Depressed and despairing
oh god, i cant take it anymore. feel like im just gonna break down any moment. dont know why but i feel really depressed. maybe i feel that way after mom said that she cant give me allowance cos her financial burden is really heavy. i dont really blame her. dad isnt helping out in the family and mom is paying most of the stuff at home.

honestly, i can hardly find time these days to work after school. but i do have to work, if i dont work, i wont get allowance. no money means no food. and no money means i'll be dead very soon. maybe things dont seem that bad now but im really feeling the pressure. i want to do well in school, very much so. i want to be able to concentrate and focus all my time and effort into school rite now but i cant. i really NEED to work to get money to survive. where would my lecture notes come from if i dont have money. where would money for my video productions come from if i dont have money? talked to halim abt it and he's been really supportive and encouraging. asking me not to give up.

im crying at this very moment. im feeling a sense of loss. for the first time ever since i got back into school that im feeling this way. i dont know wat to do or wat i can do. feeling this way makes me wonder if it was really a good idea to come back to school to pursue my dreams. no one told me that dreams cost money. that it would be expensive. that if one didnt have money, dreams r nothing but dreams. if i didnt come back to school, i would be working full-time. yes the pay wouldnt be alot due to my qualifications but at least it would be something to get me by. now i find it very hard to get by.

i know i should stop thinking that way cos it is really negative and half the battle is lost if i dont even have the confidence. jon would be really upset if he found out that ive been like this. he'd want to help but he cant. he cant even help himself at this moment. i dont want him to know. it wouldnt make a difference anyways. have been hiding this growing problem from him..

been a long time since i've felt depressed. i hate being like this. i've always been strong, or maybe acted strong. steph isnt a strong girl as she appears. she's weak and she still needs help from others once in a while.