St3phani3's Closet

2005-04-13T11:43:00.001+08:00

Overdue Library Books

i dont know but im less inclined to blog nowadays. i either just cant be bothered or just dont have time. no it aint an excuse, just facts.. just like how when you borrow books from the library, it does overdue and you just cant be buggered to return it? honestly, i dont care what ppl think of my entries.

someone left a nasty message on my tag, i deleted it. so? its my blog, so its my rules. i know its public so im considering whether to keep it private in the future. in the past, blogs were an outlet for me to destress, you know.. you cant really talk to someone so you write in a journal. its the same concept, just that you dont lock your blog in your drawer or keep it under your pillow/mattress.

so you have no choice but to allow me my freedom of speech in here, if not you can just navigate your cursor to the top right hand corner of the window, where you see the "x" and just click on your mouse button.

my current status is that im still with jonathan. its been more than 2 years and we're still hanging in there. we still do fight and argue but we're trying to make it better. at least now he is making an effort. i must give him credit for that.

my 21st birthday is coming, in another 13 days time. im planning a chalet but its still not confirmed. alot of things going on right now. did i mention that jonathan bought me a Lee Hwa "brilliant" diamond ring of 0.08 carat. its not big but its a start. im overjoyed. its my first "best friend" - refer to diamond's a girl's best friend - he took me shopping yesterday, "surprised" me with a small bouquet of rose (singular) accompanied with forget-me-nots, baby's breath and some fern like thing. hahah.. its very nice. very sweet of him.

other than that, he bought me a pair of heels from U.R.S. inc. its this pair of gorgeous black strappy high heels, with straps tied at the ankle. its so nice, so sexy.. been looking for one for so long.. after my last pair broke. finally!!

then just nice, Lee Hwa was beside U.R.S. inc.. so he went from shop to shop, literally. hahah. funny thing how i did mention that i wanted jewellery from Citigems but i failed to notice the shop was right beside Lee Hwa. hahahah. Citigems is from the same company as Lee Hwa, you know.. it is that ad with joanne peh and fiona xie acting as best friends...

2005-01-04T21:50:00.000+08:00

Oops. Im in trouble.

Guess what? the goody goody two shoes of the old times (according to old classmates) is now in trouble with the school. its been 5 weeks into school and guess what? im in trouble cos of attendance. ive been cutting school. yeah... yeah.. i know.. its a stupid thing to get into trouble for. my advisor called my home and spoke to my mom... and yes, i got screwed over for it. mom said that the advisor said that i missed like wat 11 days of school? im like wtf? cant be! no matter how i calculate, i still dont get 11 days. max is 8. yes i also know.. its still alot.

whatever it is, im now on the chopping board. i guess i would be seeing my advisor tmrw for the verdict.

another thing, ive gone back into a relationship. things are not too bad. still smooth.. less fights and stuff.. taking things slowly and less serious.

dil is back in singapore.. well.. he was for awhile.. now he is in malaysia.. he might be going to aus for a week or so.. then come back to singapore... spend another week and then head back to the states.

christmas eve was good. i thought i was going to spend it alone but dil called me up. i was surprised! he asked me what i was doing for christmas eve and i told him i was broke, single(then) and i was not doing anything. then he told me he was going to chinablack with his friends and sharing a 3 litre bottle of johnny walker. and he asked me if i wanted to join him. the bottle costs 900 bucks and he said each person was to pay 90 bucks. i told him i dont have the money.. if i did.. i would love to go.. then he informed me that cover charge is 45 bucks that night. i was like... dude.. i dont even have 2 bucks and u want me to come up with 45? hhahaha. turned him down and he said that if i changed my mind.. to call him.

next thing i know.. 5 minutes later, dil calls me back and tells me this. "steph, tell u what.. i'll pay for you and you come along okay? just come and have fun. its just really sad and horrible of me to let u spend christmas eve all alone by yourself. what do you say?"

then i met dil and his friend weishu at far east. went to shoot some pool and went to meet the other friends of his at chinablack. it turned out that it was not johnny walker. it was a 3 litre bottle of martell. not my favourite at all. but then again, beggars cant be choosers.

had tons of fun and all that thanks to dil.. he's such a wonderful fella. known him for 2 years plus and we've been thru alot. ive tried my best to be there whenever he needed a friend and he's been there for me too.. in the old times.. before he flew off to the states for studies.

clubbed alot since he came back. went to chinablack twice in a week. bad man.. not that i paid for anything but i feel bad la.

anyways.. im gonna stop here. i cant seem to get my mind off the verdict tmrw.. it scares me... another problem that i have created for myself.

the cumulative effects of my evil doings.

2004-12-19T01:16:00.000+08:00

Long Hiatus

its been really too long since i last blogged. i have to apologise to all. im sorry i havent been blogging. too many things have happened and i have been occupied in many ways. school's back in after my 6 weeks of attachment at asia pacific breweries.

im really not in the state of mind to blog let alone talk to anyone. let's just say that right now, im pretty screwed. having alot of problems rite now. with money, with men, with friends, with school, with family, with myself. i cant share it with anyone, it is something i have to go thru on my own.

i will continue to blog as regularly as i can from now on. but i cant promise that i will be honest. it is sad, for it is my blog and honesty is almost indefinite but at the same time, i'd choose silence over truth.. simple cos this is a public blog, not a private one.

funny how i used to run to this blog to spill out my sadness and woes but now i seem to be running away from it. just like im trying to run away from my own problems..

my previous entry highlighted that i have been going in circles in my life. i still am. looking for the way out.. somehow i know the way out but i refuse to walk myself out. why? cos i am afraid? or cos i am too stubborn. it is true, i am stubborn. i dont listen. i know i dont. it is cos i dont listen that i have lost friendships and relationships. maybe i should start to listen. the difficulty lies in the first step. first steps are always hard. i am trying to take that first step but im not ready. the harder i try, i end up stepping backwards.

christmas is just around the corner. and at the top of my wishlist is strength. i pray for strength to take that first step. strength to move on.. strength emotionally or mentally. right now, strength is what i want and need most.

next is to find a new job. im still working with the esplanade but its just too difficult to get shows. i cant just survive on the pay from the esplanade. im thinking of going back to nightlife. just the weekends. at least i would be able to make ends meet with another job.

im going to stop here. im not going to announce my return back to blogging. for those who still check, welcome back. nothing much i know.. but im trying..

