt go to school. why? cos i overslept. i only came home at 3:53am. and only slept at 4:10am. had to wake up at 8:30am but i actually went back to sleep. bad me. bad bad me. missed 5 lectures in total man. gonna have to be extra hard working this week i guess. thursday i'd still have to go back to school to finish my filming assignment which is due on friday. cam and rob r going to be my extras. lol. and i missed going out with rob on sat cos i couldnt reach him.

oh yeah! i met spongebob squarepants in person! lol. jon came along too though he was like really tired. to think that he'd sacrifice sleeptime for spongebob. and he said to me, "u know ur the only woman in my life, but there's also one man in my life, and that is spongebob." i was like laughing my pants off when he said that man. anyways, just in case u dont know wat or who is spongebob. im gonna try to attempt to upload the pic of him.

Weekend!
ahhhhhh... friday already?! goodness, time really flies man. woke up in a really bad shape man. body aching, everywhere hurting and even a small movement would hurt terribly. wondering why? thast cos on wednesday morning, i woke up at 6:30am, got to school at 8am and had PE. did two hours of netball and boy was it tiring! i think it's cos i havent excercised in a damn long time and now that i am, my body and muscles cant take the strain. then after netball i had two hours of class till noon.. and school was done for me.

headed off to jon's, fella was still sleeping when i got there(but why am i and u who is reading this not surprised?). attempted to wake him up cos he said the day b4 that he wanted to wake up early to go for an interview. anyways, my attempt failed miserably so i gave up. dont wanna try so hard cos in the end when i fail, he'd get grumpy and upset when he finally wakes up, and i too would be upset.

heh. i also felt tired and went to bed, but i woke up two hours later and went down to hendrix with jon. (i hope i did mention that jon is working at hendrix for now... once he gets a better job, he'd leave) then after that went to wu bar to work. was darn tired by the time work ended. went back with jon after that and we spent 'time' together. =P

only woke up at 4:30pm. bad me. was supposed to meet casey rite? but i totally forgot all about it. horrible me la. nvm, have to make it up to him another time. im working today.. or tonight, wateva u call it. school's at 8am-11am, then from 4pm-6pm. i wonder wtf im gonna do with 5 hours in btwn. then after that i guess i have work in the evening.

btw, im trying to get another job. once i do, im outta wu bar, hate that place so much already. dammit, i have a speech tmrw and i havent prepared. thank god it is a non-assessed one. would prolly have to get it ready during my break or something. was wondering wat topic i should talk abt.. an activity which im currently doing now in my freetime, or an activity which i wanna do...

asked my friends abt it and they said i should talk abt sex. i was like ??!??!!?. no way am i going to talka bt sex in class as an activity i love to do now. i mean, it is the truth but wat would my classmates and lecturer think of me? too much explicit content for them man, considering that most of my classmates r like 16-17. have to censor la. cannot tell man. cant imagine their reactions or expressions... dont even wanna go there man.
i'd prolly talk abt clubbing since i know so much abt it.

k... i think i better go to bed already. have to be up by 6:30am. i'll catch up another time, im not sure when though. busy agenda this weekend. laterz

Week Two of School
School's been pretty good. in fact, i havent really been late for any of my classes, cept for speech comm, when i wasnt informed tat class was brought forward. the modules which im taking this semester are:

my core modules
- location video production
- graphic communication
- media in society
- speech communication

Interdisciplinary modules
- starting a business
- sports and wellness

know wat? i absolutely love my core modules. they r so interesting, hardly ever feel bored in class. but for lectures, u cant really blame me for being bored, i have two lectures in a row in the same lecture hall in the morning, then 2 hours of break, and another 3 hours of lecture in another lecture hall. and all lectures fall on the same day, monday. for sports and wellness, or should i say PE, i picked netball. i wanted tennis but all the places were taken. sad. at least i wasnt forced to take areobics or soccer or basketball. =)

in class everyone is beginning to seem nicer than my first impression of them. there's this girl called vicky, dont really like her, she is like damn "teh~" or another words, whiny, spoilt brat tantrum-like. in class im closer to sharina, hanizah and anita i guess. hanizah i hang around alot cos she seems like the only one i can really click and talk to. other than that, shaun, darryl, nooch, nurul, ai ling, liling and etc seem alrite. there's a st marg's junior in my class. she is two years my junior. ai ling to be precise.

