Beautiful Morning

GOOD MORNING! rise and shine and im awake at this hour. why? cos i just came home actually. went to send my mom and my eldest sis off at the airport. their flight in in another 25 min or so.. where to? japan! they r going to be away for 10 days and would only be back on the 10th of May. its my mom's first trip that far away, eldest sis paid for her air ticket, accommodation would be taken care of as they would be staying at a relative's place. and spending money.. my uncle gave my mom 700 sgd worth of japanese yen to spend. how cool? awesome.

in this 10 days, im responsible for my brother's well being. im practically playing mother to him. i have to wash his uniform and iron them, making sure that he doesnt run out of uniform. then im also doing most of the cooking. mom bought alot of stuff and kept it in the fridge. so that i can cook up something for the rest of us at home...

anyways. wondering abt my current marital status or my relationship status? im not too sure abt it actually. dont know if it is ok, good, bad, maybe? or more of i dont know. im just chilling. didnt call him at all yesterday cos i was angry at him. long story. but those who have been in touch with me would know why i was pissed off.

this friday is my celebration/partimania! lol. im definitely going clubbing. must go clubbing. havent clubbed in ages and i really have to. halim is coming.. so is winnie, oliver, cam, hanizah.. hopefully the other unconfirmed friends like varian, casey, kevin, daniel, vick, amelia, chitra, utt and etc would call me and confirm with me real soon. cant wait. im planning to go chinablack. havent been there since last dec. thought it'd be a nice big and spacious place for me and my friends to partay.

talking abt chinablack, it is the reason why i was angry at him. anyways, let's first talk abt my birthday.. abt how it went. but before that, i would like to thank all my friends for wishing me and being there for me all this while.. i miss all of u loads and i cant wait to catch up with each and everyone of u again. my birthday was spent mostly at home. didnt go out till in the evening. jon spent my birthday with me. we met in orchard and caught a movie. caught 50 first dates. starring drew barrymore and adam sandler. real hilarious movie. totally love rob schneider in that movie man. its a highly recommended movie by me!!

we went for dinner as well.. well.. he ate.. not me. cos i was full, i had vercimilli(im not sure of the spelling) and egg. mom cooked it for me for my birthday. went to far east to buy earrings. he bought a pair, asked me to choose it, for both our piercing at the cartiledge. one for him and one for me. then after the movie.. we just walked around and to the train station at dhoby ghaut and i stayed over at his place. as for wat happened at his place. i think many of u would be able to guess. lol. but i had a great time! =) i guess him spending my birthday with me was my present as he didnt spend it with me last year...

okok.. im really tired. finally done with i-search paper and stuff. need to study for marketing when i wake up later. so i really have to catch my sleep. didnt sleep the night before... i'll talk abt why i was angry at jon another time alright? sorry abt it. too darn tired..

unofficially single

it isnt official till he says it. but it seems tat all he is doing to me now are tell-tale signs that he is leaving me. as much as i want to stay in this relationship with him.. it seems futile. cos he no longer sees an 'us', he sees no point. his exact words..

ive been crying alot lately. so much that ive lost count of the number of times ive cried myself to sleep at night. no one would be able to understand how i feel now.. maybe only hanizah as she is having similar problems with men.
come to think abt it. its been awhile since i last smiled from my heart and was happy.

right now, he wants to be apart from me. he doesnt want any form of communication btwn us for two weeks. he said that after two weeks, he'd tell me his decision. im at his disposal now i guess. i feel so broken, beaten up and all my defences broken down into nothing. i cant protect myself and neither can i defend any oncoming attacks.

feel so vulnerable and helpless. as though ive lost a part of my body. i feel paralysed. been thinking so much abt so many things that i dont know wat im thinking abt anymore. there r so many things on my mind. alot of it being jon.

its amazing how men can just decide to turn their backs on the woman they claim to love in a snap of a finger. i blame myself alot. n i told him how i would blame myself for the rest of my life. he makes it seem that its been my fault all the while. that i have been the one pushing him to this decision.

so much so that im beginning to think that maybe it could be true. its such a love hate relationship i guess. i love him so much. too much. i love him even more than i love myself. i know tats really foolish but i cant help myself. for he is the one i would only love this much ever. at the same time, i hate him so much. hate him for doing this to me. he's so cruel and heartless. yes life would go on. but it just wouldnt be the same anymore. many would tell me that i deserve better and someone better would come along. but i seriously doubt it. as im tired. im tired of giving so much and not getting any back. im tired of being stupid and soft hearted. tired of loving someone.