2004-09-15T21:21:00.000+08:00

Waayyyyyy Time part 1

hey u all. sorry for not being able to blog. quite alot of things has happened all this while. firstly, i was at SGH on the 14th. went for my colonoscopy which was scheduled at around 1:30pm. im not going to explain wat it is.. kinda embarassing. so.. i was admitted for the day.. didnt have to stay overnight.. then i was put on anaesthesia.. they first poked the needle linked to tube linked to syringe.. into my right hand.. one of the veins.. then they realised no blood came out.. nurse said that my vein's too thin.. no blood. hahah. painful man. then doctor made fun of me and asked if im a pampered daughter who doesnt do any form of housework watsoever. i protested.. then they grabbed my left hand and kept whacking it.. attempting to look for a thick vein. ah ha! they found one. a super thick bulging one. its at the side of my left wrist. doctor was like telling me how it wont hurt but i ended screaming and said tat he lied. after a while.. i was half laughing and half crying from the pain.. then he asked me if i felt sleepy.. i said a little bit and the next moment.. i concussed.

i awoke only to find myself to be awakened by the nurse. everything was over. somehow i got up and she led me to the toilet and handed my things/clothes back to me and somehow i got changed. why do i say somehow? cos i really cant recall that i put on my clothes by myself.. or how i did it. hahaha. it was hilarious.

then they gave me a cup of milo.. sat me down somewhere. i didnt realise tat i fell asleep.. then i was holding the milo in my hand. next thing i knew.. the nurse woke me up and said, "girl, dont hold the milo and sleep.. later spill." then she took my milo and put it on the table.

and somehow i left tat department and went to meet my mom downstairs. i was supposed to go to blk 4 level 1. i took the lift and exited on some storey. i dont know which.. and stopped in my footsteps and puked. do note tat i didnt eat anything the night before and tat morning or after. i guess the sip of milo which i had.. my stomach just couldnt take it. i threw up on the floor. and also cos the anaesthesia having its effect on me. i was later wheeled to where i was supposed to go.. and my mom met me.. went to pick up my medication and later took a bus home.

i slept all the way on the bus back home. i was exhausted. must be the anaesthesia.

i think im going to stop here. i cant stop crying. there r so many things on my mind. im thinking abt jon.. abt school, about my friends and about everything tat has been going on in my life. im depressed. im lonely and im tired. my life seems to be going in circles. i keep ending up at the same place. i want to cry my heart out. im in pain, my heart is hurting.

i want to grab someone and burst into tears...

2004-09-01T23:11:00.000+08:00

Short Entry

hey all. sorry i havent been blogging. been sick for a week plus. started off coughing, then lost my voice, then came a runny nose.. then finally a full blown flu. went to see a doctor already and am now on medication. was on 2 days MC on monday and tuesday. have i mentioned how much i hate to take medication?

haaha. i think this year has been a year of alot of things. its been a fairly good year for me, but it has also been a year which i have been ill rather often as well. maybe its the lack of sleep, the busy schedule, the lack of fluids and all the stress and problems which i have been facing throughout the year.

anyways.. im was at SGH today for my medical appointment at 2:50pm. was late cos i was held up in school. but im really apologetic cos i couldnt stay behind in school to help the rest in my advertising project to mount the stuff. my consultation came up to a sum of about 50 dollars.. its considered cheap already.. since i was at the specialist outpatient clinic. i shan't go into the ghastly details of my consultation. . let's just say that i need to go back to the SGH for a mini procedure on sept 14th(tuesday) at around 1pm. i would have to be admitted.. but no worries, its juat a day admission.. i dont think i need to stay overnight at the hospital. but i'd be on MC tat day. confirm. cos the nurse said tat the procedure is only done on tuesdays. how odd. im kinda scared abt the results. let's just say its not really looking good for me. anyways.. so now i have like 6 kinds of medication to take... including my flu medication.

ah ha! just remembered. i bought a new hp casing for my samsung x430 flipfone. its a doraemon cover. rather cute. hahaha. was at the hospital registration counter and on the phone with andy then the nurse saw my phone and started asking me and saying how cute my cover is. hahahah. then there was this discussion among the nurses abt my cover. amusing man. andy said my cover is really attention grabbing. bleh. im not AS okay? note** AS = attention seeker.

hmmm.. im feeling drowsy already. medication is taking its toll on me. i need to get up early tmrw anyways.. got advertising at 8am. loooong day tmrw. 8am-6pm. someone save me. take care y'all. anita.. if u are reading this.. i miss u and i hope everything is fine... take care okay? *hugs*

2004-08-20T21:03:00.000+08:00

The Super 6

ever wondered if the super six applied to urself? well, if u think about it carefully.. it really does. thinking wat the super six are? well, they are what, when, where, who, why and how. now let me tell u how it would apply to me and maybe u can figure how it would apply to u too. :)

what? when i first wake up in the morning, i would say. "FUCK! What time is it?!" if not i would go, "what should i eat for lunch today?" or.. "what the fuck do you want?" or.. "what is your fucking problem?" and "what assignments do we have?", "what happened?", "what went wrong?", "what is he doing now?"

next you have when? "when is the assignment due?", "when are we going clubbing again?", "when is he going to call me?", "when is my period coming?", "when is the bitch going to pay me?", "when would i ever see him again?"

where? "where are we going?", "where shall we go next?", "where is tat?", "where is he now?"

then is who? "who is that bitch?", "who is going clubbing this weekend?", "who the fuck is he/she?"

why? why is she so anal today?", "why hasnt he called me?", "why doesnt he reply my msges?", "why is he so cold towards me?", "why did i go back to him?", "why do we always fight and argue?", "why can't we be happy?", "why did i find someone i really liked and yet not let me have him?", "why can't i be happy?", "why do shit always happen?", "why is everything so fucked up?"

