Happy!

Dont ask me why but i feel happy today. but before i go into wat could be the possible reasons to why im happy.. first i would like to talk abt my relationship btwn jon.

well, we didnt patch up. im sure many of u would have thought so. im no longer as sure as i used to be.. abt patching up with him, or being with him. i feel tat maybe i shouldnt turn back since i was the one who finalised the breakup.

why i decided to leave him? well.. one of it was tat the night i broke up with him, i was talking to him over the phone... and the issue of money was brought up.
[imagine]-conversation-
jon: i have alot of things to think abt right now and you or us is the last thing becos all i think of or can think of is work.

me: so would tat be wat it would be in thr future? like u would always have work on ur mind and u'd have no time to think abt me or us?

jon: well... seems like it. anyways, u know how i work.. i only think abt work, i can only think abt work.

[cut long story shorter]

me: jon... r u cheating on me? i have a feeling that something is going on, which i dont know abt.

jon: no. i dont even have the time. all i do is work.

me: well, but u seem to be able to find time after work.. like u'd go clubbing.

jon: i dont go nowadays wat.

me: tats cos ur broke. when u have the money u would.

jon: not true. even if i had money, i wouldnt. u know, im thinking of stopping clubbing. sick of the same ol' music. i'd prolly just go have a beer.

me: with who?

jon: oh, ive found a friend i can go have a beer with.

me: there u go! a friend! its never with me! NEVER!

jon: tats cos if i bring u, i'd have to pay for u.

me: but u buy ur friends drinks too wat.

jon: still it wont be as much as ur cover charge.

(me very angry and pissed off)
after tat, he brought up alot of stuff i never knew he bore against me. and he even accused me of making him spend 200 bucks on me on NYE. which is not true. tat night. we went to chjimes with his brother-in-law n sister. and i had 50 bucks with me tat night. i had two coronas. one i paid for myself and the other jon paid for me. then after tat we went to next page. i paid for my own cover. i remember cos i remember giving on the remainder of my money and paying for my own cover. and tat night, i only had drinks that came along with my cover charge. and he dare say tat he bought a bottle tat night? wat rubbish?

other than tat, he said he spent 80 bucks on me on my birthday. tat is another ridiculous shit. tat night i spent 80 bucks too. i paid for cab fare back to his place tat night and bought him a beer too. he said he bought drinks for my friends. tats true. but i NEVER asked him to. all i did was ask him to order and i'd pay it. i wanted to pay. but he said, "no.. its ur birthday, i'll pay it." i never wanted him to pay. if i knew tat he was going to use tat against me, i would have never let him pay a single cent. and he still have the cheek to say tat it is out of his free-will?! if it truly was out of his free will, would he have said all tat shit abt spending so much on me?! no. fucking shit i tell u. u have no idea how angry, disappointed and sad i was to hear tat from him..

he even brought up grudges which he bore against me since dec? abt the 300 dollar watch i was suppose to get it for him for his birthday but i really couldnt afford it cos i had to pay my mom and my bills?

u know.. tat night, i had been thinking alot.. and i was comtemplating on letting nick go.. forget nick, get nick out of the picture and stick with jon and start afresh. then i had managed to get some of my faith back and a bit of patience.. but after hearing wat he had said to me.. abt the money and all tat... i just snapped a second time. i told jon, "forget it jon, since it is like this.. since i have no idea u bore so many grudges against me.. tat im such a burden to u, let's just forget it. i really dont want to be with u anymore. i didnt know u were so unhappy all along." and left it as tat.

wat i heard tat night over the phone really broke me into pieces. when i heard all of tat, i just broke down and cried. it totally destroyed wateva remaining faith and patience or even maybe feelings tat i had for him. tats prolly why i dont want to turn back or patch back. im no longer ready to patch up and take another blow in this relationship. even if i were to give it s second thought and try again at this relationship, i would say.. not now.. maybe in the future.. soon or the near future? maybe, maybe not...

cos i cant imagine if i were to marry a guy like jon.. tat if he is still going to be like this.. he would calculate every tiny thing like how many he forked out for the family and how much he paid for the child and note it all down.. and when the child is grown up, demand every single cent back from him.. i cant imagine all of tat. for me, if i were to bring up a child on my own painstaking efforts and hard-earned money, its only becos i love my child and i know its my duty as a parent. i wont, ever and never will ask my child to pay me back, unless the child wishes to out of their own initiative and fillial piety.

well.. i guess tat is tat for wat went on btwn me and jon.. why i left him. though i dont really feel right or good about my decision, i believe tat it is a right one. cos afterall.. he wasnt happy in the relationship either.. based on all those things he had against me..