maybe i should be happy. afterall i did get a good review for my not even half completed i-search paper. school is good so far. today being the last day of school and all. but i cant help myself and think abt me and him. its so fucked up. i feel fucked up. never felt this way ever.

if only he knew how much he means to me. if only he knew how much i want to be with him. if only he knew that im dying on the inside without him. if only...

suddenly, i just wanna cry, open the flood gates and just cry my heart out. ive been feeling choked with emotions. and i really hope and want to cry to make myself feel better.

i miss him. terribly. awfully. i need him. but if only he knew..

beyond words

wat im feeling now is beyond words. dont know if it is anger, despair, sadness or helplessness. im angry at my own stupidity and at jon. despairing cos i think ive almost come to my wit's end. sadness cos im hurt and disappointed. helplessness cos i cant stop myself from feeling this way.

a friend just msged me on msn and asked me why im not at my bf's place. r u wondering too? "well.. thats cos he's out", i answered my friend. "why are u not joining him?", my friend asked again. i told my friend that i didnt know. but the truth is that i do know. just simply cos im not with him now, not that i dont want to be with him now. but cos he is out with his friends/colleagues and cos he would never ask, cos he doesnt believe in mixing gf and friends. why? well.. thats jonathan for u. he says his friends wouldnt care if i was there at all. and "besides... its all guys", jon would say.

honestly, the number of his friends which i have met, and known briefly, do not exceed the number of fingers i have in one hand. yes. it is that pathetic. its not that i dont want to know or meet his friends, but im not allowed to. ridiculous? yes i think so too. but thats jon for u. having chosen to be with him, this is wat i have to go through. ive resigned to my choice and only grumbled, maybe slightly more than once in a while. afterall.. there r quite a number of issues tat could be linked to this. for instance, since i dont know his friends... how am i to trust them? or trust him with them? since i dont know his friends, how am i to know if they are truly just all guys or just 'friends' and not more than friends... like girls whom he claims to be his old friends. it all boils down to trust i guess. but based on wat am i supposed to place that trust upon when he does not have the courtesy to call and inform me of his whereabouts, so that i wouldnt get worried. wondering why i would get worried? for he is afterall 24 this year and capable of taking care of himself.

the answer is simple. cos his words r almost worth close to the indonesian currency. cheap. it may seem mean of me to say that, but it is the truth. he says he would come home SOON. i asked him wat is his definition of soon? is it within an hour or wat? cos my definition of soon is within the hour. he says 1.5 hours. ok, fine by me. but guess wat time he arrives home? 1.5 x 2 = 3hrs. amazed? well, im not. cos im the one at his place, waiting up for him. amazed is not the word i'd use. angry? maybe. pissed. maybe. annoyed. maybe. in fact, all the above. that is not all. if only he is truly 24 and is totally capable of taking care of himself. if tat was truly the case, why would i find him sleeping at the lift lobby drunk? i wish someone in the world could tell me how i am to react to things like these and so much more. when i saw him lying at the lift lobby, i broke down and cried. for i had been so worried sick abt him. that i had initially been back home at 12midnight, last talked to him at 11pm and couldnt reached him since. kept calling him and his phone was off, all the way till 3am. neither did he call. i was so worried that i couldnt sleep. i tried to, but i ended waking up half an hour later wide awake and worried. to think that i was so worried that i took my last 10 dollars, took a cab and rushed to his place. i arrived at his place at 3:30am.. waited and waited but to no avail. so i thought to myself.. why not i go down and wait for him there. i grabbed the keys and left the house.. only to find him lying at the lift lobby drunk.

who really understands how i actually felt then? who truly understands wat ive been going through? who understands my pain and hurt? no one does but me. yes everyone tells me and asks me too. why dont u leave him? the answer is simple. i see so much more in him... so much potential to become someone of great calibre. be it professionally or when it comes to having a gf. i know he'd change and grow up. but for now, this is wat im stuck with. the unknown lies in the fact that i know he'd change, but maybe not with me? maybe not now? not in the next 5 years? the question lies in when and whether i'd still be there for him.