lastly, there is the how? "how am i going to finish the assignment on time?", "how can i be happy?", "how can i ace this semester?", "how can i earn more money this month?", "how did things become this way?", "how did i end up like this?", "how can i see him again?", "how the fuck do i know?", "how i can change things?" and "how i wish i can turn back time?"

actually, there are alot more which the super 6 would apply to my daily life. wondering why the sudden inspiration to touch on the super 6? well... i think its cos i had my newswriting make up tutorial today. it was boring today. was the post mortem for field assignment 1. the national day write up. she wanted us to discuss wat we enjoyed most abt the assignment. u know wat i said?

hahaha. i said the adrenaline of burning midnight oil. hahahhahaha. =P then later came the question.. so wat problems did we face while doing the assignment. i said i suffered from writers' block. u know.. mind a complete blank, no inspiration then cannot write. hahahah. i think if im a reporter for a newspaper.. my newspaper wouldnt be published daily but as and when i have an inspiration. hurhurhur.

to be honest, i have plenty of things on my mind rite now. most of them abt relationships and my feelings. i know i should be thinking abt my schoolwork now cos i have tons of them on my hands but if my relationships are not going well.. i really wouldnt be able to concentrate on schoolwork. when i talk abt relationships, im not just referring to my relationship with jonathan.

im also referring to friendships and relationships at home. relationships at home with the mother is not good. she seems to be pissed off at me. for some reason. she started being angry at me on thursday. tat night after i went to chinablack on wednesday, don came to pick me up and sent me to jonathan's place. in the day time on wednesday, jon and i actually argued again. over the issue of a sex band. im thinking if i should elaborate on the issue of the sex band. if i do, its going to be a long entry, though its already very long. maybe u guys should let me know if i should tell the sex band story. hahaha. continuing.. i stayed over at jon's tat wednesday night. when i got back home the following day, i mom began raving and ranting abt me not coming home the previous night. i get why she is angry but im puzzled.

why puzzled? well.. simply cos in the past, i used to stay over at jon's like 3 days a week or more.. and she didnt say anything. and now.. im like staying over either once a week or less. im hardly ever at his place now. then she is like sooo angry and so unhappy about it. weird. so right now, my mom is like not talking to me.. oh well..

oh yeah, i was electric shocked today in the shower. i was taking a shower.. then i felt that the water wasnt hot enough so i reached up for the heater.. for the knob.. i dont know wat i was touching or turning and suddenly, i felt this pain that shook my finger. i couldnt feel my finger for a moment there. but im fine.. just a shock thankfully. guess which finger? of all fingers, it had to be my middle finger. hahahahahha. wat the fuck rite? imagine if it was a strong shock or a fatal one. then i would have been dead. NAKED. urgh. wat a horrible and embarrassing way to die. burnt, cooked and naked. wah lao. i would never want to die or be found dead tat way man. lol.

okay la. i think i blogged enuff already. tired of typing. heehhe. will blog tmrw if i have the time. aiya. most prolly i would cos im rather free. :P

2004-08-18T15:00:00.001+08:00

kinky winky

hurhurhur. no im not horny or feeling kinky. just my nickname on msn. initially it was pinky winkie. but then ryan came along and said, "no, it should be kinky winky." inspired, i changed to kinky winky! hahaha. sounds so me eh? ahahhaa.

submitted my ad analysis today, slept only at 6am and woke up around 8plus. headed to school and printed my stuff. lucky i made it before the deadline of 12pm. heh. thanks to sarah, she's so nice, help me submit after i mounted my work. thanks babe!

let's pause for awhile...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

this is my work schedule at the esplanade for the rest of the month.. not many :( only have two confirmed ones left.

27th Aug, Friday : SDT - Awakening 8pm @ Theatre (6:30pm-10:30pm)
29th Aug, Sunday : The Legends Musical Nite (In Tamil) 8pm @ Theatre (5:30pm-11pm)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

okay, back to wat i was saying... feline still owes me my pay. and im waiting for my esplanade pay as well. so currently im like eating air. ha ha ha.

as of now, im just gonna go a count of the number of assignments i have on my hands.

*note: the end of the two week break marks week 10. the last week of school is week 15

ad campaign (due in Week 14)
media management pt1 (due on 30th Aug) highest priority!
media management pt2 (due in Week 15)
media research: -final project (due in Week 14)
tv production demo assignment (due in Week 13, if im not wrong)
newswriting field assignment 2 (due at the end of the semester)
PQS project (due at the end of the semester)
radio production - stereo assignment (due in Week 11 or 12)

tats about it. i havent included some individual assignments yet.. cos their not assigned to us yet. but this is the minimum number. yes 8. if i dont blog, tats cos i dont even have the time to sleep, let alone blog. i guess working at the esplanade would be kept to the minimum too as well i guess. unless im lucky to get some shows tat would fit nicely into my schedule. oh yeah, not forgetting tat i might be working for feline for all my weekends in september and the first weekend of oct. though i would rather work at the esplande cos they pay me more and the work is so much more relaxed. i guess working for feline has its perks too. like how the money comes in at such unfixed timings tat i would have money in btwn my fixed pays. lol. odd reasoning isnt it? haha.

im bored. this two week break is boring. esp when im broke. cant do much without those crisp notes. ah fuck. oh yeah! forgot to mention about boys. remember in one of my entries i mentioned tat im having luck in men.. hahah. once again im in contact with a really old friend i havent seen in say wat.. 3 years? his name is alex him.. i used to have a huge crush on him in 2001 when i just came into ngee ann poly, in I.T. he was the Freshmen Orientation Camp Chief. sharon and i was so crazy over him cos he looked so cute. anyways, back to alex. we dont have one another's contact number and we really hardly contact or talk. usually i would only see him online on icq. but it was not frequent. he graduated when i was in year two I.T. later he went on into the army.

so.. out of the blue, he suddenly msged me on icq and we decided to exchange numbers and stay in touch. we talked online for hours and i think my interest in him is kinda still there. hahaha. we flirted online man. hilarious. we talked abt meeting up.. me cooking pasta for him.. we clubbing together sometime and all tat. it was nice warm fuzzy feeling. :) its just nice to catch up with old friends.