there was no school on thursday, so on wed night i stayed over at jon's house. went home late that day, didnt get to sleep at all, even though i had school at 8am on friday. cos i was helping my eldest sis do some stuff for her students. didnt sleep and went straight to school for class till 11am. then i couldnt take it any longer. my next class was at 4pm, so i took a cab down to jon's place and slept till 3:30pm. at 3:45pm, hanizah called and asked me where i was. i told her i was on my way down to school cos i was gonna take a cab.. she informed me that class was put forward till 3:30pm. i was shocked and i rushed to reach school at 4:20pm. fuck i was late and i was marked absent. shit man. then after school i went down to hendrix cos work was at 8pm. went for dinner with jon, had mcdonalds. went to work and was dead zombie tired, bumped into second sis cos she was meeting her friends at eastside for some drinks. talked to her for abit before her friends came. found out that she likes jon. which is a really good thing. told her that jon would like to go clubbing with her someday...

then finished work at 3am. met jon back at hendrix, took our transport to pasir ris and took a cab down to the airport to send meiyen off at 7am. had breakfast at the airport and strolled around. after all of that, came back to jon's house and slept only at 10 plus till 5 plus.

second sister smsed me and told me tat she was clubbing at centro on saturday night and asked me if i'd wanna go and bring jon along. pretty happy abt it but jon couldnt make it cos he had to work, so replied her, thanked her and apologised. =) looking forward to clubbing with my sis and bf man. =P

i shall skip the rest cos it is nothing too interesting. oh yeah, i forgot to mention in my last blog that last monday was jon and i's 4th month of being together. hasnt been easy but we managed to get thru it.

we had a fight yesterday, sunday.. wasnt a good thing. first time we actually argued in public, hendrix actually. jon lied to me abt something. its quite a long story... *thinks whether i should tell it all here* i think i would but not now. its late and i have to get up at 8:30am. i'd better hit the sack now. nites! *hugs n kisses*

p/s: meeting casey on wednesday at his house for dinner, im cooking beef bolognaise fettucini for him. saturday im meeting robert leland(ex bf) for a few drinks or something. i didnt mention that he is back in singapore already for a holiday, was on the bus on friday and i saw him walking up towards tanglin mall. recognised him instantly cos of his height, glasses and headphones, plus his typical fast walking, armed with an umbrella(it was a rainy day), and he featured pretty long and unkempt hair, like he didnt cut it for a damn long time. =P

First day of school
hey hey! feeling a little bit chirpy though it was a pretty long day in school. school was not too bad. met up with winnie and jonathan(schoolmate) and kinda caught up with them. just dont really like the 3 hour in a row lectures in the same lecture hall, not only is it tiring but chances of falling asleep is kinda high too. guess wat? last night after i signed off and went to sleep on the sofa, i fell asleep and like around 3am, jon called me on my hp and i was awakened. after that i just couldnt sleep. so i packed my stuff and clothes that i was gonna wear for school in the morn and took a cab down to jon's place.
my mind kept telling me that i was crazy. it was like 4 plus in the morning and i was in a cab down to his house. he was so shocked and was kinda upset that i'd do such a thing, cos he thought i'd be home sleeping. anyways, went there and i still couldnt sleep, so we watched deuce bigalow male gigalo, the vcd. i watched it before already but it was still good. after that i headed to bed, but it was already 6 plus in the morning and i had to wake up at 7:30am.

so in the end i only had a few hours of sleep and i took a cab to school. actually, im feeling really exhausted now. would love to sleep now and wake up tmrw morning but i have to go down to orchard to change my shirt, change it to a smaller size. and i wanna go to hendrix and see jon for awhile..

