unofficially single

it isnt official till he says it. but it seems tat all he is doing to me now are tell-tale signs that he is leaving me. as much as i want to stay in this relationship with him.. it seems futile. cos he no longer sees an 'us', he sees no point. his exact words..

ive been crying alot lately. so much that ive lost count of the number of times ive cried myself to sleep at night. no one would be able to understand how i feel now.. maybe only hanizah as she is having similar problems with men.
come to think abt it. its been awhile since i last smiled from my heart and was happy.

right now, he wants to be apart from me. he doesnt want any form of communication btwn us for two weeks. he said that after two weeks, he'd tell me his decision. im at his disposal now i guess. i feel so broken, beaten up and all my defences broken down into nothing. i cant protect myself and neither can i defend any oncoming attacks.

feel so vulnerable and helpless. as though ive lost a part of my body. i feel paralysed. been thinking so much abt so many things that i dont know wat im thinking abt anymore. there r so many things on my mind. alot of it being jon.

its amazing how men can just decide to turn their backs on the woman they claim to love in a snap of a finger. i blame myself alot. n i told him how i would blame myself for the rest of my life. he makes it seem that its been my fault all the while. that i have been the one pushing him to this decision.

so much so that im beginning to think that maybe it could be true. its such a love hate relationship i guess. i love him so much. too much. i love him even more than i love myself. i know tats really foolish but i cant help myself. for he is the one i would only love this much ever. at the same time, i hate him so much. hate him for doing this to me. he's so cruel and heartless. yes life would go on. but it just wouldnt be the same anymore. many would tell me that i deserve better and someone better would come along. but i seriously doubt it. as im tired. im tired of giving so much and not getting any back. im tired of being stupid and soft hearted. tired of loving someone.

maybe i should be happy. afterall i did get a good review for my not even half completed i-search paper. school is good so far. today being the last day of school and all. but i cant help myself and think abt me and him. its so fucked up. i feel fucked up. never felt this way ever.

if only he knew how much he means to me. if only he knew how much i want to be with him. if only he knew that im dying on the inside without him. if only...

suddenly, i just wanna cry, open the flood gates and just cry my heart out. ive been feeling choked with emotions. and i really hope and want to cry to make myself feel better.

i miss him. terribly. awfully. i need him. but if only he knew..