im really itching to go out man. im thinking of heading to chinablack later tonight since its ladies nite and leave early cos im broke. need to catch a bus home. if andy(one of my colleagues at the esplanade) can make it.. i guess i'll go. it'd be odd going alone.

ahahah.. so many new guy friends in my circle. how exciting. im also having quite a bit of fun working at the esplanade. got to watch fireworks and the revenge of the dimsum dollies. it was a good show. so funny. watched it 3 times and i still laughed at their jokes. :D

okay. i think this is all for now.. take care u all.. i'll blog soon. :)

2004-08-17T04:12:00.000+08:00

FaceLift!

hey y'all! i decided to give this blog a makeover.. so viola! anita helped me with some of the redesigning of this skin.. so big thanks to her! :) i'll be back to blog soon. now i gotta go work on my ad analysis cos it is due in just 7 hours?? ah! bbl! :D

2004-08-11T22:18:00.000+08:00

Sorry?

i think my blog to all of u out there is way overdue. i want to apologise but i know i dont mean it so why say it rite? i just realised that it is my blog and i would blog as and when i can or i please. sound like im in a bad mood? i guess i am. okay i dont guess. yes i am.

my mom just bitched. cant recall when she last did but yeah she is at it. this time it is my fault. i had dinner and i didnt wash my plate. then she went on and on.. saying this saying that. saying tat when we were younger, we used to spilt up the work and write up a roster. yeah.. like she said, tat was when we were younger. next, she went on to say tat now that we have grown up and working, we dont give her money.

to my mom though i know she wouldnt see(bryant, if u see this, shut the fuck up):

hello? im not working full-time? if i was, i would give u some. dont say all tat to me cos im not working full-time. besides, ur intended audience is ur two eldest daughters who are already working. not my fault they are not giving u money.
anyways, its been say wat 2-3 weeks since u gave me allowance. i didnt say anything or ask. i just keep quiet and eat air in school.

and mom, i havent been getting enough rest cos of schoolwork, could u be more understanding and dont scream? my headache is already bad enuff as it is with all the stress from schoolwork and the lack of sleep. i really dont need my headache to become any worse. i appreciat all you are doing for me and our family but sometimes, please.. i need my time off and some peace. u want to bitch at us, choose a better time? -end-

many reasons make up why im upset. i'd just list a few...

i've got two assignments due tmrw(my radio commercial and my ad analysis)
im broke.
having a rift with jon(what's new?)
i gave up 3 shows this week for schoolwork(which is equivalent to $100)
i dont have enough rest = im tired
i have quite a bit of stuff on my mind
im lonely. (ironic eh?)

quick message for those i havent seen in a while. big hello to winnie, i saw her in school for the bazaar. "regards to u my gf. take care of urself. we'll party or meet up soon eh? i miss you". i know nick wouldnt get to see this but wat the hell... "i miss you. dearly." sad to say, i think we're not even friends now. friends dont do the things you do. friends dont do the things we did. and friends dont ignore friends with words like "im busy". to halim, "dude, im sorry i havent been there for you. i have no excuse. but u've always been a friend to me. probably the truest friend i'd ever have in my life, please do continue being my friend if i do deserve it. i really do love you as a friend. i can guarantee that i'd be crying my eyes till they pop when i send u off at the airport. you are dear to me.." to hanizah, though she doesnt read my blog, "oi babe, u take care of yourself can? let's work hard! be it in school, work or our lovelife. i know u care alot for me and i do too for you. you are one of my closest gfs, i know im not ur best friend but u are dear to me as well. never give up! let's stick together!" to anita, "once my partner in crime, always my partner in crime. to more late nights together. let's hang in there!" not forgetting sharon my best friend in australia, "sharon, my best friend, for 14 years, still my best friend. im glad to see that things have always been good or at least smooth for you. work hard in australia, i do miss you and meiyen. i wont forget u guys. forgive me if ive been busy with school. i still think back to the days we shared together. i miss those days." actually, i have alot to say to alot of ppl but i dont think there would be enuff space here to say everything down to everyone.

i dont know why but i feel melancholic. i feel blue. some might think that i seem like im leaving my last words. maybe i am. i dont know. there are some things which i dont think i'd like to say. i think im just going to keep it to myself for now.

quick update for all. ive got say... 9 assignments on my hands now. sorry if i havent been free to meet up with anyone. plus ive been working at the esplanade.. anyways, ive got suggestions from friends saying tat i should put up frequent updates on the shows at the esplanade since i get to watch them. like show reviews. i was thinking it is a good idea but i need ppl to gimme their views. drop ur views in the tagboard. :)

then i got to know a few new guys.. there's yi xian.. my colleague at work.. rather nice fellow. ;) then there's jon.. another jonathan.. nice and okay dude., havent met him.. then there's shawn. actually know him from before.. met him up for dinner with binks. then there's don. havent met him either. he seems perverse though. hahaha. oops. im widening my social circle. but i dont seem to be going out alot more. ahaha.

nothing else to update i think. other than im waiting for my pay to come in at the end of the month. the last pay i got i spent already. heh. i just cant save money. bleh. oh yeah, did i mention tat i got my internship like finalised? yeah i did. yippee! so happy. well.. i guess i'd only see nick on october 25th. tats my first day of ITP. nick's birthday is on the 28th.. im gonna bake him muffins i guess. :) i know its stupid of me.. but i still want and am going to do it. im stubborn. wat to do? :P

2004-07-20T22:46:00.000+08:00

Back Again! Hee. =)

So...! yeah im sorta trying to get back to the momentum of school-life-home-bf-work. heh. trying hard to manage all of them and not suffer a breakdown or let one affect the other. tough man. well.. let's first talk abt school. hmm... its been 4 weeks and i must say, IM STRUGGLING! fuck. yeah, im struggling. my timetable is really draining. by midweek, i'd be half dead. not to even mention friday being the last day, i would be literally dead, in mind and soul... body barely surviving. the current count for the number of assignments to be done and due soon is 4 -

media research methods: literature review,
advertising: ad analysis,
radio production 1: 3 min capsule, and lastly,
media management project assignment.