it must be obvious that i just had a row with him again. the whole reason being that during his off day, he says he is tired and tat he wants to stay home and watch tv, and is broke. but the drivel lies in the fact that on a workday, he says he is tired and that he is broke.. yet he can still go out and have drinks with his colleagues. like right now. get why im pissed off? no? well, im pissed not entirely cos he is drinking with his colleagues. but mainly cos he says he is tired, is broke, has work the next day and he still goes out drinking. not only that, if u can really see like i do, u'd se ethat he has time for other stuff but never for me.

i asked him earlier,"do u think u have been a good bf to me?" he replies and says,"yes i know i havent been a good bf." "then why the hell arent you even trying?", i said. if u obviously know, why arent u even doing anything abt it? -sigh- i seriously dont know wat else i can say. other than im tired of trying all the time. i feel like a car running out of petrol...

hehehe. forgot to mention that im crashing my former classmates from IT's graduation prom at ritz carlton. it'd be on 13th may.. i'd most probably be going clubbing after that.

and also.. this coming 30th.. i MUST GO CLUBBING!! dying already. been cooped up for too long. probably going to new asia bar. heheh. celebrate my release from the fucking asylum.. and also a belated birthday thingy for me.. and winnie too. hehehe. winnie... if we are lucky enuff rite? we got chauffeur leh. my friend oliver might be driving his dad's lexus!!!

if he is nice enuff on the 13th.. he would even drive me to the ritz carlton!! and maybe go clubbing together on the 13th too! hehehe..

went to the esplanade on thursday night for my job briefing as a part-time usher. training begins in may and ends in june. which only means that i start work only in july, and would only get paid at the end of july. pay that is good, work hours that only begin at 6pm. wat more can i ask for? =) and after my briefing and registration for my traning, i met up with axxx and jon. since jon is working at the esplanade too and axxx was looking for company and works at shenton way. so she came to meet me at the esplanade. was nice meeting an old friend.

anyways, i didnt mention that jon and i are like going thru this 'no-fights, no-arguments, no talk abt relationship' week. it started on wed and ends next monday or whenever his off day is. then on his off day we would go seek a mediator to solve our issues. cos we just cant have the two of us sit down and settle them, we'd just end up fighting. even worse than wat we began with. then after the mediation, it is either we stay together or we go separate ways. but we dont know the outcome now, only after the mediation. the mediation would be done by venessa, his distant cousin and my good friend. venessa is impartial and she knows everything that is going on btwn us. best thing abt getting her to mediate is that she really doesnt take sides.

but tat is not all. we already broke the 'no-fights, no-arguments, no talk abt relationship' thingy. we just argued last nite. i was pissed off cos he told me that on his off day, he might only be able to meet me in the evening. cos he has to attend the foodasia fest thingy. im fine with him going for the foodasia thingy, but i can almost be sure that he wouldnt be meeting me in the evening. dont ask me why. he is just like that. so how r we going to have that mediation thingy? i know that he would end up telling me that he's going to meet his friends after the foodasia thingy, or that he would be hanging out with his colleagues after that. or even better, he'd tell me that it is his off day and he can do anything with it. and that he is tired and he would go home and sleep.

how can i not be pissed off? his words r like super unreliable. day one say this, day two say another.

Dreams

Just woke up not too long ago. had a few wonderful dreams. jon was not in any of them. i dont know wat does that mean but it could be cos i had an argument with him before i slept. but the dreams.. it was rare and i really didnt feel like waking up.

i dont know if i should tell it to all and put it here.. for im afraid that the person i dreamt abt might find out and may get uncomfortable with it.

The dreams were abt love and friendships. the second dream i had had my friends in it. funny abt the second dream was that it was a dream abt old friends, not new. they were friends from secondary school. i dont know wat it means. it seemed like it was a secondary school friends' chalet gathering. where everyone has achieved something in life or something like that, and we meet up after many many years and i had a car, i drove and so did my friends. the weird thing abt it is that i never wanted to be in touch with alot of them. but in that dream, i actually enjoyed myself with them. to be honest, i just knew that they were friends, i couldnt really see their faces clearly.

the other dream abt friends was actually abt my present state relationship with my classmates from the OTHER cohort. it wasnt a pleasant one. in the dream, we were fighting. well, everyone was fighting against me. similar to wat it is at the moment with them. but i do tell myself, it is the last project now, just get it over and done with. and i'd be done with them.