have class at 8am in the morn tmrw.. i think i'd better go out now and get home asap.. laterz

The morning before school
*sigh* dont know wat to write about. currently feeling abit upset. tmrw is school. im not upset abt school, im upset abt being apart from jon.
im all excited about school and stuff but the thought abt being really busy and not being able to spend time with jon scares me. i dont want to lose him but my fear of losing him has undoubtly become my insecurity.

quite abit of stuff has been happening in this one week that i wasnt home. alex shaw, a british friend is back in singapore for a holiday, didnt know that till i bumped into him like two days ago in mohamed sultan while working. probably gonna meet up with him and the other girls and have another session of mahjong. lol. he always wins despite mahjong being an asian game.

had a movie and dinner thingy on saturday with meiyen and sharon only, supposedly. it was a sorta like farewell thingy for meiyen cos she's leaving for perth australia to further her studies for like 3-4 years. but was rudely shocked to find out the outing or gathering was not only me, meiyen and sharon. some other secondary schoolmates were asked to come along too. watched charlie's angels full throttle and i must admit, it was good, but not as good as i thought it'd be. had a kinda shallow plot and it emphazised too much on sex appeal than anything else. it made it seem like the movie was all abt being good looking and oozing sex appeal. not that the sex appeal was bad, but it was raunchy. oh yeah! =P
after the movie was dinner at NOOCH the noodle bar. freaking expensive place to eat stuff that should cost like so much lesser elsewhere. had this tsuyiki udon or something. not too bad but expensive and the service sucked. waitresses were like so stuck up and reluctant to serve customers. took some pics with the girls and blah.. im gonna miss meiyen. she's been a good friend and i miss the days we all had in secondary school.

after the whole thing, went to do a little bit of shopping with sharon, i bought three shirts, it cost me like slightly more than 50 bucks for all of them. they were loud shirts that said stuff like "got milk?", "ways to impress a girl" and "devil women". thought i'd get them for school. hehe.

after that i went home and changed and stuff. headed down to hendrix to look for my darling sweetheart jon.. then we both headed home.

oh yeah, had a bad day at work on friday. was highly irritated by this fucking bhai guy. he was with his gf and his other guy and he is and his gf were busy sucking face on the couch like nobody's business. well i couldnt be bothered to serve him so i went to do my own stuff. who knows he came up to me and ask me if there were any discounts on tequila shots and i told him no. he kept telling me tat he was a drinker and tat he drank everyday since 1994 and tat money isnt a problem. worst part was that he kept bargaining on the price of the shots. then i told him, since ur a drinker and u wanna get high, why dont u get a shot of barcardi 151(this really potent rum with 75% alcohol in it)? then he turned and asked me, wat's a barcardi 151? i was like "?!" u call urself a drinker?! u dont even know wat's a barcardi 151! sheesh. but the ultimum came when he bargained the price of the 151 and asked if he could buy half a shot of it. NO club or alcohol selling place sells half a shot of alcohol. not even zouk or centro. he got me so fed up that i shouted and said "then dont drink!" then he walked off. afterwards he tapped on my shoulder and told me that he ordered a shot of barcardi 151 and he ordered me to serve him. then, i was already so incredibly pissed off that i wanted to take my pen and stab him a million times till he dies a slow and painful death. so i went to tell lyn(colleague of mine) that i would serve him. also told her that i was flame the drink and burn a fucking hole in his throat. she was so worried.. but im not that dumb to get myself into trouble, so i asked him, do u want to burn it? it'd taste better. hahahahah.. he actually bought it and i flamed the drink. in the end, i saw his face contort in pain and looked as though as he was going to throw up, i knew i had acquired a small personal victory. lol. did i mention that he shared the shot with his friend and so each of them just took half a shot instead of one.

fuck la. just realised its really late and i have to be in school by 9:30am... better head to bed man. i'll continue my story in the afternoon or something after i get back from school.

i miss jon. for the millionth time, yes i miss him, pretty badly. *sigh* good nite.