for numbers 1 and 3, they r due next week. *gasp* haha. i havent even started on them. i know i know.. i better get started soon or else im really dead. so yeah, looks like i wont be going home anytime early these days.

oh yeah, sharon left for aussie already. sent her off. felt bad that i didnt get her anything. was completely flat broke. kaput broke. surprisingly i didnt cry. unlike then when i went to send anh off... i practically cried my eyes till they were red n puffy and i didnt stop even after she went into the belt. its sad to see friends leave.. not to even say best friends.. -sigh- especially when come next year.. when halim leaves for tasmania.. ALL of my best friends would be there. and i'd be alone here.. yes i will have hanizah and she's my bestest girlfriend! we're

oh well, im doing my research on further studies. yes, i might be leaving too, dont know where to yet but i want to get my bachelor's. currently, im thinking of applying to SFU(simon fraser university) in vancouver canada. u know something? the aussie dollar has gone up. now.. canadian dollar is smaller than the aussie dollar. cool huh? heh. so for poor people like me.. we'd have to go to canada to study.. cos its cheaper. :P anyways, back to SFU, i wanna apply to the school of communication and get a bachelor's degree in applied sciences, which is mass comm la. lol.

hmmm.. wat else is there to update? hmmm.. *thinks* alex my british friend was in town for awhile and we met up with cam, charmain and some peeps i dont know. was short i guess. pressed for time.. loads of stuff to do in very little time.

OH YEAH! i was on MC today. though i was in school for a short while, i went to the polyclinic and got an mc. not really feeling too good.

fucking shit. just got informed tat i would be staying in school to do project till rather late tmrw. fuck. school is becoming home to me. did i mention that im beginning to hate some ppl in my class? dont want to mention names but yes im really beginning to get fucking pissed off with the things tat they do or say.

oh well, anyways.. i gtg now.. class at 11am and still need to stay in school for project till late.. bleh.

2004-07-16T23:05:00.000+08:00

Been awhile...

Yes i know, its been almost a month since i last blogged and im guilty of being lazy. but thats not all, school started for most as all of u would know. and each week is so exhausting. come friday everyweek, i'd be so tired and restless. though i finish school at 2pm on fridays and would love to head out and do something.. but then my tired body and restless mind would tell me to go home and catch up on sleep. funny..

the whole school momentum hasnt hit me yet. i know there are loads to do and deadlines to meet but i havent really gotten to doing them. -sigh-

anyways, some updates..

i got back together with jon (AGAIN)
i secured my internship with APB
nick and i are not really talking
anil(former bf) and i r pretty close friends now
my bitch of a boss still owes me my pay
sharon is leaving for aus today
halim is going for his op on the 26th.

okok.. sorry but this would be a short entry. cos im heading to jon's house right now.. his house is nearer to the airport and sharon is leaving in the morning.. i'll be heading to the airport from his house.. so i'll blog soon? heh :)

2004-06-23T02:17:00.000+08:00

Tired!

*note: i noticed that i like to blog late at night or early in the morning of the next day. so my blogs or wateva i put up is actually things tat happened a day before the stated posting date. i hope im not confusing. [:

dont know why but im beat. woke up at 10:30am today and realised tat i overslept. took a shower and got dressed to head out. was supposed to meet halim at 10ish. called halim and no one answered. kept calling like mad but still no answer. panicked. kept calling but still no answer. went back to sleep and occasionally waking up to try to reach halim. i was worried! tried to look for his home number but failed. called up CGH and checked if he got admitted in.. he didnt. so i was quite relieved. i officially woke up at 2 plus in the afternoon. then i suddenly remembered tat i was meeting sharon at 4pm.

so i got changed and set off to thomson road. was too darn lazy to take the bus so i took a cab. was only $3.90. hahah. saw sharon, gave her a big hug. weird hug it was. lol. sharon and i dont hug since we first knew one another and grew up together. we rarely hug so it was natural for it to be weird. hurhur. :Þ hung out and chatted and caught up with one another till 6 then she closed shop. she was working at mcds.. for her dad(her parents arent in town and her dad owns canteens to rent it out to otherss, the one at mcds is one of them). afterwards she drove one of the auntie employees back home and then dropped me off at chancery road. i had training at 7pm remember? heh. waited at the bus stop but the bus never came, so i had to take a cab to the esplanade. got there right on the dot at 7! wow. training was alrite.. quite interesting, roleplaying today. roleplayed ushers and patrons. hahahah. new kinky sex roleplay role. hahahahah. im insane.

the room was really cold. had to sit on my hands to keep them warm. jon called in the middle of it and asked me where i was. told him i was at the esplanade having my training. he said he was at the padang, outside the cordoned off area for the LINKIN PARK concert and he said he had a pretty clear view of the WIDE screen tv showing the concert LIVE. told him i would go over only after 10 when my training ends. then i found out tat i could actually enter the concert without paying! god! too late! why? cos my VO(venue officer) can just walk in!!! and i was thinking.. if he is going as well.. he can just bring me in!!! shit man. in the end it didnt happen.. cos i didnt wait for him and i just ran to the padang.

met jon there. didnt talk much. just enjoyed the music and sang along. it ended at around 10 plus coming 11pm. we left the place together and he said he was hungry and he asked if i was going home straight. i said yeah. we only talked to one another when necessary. i accompanied him to eat at S-11 beside the national library and then we walked to our bus stop to take a bus. his bus stop was different from mine but he still walked me to mine and waited with me. somehow, he decided to take another bus instead of the other and hopped onto the bus while i hopped unto mine.

just yesterday he told me tat he has no interest anymore and he doesnt want to get back together. then today i asked him again if he had interest, he tells me not now. i told him, "if it is not anymore, just tell me, dont tell me not now. cos ur making me think twice about fighting for this relationship n making me think twice about waiting for u to get tat interest back." i feel tat he is giving me weird signals. he says at the moment he is tired and he doesnt have any interest. and tat he doesnt know wat he wants. and at the same time.. he doesnt know if when or whether the interest will come back and AT THE SAME TIME, he wants us to go our own ways and concentrate on our own things. dont u all agree tat he is giving me weird and mixed signals? *sigh* oh well. he wants to go out with me on thursday. so i guess yeah we would be.

anyways, i gotta meet halim tmrw early at 7:30am. going to carry out wat was planned yesterday. go to CGH and get him admitted. will be accompanying him all day. then afterwards head to training. long day it would be for me tmrw. not enuff sleep for sure. oh well.. for halim.. its okay. my best guy friend. so no regrets or complains.

did i mention tat im sexually deprived now? and im sex starved? pardon me ladies and gents, but i am honest with myself and everyone else. :Þ

2004-06-22T02:36:00.000+08:00

Helloooooooooo Tuesday!

