beyond words

wat im feeling now is beyond words. dont know if it is anger, despair, sadness or helplessness. im angry at my own stupidity and at jon. despairing cos i think ive almost come to my wit's end. sadness cos im hurt and disappointed. helplessness cos i cant stop myself from feeling this way.

a friend just msged me on msn and asked me why im not at my bf's place. r u wondering too? "well.. thats cos he's out", i answered my friend. "why are u not joining him?", my friend asked again. i told my friend that i didnt know. but the truth is that i do know. just simply cos im not with him now, not that i dont want to be with him now. but cos he is out with his friends/colleagues and cos he would never ask, cos he doesnt believe in mixing gf and friends. why? well.. thats jonathan for u. he says his friends wouldnt care if i was there at all. and "besides... its all guys", jon would say.

honestly, the number of his friends which i have met, and known briefly, do not exceed the number of fingers i have in one hand. yes. it is that pathetic. its not that i dont want to know or meet his friends, but im not allowed to. ridiculous? yes i think so too. but thats jon for u. having chosen to be with him, this is wat i have to go through. ive resigned to my choice and only grumbled, maybe slightly more than once in a while. afterall.. there r quite a number of issues tat could be linked to this. for instance, since i dont know his friends... how am i to trust them? or trust him with them? since i dont know his friends, how am i to know if they are truly just all guys or just 'friends' and not more than friends... like girls whom he claims to be his old friends. it all boils down to trust i guess. but based on wat am i supposed to place that trust upon when he does not have the courtesy to call and inform me of his whereabouts, so that i wouldnt get worried. wondering why i would get worried? for he is afterall 24 this year and capable of taking care of himself.

the answer is simple. cos his words r almost worth close to the indonesian currency. cheap. it may seem mean of me to say that, but it is the truth. he says he would come home SOON. i asked him wat is his definition of soon? is it within an hour or wat? cos my definition of soon is within the hour. he says 1.5 hours. ok, fine by me. but guess wat time he arrives home? 1.5 x 2 = 3hrs. amazed? well, im not. cos im the one at his place, waiting up for him. amazed is not the word i'd use. angry? maybe. pissed. maybe. annoyed. maybe. in fact, all the above. that is not all. if only he is truly 24 and is totally capable of taking care of himself. if tat was truly the case, why would i find him sleeping at the lift lobby drunk? i wish someone in the world could tell me how i am to react to things like these and so much more. when i saw him lying at the lift lobby, i broke down and cried. for i had been so worried sick abt him. that i had initially been back home at 12midnight, last talked to him at 11pm and couldnt reached him since. kept calling him and his phone was off, all the way till 3am. neither did he call. i was so worried that i couldnt sleep. i tried to, but i ended waking up half an hour later wide awake and worried. to think that i was so worried that i took my last 10 dollars, took a cab and rushed to his place. i arrived at his place at 3:30am.. waited and waited but to no avail. so i thought to myself.. why not i go down and wait for him there. i grabbed the keys and left the house.. only to find him lying at the lift lobby drunk.

who really understands how i actually felt then? who truly understands wat ive been going through? who understands my pain and hurt? no one does but me. yes everyone tells me and asks me too. why dont u leave him? the answer is simple. i see so much more in him... so much potential to become someone of great calibre. be it professionally or when it comes to having a gf. i know he'd change and grow up. but for now, this is wat im stuck with. the unknown lies in the fact that i know he'd change, but maybe not with me? maybe not now? not in the next 5 years? the question lies in when and whether i'd still be there for him.

it must be obvious that i just had a row with him again. the whole reason being that during his off day, he says he is tired and tat he wants to stay home and watch tv, and is broke. but the drivel lies in the fact that on a workday, he says he is tired and that he is broke.. yet he can still go out and have drinks with his colleagues. like right now. get why im pissed off? no? well, im pissed not entirely cos he is drinking with his colleagues. but mainly cos he says he is tired, is broke, has work the next day and he still goes out drinking. not only that, if u can really see like i do, u'd se ethat he has time for other stuff but never for me.

i asked him earlier,"do u think u have been a good bf to me?" he replies and says,"yes i know i havent been a good bf." "then why the hell arent you even trying?", i said. if u obviously know, why arent u even doing anything abt it? -sigh- i seriously dont know wat else i can say. other than im tired of trying all the time. i feel like a car running out of petrol...