Ah.. Thursday already?

How the week flies by so fast. its thursday already. nick would be coming back on sunday. i did something unbelievable yesterday. i made a flash movie for nick. even i dont believe it.

alot of things happened in this 3 days. other than me breaking up with jon and making it final. jon came over to my place to return my stuff on tuesday. he had called the night before telling me tat it was his off day on tuesday and tat he would come over to my place to pass me my stuff. so tuesday came and i stayed home the entire day waiting for him to come over. day passed and evening came, he didnt come over and neither did he call. so i called him, only to find out tat he is at lynette's house. i was fuming mad, if he had called to say tat he wouldnt be coming over or tat he would only be coming over in the evening, it would have been fine. but he didnt. i had to call him. and he said he might not be coming over after all. not even a call to inform me. how responsible of u, i told him. and i also said.. i guess nothing really changes when we're together and when we're not. so after much arguing.. i finally managed to get him to come over.

during the time i was waiting for him, i made arrangements with oliver, to hang out together. so when jon came over and we didnt say a word to one another. we left the house together, since i was leaving the house too. something significant happened when we left together. jon's bus stop was just downstairs and mine still some distance away. the significance lied in the part where i walked to my bus stop, away from his. away from him. i was walking away from him. and i didnt turn back.. just like how i left him and didnt turn back. it was tough, walking away from him and not looking back at him. i kept telling myself tat i have to be strong. i must not show tat im weak. cos once u do show ur weakness, people take advantage of it.

later i went on to meet oliver in town. had no idea we were gonna go clubbing. thought we'd just have dinner and some coffee. i was dressed in a v-neck top and jeans. nothing fancy. so anyways, went along.. together with his sister and his sister's friend teresa. i was feeling shitty all night, tried so hard to stay strong and not crumble. had like 3 heinekens tat night on an empty stomach n to be honest, i was tipsy. tats why i have a warning for all. be it ur a good drinker or not, always eat before u drink. drinking on an empty stomach would indefinitely send u high into the sky, if u know wat i mean. in my tipsy stupor, i called jon.. talked to him and broke down in the ladies. i wanted to go over to his place and talk things thru but he had friends coming over. i got mad, cos to me.. friends could have easily took over my absence for him. but here i am, feeling miserable abt it. after i hung up on him saying tat i hope tat he is happy cos i will never be, i msged him alot of stuff tat hurt him. alot of things which i didnt mean but i wanted to hurt him, to tell him tat im hurt. i msged stuff like, "u know, i will screw any guy just to hurt you, even if its going to hurt me more." and also said stuff during the phonecall like, "maybe u can also screw lynette since she's going to be there." tat night when i got home, i cried even more. i broke into heart-wrenching sobs, tears which shook my body as i cried. after tat, i couldnt sleep for awhile, but later fell asleep drenched in tears.

the next day, i remembered wat i said and called him to apologise. he said he understood and he didnt blame me. then in tat phonecall, he admitted tat he missed me and tat he wants me back. i couldnt give him an answer. i really didnt know. even as now, i dont know. i want to go back to him but i dont know if im strong enuff to go thru another break up like this. this wasnt a plaything or a game. it was real, it was final.