hey hey hey. im back. yes i know its been a few days. wat to do? i was over at jon's place for the past three days. heh.

alot of things happened these past few days... to be continued.. need to head to work already.. im late already.

havent been posting in a while already. maybe cos there isnt really much to write about. but i do realise and notice that, ever since i got attached to jonathan, i've been moodier than before. im more stressed out than before. maybe cos i used to be alone, i didnt have to consider too much about other ppl's feelings other than mine. but now that im with jon, i have to think about him, wat he thinks and feels... and wat he says or does affects me. so maybe thats why i havent been posting.. consistent depression. stress. same thing everyday anyday.

oh yeah, cos of jon, i rejected vivek. it wasnt very nice though it was over the sms. i felt so bad about it. it simply killed me inside. i dont like hurting people. that day itself, i felt so fucked up. didnt smile or talk much watsoever. jon noticed that something was wrong and asked me about it. i just kept quiet and smiled, a weak and faint smile.

things havent been smooth with jon, i feel so distant. sometimes he is warm, sweet and close but on other times, he'd be alone, cold and distant. i keep wondering, is it something i did or said? maybe cos ive been seeing too often.. maybe..

was high again last night.. azmi.. made me drink so much. but yes i guess i did have a choice whether or not i wanted to drink. i was kinda upset last night cos of jon.. gawd! i need to take things slow man. not only is it bad for me, its unhealthy for my relationship with jon.

i was at the chalet with jon last weekend, we had fun. the first night i got damn wasted. heh. but the whole idea was that i spent time with jon. which was very nice. though i was bitten by mosquitoes( i had 15 bites!) and till now, im still itching from it.

ok i think i better go and get ready to go to work. if not i'd be damn late. i'll try to post more.. gonna add like two more poems to writingsonthewall. look out for it.

was quite pissed off yesterday. called jon twice and he didnt pick up the phone, smsed him he also didnt reply. =\ but i got to see him after work so its alrite. i was beginning to lose faith but after seeing him and spending time with him, my faith returned and deepened.

we went to newton after work with vanessa, sharifa, ryda and some folks. newton was closing.. didnt get to eat much food but its ok. went home and smsed jon, he asked me why i cared for him so much. i told him i just do, i dont know why. it just comes naturally to me i guess. im beginning to fall for him i think. yes love. love. and i pray i wont get hurt. cos sagis arethe kind where they dont really show that they care.. or should i say, they dont care much. and im a person who needs to be shown and showered with alot of love. *sigh*
i need lovvvvvvveeeeeee....

anyways, last night's work was not too bad. i had fun, was a bit high from the alcohol.. saw some beautiful people like christian. and some folks said i looked good and cute in my osh kosh b'gosh overalls and my white sportsbra, plaits and glasses. heh. =P

okay, im gonna go bathe now. meeting jon later i hope.

damn.. havent posted in two days.. and why? all cos of my irritating brother who has no respect for me watsoever.. he hid the keyboard and thus i couldnt go online and stuff. as for the cdrs.. wat's more infuriating is that not only did he not return me a new cdr. he had the cheek to say that he didnt care and him being the naive one to believe that the cdr aint mine and offered 60cents for the cdr. wat a bastard. sometimes, i really feel like killing him.

the day before yesterday.. went for supper with sonia, vanessa and jonathan at river valley. we had so much fun.. vanessa was hilarious! we were sitting beside this dental clinic.. called gentle dental clinic and vanessa changed it and called it GENITAL dental clinic.. so funny!! lol. then took the cab home with jonathan and he went home too lah.

yesterday wat happened ah? *thinks* it was thursday.. ladies night.. hmmm... oh yeah, fiza almost got into a physical fight with a female customer.. who was drunk.. then after work i went to stay over at jonathan's place, to give him a back rub(he was working at chinablack the day before and he rolled down the stairs when a drunk customer pulled him along), then we kinda got kinky and made out with one another, but other than that, nothing lah.. no sex watsover. hehe. he's got a birthmark on his dick. heehee. and he is sensitive on the back, chest and torso area. hehehe. and of course, he found out my sensitive areas too. =P

did i mention tat im no longer single? i guess it's easy to guess who im with. yes it is jonathan. i havent told vivek yet though. i dont know how to put it to him. but i guess i'd stop making out and being close to him. and also cut down on the phone calls and stuff. just have him as a friend. *shrugs*

im a lil pissed off with my brudder. he took one of the empty CDs and burnt his songs. fuck. that asshole. it is meant for ryda and vanessa.. the CDs dont belong to me. bloody hell. he better go buy a new one and replace it tmrw or im gonna fuck him up.