Hey everyone! How's everyone doing so far? Thanks for tagging my board and for being so concerned. im better now. no more fever. stil got cough and the itchy throat, runny nose and phelgm. gross stuff i know. so im gonna stop.

i felt alot better on sunday. though i was still abit feverish and coughing. i worked on both saturday and sunday as well.. both of them at the west end of singapore. boon lay/clementi/jurong point/jurong east to be precise. guess wat? some friends actually spotted me there!! so paiseh! cassandra and regina saw me at liberty supermarket man! and i was like, "OMG! OMG! OMG! oh no! so embarassing!!" cassandra was like walking towards me and smiling widely while i was trying to hide. nice to see u there but i wished i didnt see friends.. i dont want them to see me in my get up! urgh. anyways, tat weekend i worked with timothy and bernard.. saturday and sunday respectively. my sis and i sold pretty well. quite satisfied i'd say. found out tat xiulan(the BA i mentioned before) got to meet nick the previous week at clementi.. when nick paid a visit to bernard there. xiulan was working with bernard on tat day. wah lao. heard from bernard tat xiulan went up to nick and said, "OH! so YOU are NICK?! WAH! I HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU!! SO many BAs say that you're so caring and nice!" and rattled on.

wah lao. when i heard tat, i panicked! i was thinking. FUCK. wat the fuck did xiulan tell nick?! did she tell nick tat i was one of the BAs? and confirm nick would think tat it was me who said tat. panic sial.. so just on monday, i smsed xiulan and asked her about it. she said she didnt mention me (thank god!) but i know tat nick would surely first think of me when it comes to tat rite? anyways.. i havent smsed nick since friday, pretty happy with myself for not msging him.

as for things with jon.. its really fucked up and complicated. i really dont think i want to talk about it here. peeps if u want to ask me about it.. maybe next time when we meet? sorry..

oh yeah! as for the Tiger Beer Roving thingy, its coming to an end soon. another two more weeks and i wont be doing it anymore. school's starting in less than 6 days. pretty excited about it. printed my timetable. i need to get a note book and some stationary. i guess i'll be pretty busy this week. esplanade training for another 2 more modules/days.. had training on monday, it was a site tour. fucking 2 hours plus.. just walking around the theatre hall and the concert hall, attempting to familiarize. tiring man. then tuesday is the embarassing and boring roleplay thing where we ROLEplay the situations and circumstances tat may happen. the last one would be on wednesday, the safety, security and fire evacuation thingy module. after tat i would officially graduate from the training! yay! woohoo! finally. two months of fucking training, worst part is not tat its two months, but its seven days/modules spread over 2 months! so i officially start work next week after i get all my stuff ready by tuesday. next tuesday, i would have to go back to the esplanade to collect my nametag, my user id, password, my lilac polo tee uniforms, go for fitting for the perfect nehru suits for me, go for photo-taking for our passes and etc. busy busy busy. tat means after tuesday, i can register for my first day of work in tat same week or even the following day! (:

oh yeah, back to my busy week. so mon-wed was training. today was supposed to meet sharon for awhile but something came up. had a row with jon again. then went for training, came home and blah~. the boring stuff. tmrw im going to changi general hospital with halim.. got some things to do. after tat if got time then meet sharon at thomson rd. after tat go for training.. then head back home.

wednesday i might be meeting xuanyi since he is enlisting in the army on thursday. would be meeting winnie i guess after her work for awhile.. maybe for dinner or just coffee. then go to the esplanade again for training. after training.. head to meet second sis at dbl o for ladies' night! anyone wanna come? thursday is my rest day, but its also the day i meet jon. dunno wat's going to happen on tat day. friday, saturday and sunday would be tiger beer roving again. and come monday! it would be school! (: tuesday would be school and then back to the esplanade to run errands.

so tats my schedule planned all the way till tuesday! so packed! so busy! will be even more busy!

another thing. was talking to liling about orientation for the freshies. im actually interested in helping out for it. weird. but i cant make it for the briefing, let alone for the orientation on thursday. la la la. sorry liling! wish i could join u!

hmm... wat else did i miss out? *thinks* OH YEAH! im thinking of holding this massive party at a chalet. i miss going for chalets or even organising such stuff. dont know when it would be. depends on how soon i can book it. im trying to get those bungalow type of chalets. then i can have a massive get-to-know matchmaking session for the girls AND the boys!! lol. the start of my pimping agency. LOL. i'll prolly invite the APB guys, my old asiaone portal web community friends, some of my old clubbing friends, my friends in poly, all my friends, friends' friends and perhaps friends from friendster too! i'd provide the food and drinks. but my party requirement would be.. bring at least a 6 pack beer each head. i miss the house party which ryan and i organised like in 2001. tat was great man. had like 70 over ppl come.. even ppl we didnt know but since we publicised! cam would remember! cos she was my barbitch. halim wouldnt remember much since he left early. ryan would remember since it was his house and his parents nearly disowned him cos the party was too wild. peeps would went would have remembered since it was free booze for all and the house was fantastic cos it had NO furniture. the chalet would have all the works man. food, alcohol, drinks, games, music, dancing or wateva.. and happening ppl! cant wait! just need to figure out some stuff.. like the location, the chalet and the availability. will let u all know as soon as its confirmed!

so tats all for now folks. im tired and i cant think of anything else i can remember to put down. heh. hope u all had a great weekend. do take care of ur health cos the flu is passing the buck and the weather's been pretty horrible. call me anytime to club or go out aye?! (: steph out!