when it comes to the dreams abt love. it was love that was unconditional, selfless and giving. the guy i loved so much in the dream, had been involved with this other girl previously and some misunderstandings happened and he just moved on... i was together with him and he gave me his all in the relationship. everything was alright till the girl came along, he didnt really care in the beginning but when the girl said something like, "we missed out on something beautiful as obstacles came our way and clouded our senses... misunderstandings happened as our feelings took on a beating.. i want to try again, and i know u want to as well.. " after she said that to him, he began to ponder and became confused, his feelings a mess.
i saw that and i felt sad. sad not because i was afraid to lose him but sad because he was sad too. i wanted him to be happy. so i told him, "go to her. see wat else she has to say. if u wish to pursue that beauty btwn the both of u, i will respect ur decision. if we're meant to be, we would be together. if not, ur place is not with me but with her. i love you and i want u to be happy." he loved me, but he also wanted find out the unknown. he couldnt fight the immense certainty that has been growing in him. so he expressed his feelings for me, thanked me for being understanding and went off to seek the truth.

in reality, i dont think i would be able to be that selfless or giving that i would give someone i loved so much to someone else. but also in reality, i wouldnt want to be with someone if he didnt feel the same way anymore. in the dream, he was perfect. he was gorgeous, charming and awfully oozing with appeal. in reality, so is he. in the dream, we shared kisses. they seemed so real. it was soft, sweet and so much more. in reality, im not with him, i prolly never will. i'll always be the wonderful listener, the one always there for him. there'll always be a part of me who will love him secretly, but never more than how much i love jon.

funny how after those kisses in the dream, i thought about jon. i remembered the kissed we shared. and how it was so different as jon's lips were fuller and so kissable. i never wanted to stop kissing jon. it is like an addiction.

am i cheating on jon in my dreams? in my dreams i wasnt with him. but is this infidelity?

URGH

SO IRRITATED! been trying to change the font color of my BlogPost Heading but nothing i do seems to be able to change it. so im giving up for now.

anyways, back to my post. yes i know i havent been posting in more than half a year. everyone's been asking me why i havent been posting. well not everyone, just winnie. hee. =P one of the reasons is that i honestly couldnt be bothered with it anymore. lol. another is that ive been pretty occupied with schoolwork and all.

just a quick update. its coming to the end of my second semester in year one and it's been a really hectic semester. lots of things happening all the time. so many things to do all the time and so little time. loads of my old friends from my former course are all graduating this semester. kinda envious of them. but at the same time, i was reminded by an old friend that... at least im doing something i like. thats true in a way but then again... -sigh- i dont know. im freaked abt the next semester. im not really looking forward to it. been told that it is going to be alot worse than year 1. and to be honest, year 1 is quite bad already. loadsa projects, consecutive deadlines, projects crammed one after the other. its pretty suffocating actually. but the good thing is that ive been working pretty hard too. i can almost say that an A is guaranteed for one of my modules. =D

and to those who are thinking of asking me... abt my lovelife.. hurhurhur. yeah im still with jonathan. its almost been 14months since we first began. but all this while i havent been posting.. well.. its been a rollercoaster ride. we fight alot more now. i know its bad. he said i changed, but i havent. the only aspect that ive changed is my attitude towards school and my work. im now more motivated to do stuff and ive been putting in effort. but if it comes to my feelings towards him, it has never changed. it has only grown stronger. i still love him as much as i did 14 months ago.

-sigh- it really hasnt been a smooth ride. been having so much problems. though lots of things changed. like his career... he is now working at al dente at the esplanade. he's been working there for about 3 months, as a cook. but it looks like he is getting a promotion real soon. he's gonna get promoted to sous chef and transferred to a new branch near his present workplace. that would mean a pay increase. im happy for him but somehow, i sense that the redlight is blinking in our relationship. i love him alot but it really seems impossible to be with him. i'll go into detail abt wat's been going on soon in later posts.

but in the meantime, i really need to go to bed. im dead sleepy. can barely keep my eyes open. goodnight y'all, and welcome back to my world! =)

Hey all! I know it's been a really long while since i last posted. Really sorry. well, decided to give the site a new look. gonna try to do more... in the mean time. i'll try to post wat's been going on all this while yeah? :)