home now. read casey's and aresha's blog.. seems that wat's going on in aresha's life is affecting casey too.. alot of my friends are not having a really nice time now.. *sigh*

as for me.. im finally home. got home at around nine.. woke up at 3 plus this afternoon..
last night after hendrix.. jonathan came to get me, he gave me a nice hug and we took a walk down to peninsula.. he withdrew money and then we sat at the bustop for awhile.. he told me about the stuff we had to do earlier and the shit that just blew up in his face.. and also, he actually made up his mind to join ThaWu but then cos of the shit, he has to stay. at least till things are better.. =\ after we talked for awhile.. he asked me where i wanted to go.. it was already 3 plus in the morning... i really had no idea where i wanted to go.. so i said i dont know.. in the end, he gave me two choices.. i dont know or his house..
guess where i ended up, heh.. of course his house. he has a messy room.. pretty typical of a male. then i took a shower at his place and changed into some of his clothes. slept all way till 3 plus in the afternoon. lol.. surprisingly, nothing happened. we just occasionally held and cuddled in bed. he was only wearing a pair of shorts and nothing else. did i mention in my last blog that he has a pretty nice body? hehe.
it was nice being around him.. i like being around him. i think i like him too.
aresha's birthday is coming.. hehe.. have already thought about wat to buy for her. its going to be a surprise.. im sure she'd like them. =)
came home and called vivek.. he was with ryan. he went to pass ryan the gig photos. then when he got home.. he called me. i told him about jonathan and talked to him about us. he seems ok with it. anyways, he is coming over to my place tmrw.

am at hendrix bar now.. chilling out with victor in his little office. fuck its freezing cold. oh yeah, i havent slept since 5:30am this morning when i came home after work. finally went to ngee ann poly to sumit that application form for mass comm.. went with jonathan, he bumped into some old friends and ppl he knew cos of his ex gf. his ex gf is from mass comm too.. heard that they broke up cos she called his mom a bitch. doesnt that bitch now wat is basic respect for elders? tskk.
then after ngee ann poly, we went to world trade centre by bus, was trying to look for a UOB ATM but jonathan was damn suay today i guess.. everywhere we went we couldnt find one. then wat's worse, is that he dropped his coins on the bus when we got up. damn paiseh. (another thing was that in the morning, he was supposed to be at my house at 9am, but then his sister was very ill and he rushed her to the hospital.. then he only reached my place at like 11 plus.) in the end.. went all the way to tanjong pagar to find the machine.. got his cash and stuff.. then took a cab to sentosa.. by then it was already like 3 plus.. more than half the day's sun gone. hehehe
cos the point of me going there is to tan u see... but later when we got there.. he got his beer and soon he was happy again =) gave him a backrub and i think that made him happy too. had a pretty nice time there.. though i was like half dead and damn tired.. was mobbed by mosquitoes. urgh. hate em. jonathan was sucha sweetheart all day.. im beginning to like him more.. but i think it is impossible btwn us. *shrugs*
okok.. now i need to wait for him to come back from Eastside and get me at where i am now.. he said he should be here at abt 3:15am.. another 1 and half hours plus more. damn boooooorrrreeeddd... ok i think im gonna stop here for now.. cant think of anything else to write.. tmrw im off again.. im wondering wat i can do besides catching up on my rest and sleep... * thinks*

oopsie, was supposed to post after i came home yesterday but then somehow i didnt. anyways, it's like 12 noon already and i havent slept since i came home from work and supper with jonathan, vanessa, ryda, sonia, sara, wan, stanley and blah~ we all went to river valley to have prata. damn good prata i'd say..
oh yeah.. things are more complicated now.. jonathan told me that he likes me alot. *sigh* like how i'd react to everyone regarding this issue, HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW?!!! damn. ryda said that i shouldnt put too much thought into it. but i cant help it lah.
heh. another thing. finally.. vivek has come out of his shell.. we actually held hands once in a while and we kinda like kissed and made out. =)
i dont know lahhhhhh.. im getting more and more confused. i dont know who i want. urghhhhh...
oh well.. anyways.. went for the impiety gig and it was pretty good. lots of ppl went.. saw selina there. saw another jonathan, harpreet, rachel and jeevz there.
i think i should get going now.. need to go back to school to sumit the application form.. then head to sentosa with jonathan. did i forget to mention that he is with me now? =P
sis got a new pup again. it is a pug.. the MIB frank u know... heh. damn cute. ok im outz!

oh damn, i didn't get to meet vivek and ryan afterall. by the time i got ready, it was just nice for me to go to work. fuck. i need to do something about my time management. stupid me.

okok.. i really gotta go to sleep now. it's going to be nine in the morning. have to get up a few hours later to go for the gig. i'll come back and post more.. laterz