2004-06-19T02:26:00.000+08:00

SICK SICK SICK

wah liew. been damn sick. the full-blown flu has finally come down upon me. couldnt sleep properly all night last night. kept waking up. it was either tat the fan was too cold for me or tat i needed to pee, or tat i just couldnt sleep properly. the fever began during tat time too. it went on to morning.. i woke up at 7plus and i told mom tat im gonna follow her to the office so tat i can go see a doctor. she suggested polyclinic at toa payoh. but the wait at the polyclinic scares me. so i was like "erm.. dont want can?"

waited and waited for mom to get ready.. wah lao. she took damn long can. waited till 8plus then she suddenly said we're going to the clinic nearby at whampoa. then we walked walked and walked somemore. somehow.. dont know why, i had no idea which clinic mom wanted to bring me to. tried to guess but we walked so far and so much tat i really didnt have a clue. till we got there tat is.. then she said.. "aiya, should have walked the other way.." then i was like.. almost "peng".

waited for quite sometime for the doctor. waited for like 20 min. so long! then the stupid doctor didnt even check much. just ask me wat's wrong with me.. and ask me to open my mouth and he shone a torchlight into my mouth, listened to my breathing, took my temperature and asked me if i went to china or if i had rashes. knn. fucking 25 bucks can? anyways, my temperature was quite high. 38 degrees. but i think it cant beat the last time i was sick at jon's. tat one was 38.6 degrees. but still cant beat tat time i was little.. 39.3 degrees. -evil laugh- u all must think im crazy. lol

must be the medication! he gave me anti-biotics, 2 bottles of cough syrup and paracetamol, or in another words, panadol la. all tat for freaking 25 bucks. damn, i should have studied harder and become a doctor. charge alot and do little.

i thought i wasnt gonna go to work today.. but then i did. i actually did call my boss and tell her im sick.. but i also told her tat i WANT to work but im sick.. and i told her tat if she doesnt mind me going to work sick.. i'd go. then she asked me how sick i am. i told her i got fever, cough and basically the flu. she said if i dont mind she wouldnt mind lor. so i went.

mark was my sales rep today. i did call him to tell him tat im sick but im still gonna work. so he was really nice and concerned. he kept telling me.. if im really not feeling well, he asked me to call him and he'd let me go home early. so nice rite? pity i couldnt sell much beer today. only 1 carton. so freaking pathetic. my worst sundry record. fuck man. did i mention tat the sundry was at sleazy geylang with loads of whores? it was right beside the road, so much dust and smoke.. n it was so noisy with the traffic. if i had the voice, i would shout, but i dont. kept coughing like mad while working. the owner of the mini-mart very nice.. i want to buy drinks.. they say no need to pay.. "kaki lang". so nice.. :) but i feel damn paiseh leh. so tat was pretty much my day today.. or yesterday. since its saturday already.

well.. im gonna go rest now.. still working tmrw at jurong point. goodnight y'all.

2004-06-17T23:12:00.000+08:00

Happy? Sad? Both?

met nick for awhile earlier.. he came by to return me my snoopy box. the snoopy box which i kept the banana crumbs muffins which i specially baked for him.

the meeting was brief and short. im happy tat i got to see him again after so long.. but sad cos i wish it was more than just this short meeting. i was dressed really down-to-earth, unlike the usual times which i met him.. i was just in a spag top and shorts.. tied my hair up in a ponytail and wore my glasses. it was the first time in which he saw me in my glasses and in super slack casual wear. first thing he said to me was... "nice glasses!" and i smiled and said.. "thanks.." it was a nice warm feeling to see him smile and hear his warm friendly voice again. i missed all of that.. and so much more. i guess i feel sad cos i wanted tat warm feeling to last.. but i cant do anything for tat to happen. alot of things when it comes to nick.. it is not in my hands.. i cant do anything abt it. sad but true i guess.

while i was waiting.. i was walking my dog too. nick's met piggy before.. and piggy recognised nick.. piggy was soo happy to see him.. ironically, so was i. piggy was jumping all around nick.. then nick mentioned tat he cant stay cos he had a friend in his car waiting for him.. so he went off. before he went off.. he actually patted my head. i gave a weird look to him.. haha.
while he was getting into his car.. he said, "you dont look tat good.." and i said.. "cos im sick.." and he said, "yeah i know.." and tat was it..

*sigh* i dont know wat else i can say.. cept tat im getting more sick.. can feel a fever coming down on me.. cough is getting worse.. and im really reaching the stage of full blown flu. hate it tat im halfway there. half sick and half not. semi-lethargic.

oh yeah.. met up with halim for breakfast.. i had peanut porridge, ngoh hiang and fish cake. halim didnt have anything. then we walked all the way to little india to find his henna powder. didnt find it. but at least halim ate something. he had masala thosai.. at kamala vilas. the best thosai ever! i didnt have any cos i was stuffed already.. after tat we both headed home.. i got home and slept.. woke up at like 2 plus cos i was awakened by feline(my boss)'s phonecall to inform me of my schedule this weekend. after tat i tried to go back to sleep but i couldnt. stayed up since..

then i got a phonecall from oliver. he asked me if i wanted to accompany him to do some shopping.. i said im sick.. but then wat the hell.. so i went along.. he came to pick me up.. he had his uncle's car.. so we drove to bugis.. then to suntec.. he got his stuff and then we headed home. got some nice news from him., he's dating a girl. so happy for him. :) then he sent me home.. and then nick called... and wat happened happened..

goodnight all. im really not feeling too good. thanks for being concerned. love u all.

2004-06-17T05:17:00.000+08:00

so yeah.. from now on.. my blog would be more alive.. its going to be filled with pictures and stuff i guess. :) going to go grab a quick nap and get up to meet halim..

2004-06-17T05:13:00.000+08:00

and this is jonathan.. who also looks better in person.. i think..

2004-06-17T05:11:00.000+08:00

thought i would let u people take a look at how nick looks.. though he looks much better in person.. guy on the left..

2004-06-17T05:09:00.000+08:00

me and winnie at the ritz..

2004-06-17T03:39:00.000+08:00

A New Beginning!

gave a facelift for my blog.. hope u guys like the new change. i was getting bored of the old one.. so yeah. decided to change to girls. heh. its a fresher and a more uplifting one. did some modifications to it.

anyways. its a thursday morning now. wondering why the hell im still awake? well.. tats cos im meeting halim later for breakfast.. i know tat if i sleep now, i wont be waking up till at least like 2pm. so yeah.. staying awake.

been ill on wednesday. woke up with no voice. felt really under the weather. oops! i forgot to mention.. went to Wild Wild Wet on tuesday with jon, cam and cam's cousin mary ann. the rides were pretty fun but i wish i hadnt gone.. some stuff happened and im not too happy about it. i wish to write more about it but i really dont want to hurt anyone's feelings. let's just put it as i was comtemplating on reconciling with jon but wat happened at the water theme park changed my mind.

another thing. i was at one of the rides called tsunami.. this tidal wave ride thing.. it creates massive waves.. wah lao. im not tat great of a swimmer so i ended up drinking loads of chlorine water. yuck! maybe tat explains why i lost my voice on wednesday when i woke up.. since i started off with a sore throat before i went there and after the chlorine.. hahahha.. u all know the equation.

so tat was tuesday and wednesday.. other than the fact tat i was feeling sick and forgoing clubbing with the girls(winnie, hanizah, cassandra and etc..), i didnt go cos im left with 20 bucks till my next pay.. which is on the 5th of july. *counts* another 18 days. urgh. paid for jon's trip into the theme park as well as all the food and stuff..

nevertheless.. school is starting in less than 2 weeks' time. to be precise, its only another 10-11 more days to school. kinda looking forward to it.. since this holiday has been more of a rollercoaster ride than anything else. with nick and jon.. and everything else.. *sigh* i kinda NEED school to put the stability back into my life. or at least keep me and my mind occupied.

sharon's leaving on 17th july, jen just left, halim's leaving early next year.. everyone seems to be going somewhere or leaving to somewhere. one by one slowly, everyone is leaving me. sad.. lonely.. *sigh* feeling pretty melancholic actually. oh well, i guess it is all part and parcel of growing up.

anyways, im working as BA this weekend again. trying to earn as much money as i can so tat when school starts.. i would get cash. still need to do more shopping. great singapore sale still on. waiting for the levis' warehouse sale in early july. *evil laugh*

u know wat... actually.. ive been wanting to meet nick or see nick more than anything or anyone else. i really do. i miss him loads. god.. i sound like some lovelorn idiot. i dont love him. i just miss him making me laugh and all. i wish i could just get to see him before school begins and i'd be happy. i wish he could just let me..

oh well.. really nothing much i can do on my end.. he's totally outta my league already. lost to me i guess.. dont wanna have any form of hope anymore. just gonna get more hurt and disappointed in the end..

okay.. im gonna end here now.. alot of typing already. fingers r tired. this is for everyone else who reads my blog and r my fans. funny how some people say my blogs r not like others.. totally not boring like others.. weird... to be honest, i began this blog not to let the whole world know wat's going on in my life.. but for me to keep memories and read back into the past and relive precious memories. tats why.. if blogger shut down.. *touches wood* it'd mean i'd lose my precious memories too. thank u girls and boys for making this blog worthwhile and being a part of my life! *hugs n kisses*

2004-06-14T14:48:00.000+08:00

What's Love?

Sorry folks, been awhile since i last blogged. been wanting to blog but yet havent really gotten to it. where to start? hmm.. last week was a pretty emo-fun-crazy-party-sadness filled week. nick came back on monday morning. know wat? till today, i still havent seen him since he came back. alot has happened.. i really dont know where i should start. nick came back.. went to work and faced alot of talk abt me and him. talk that wasnt true and talk tat made him feel edgy and uneasy. dont know why but i think it was since then tat he hasnt called me.. hasnt replied my messages and etc. i mean. he does reply my smses.. but just not as prompt and definite like before. he's changed towards me. he's not as passionate and not as feeling toward me. now he's pretty cold.

we both agreed tat we needed to talk and sort things out. so as the week went by, i really hoped tat he'd meet me or we'd go out but it never happened. he's always been busy and stuff. we arranged to meet for a movie on saturday nite but it got cancelled at the very last minute cos a friend of his needed to be 'rescued'. *sigh* i really do miss the nick i got to know.. i miss the kisses. the embrace.. the warmth of his hand.. the way he makes me laugh or smile and the way he makes me feel about him.

i hate the awkwardness btwn me and nick now.. but we've pretty much sorted things out last night. we didnt meet.. i got to speak to him over the phone for abit but tat was it.. nothing more. only sorted things out when i came back home and he was online too. he wants to be friends.. doesnt want anything more but just friends. he said he cant handle having something going on btwn us and yet not being together. but at the same time, he's not ready for a relationship. he said tat if tat kinda thing continued btwn us.. he knew tat he's going to run away from it soon after. so now.. we're just going to go out as friends, without the kissing and the holding hands.

i just found out.. tat in his definition.. we were dating. but now we're not. in my definition.. we're just going out.. dating yes but we're not together. argh. hate it. hate it how things have become like this. hate it tat we wont be dating anymore. but there's really nothing much i can do now. he's already decided. though i did message him n say tat if he ever changes his mind about us.. about dating.. let me know.. cos i'll be around. foolish me. oh well..

so back to wat happened in the past week. on wed i met up with 6 other girls for ladies night. winnie, cassandra, liwen, huiqing and etc.. we went to dbl o. me and cassandra were downing tequila shots most of the time. got quite high but sobered up in the end. halfway i had to go chinablack to meet nicklaus. another nick.. but when i got there.. he said something cropped up and he was at hilton drinking whiskey. so i made a wasted trip down to chinablack. jon was there. we kinda talk/argued. he wasnt happy tat i was high and tat i wasnt standing straight or talking properly. okay la. i was high, swaying from side to side and slurring. so wat? heh. he begged for me to give him a chance to win me back.. and words slipped out of my mouth.. i told him tat there is someone else in the picture.. nick. when jon heard tat, he smashed his phone on the floor and it went into pieces. i got pissed off and i screamed at him and said, "pick it up now! dont u dare do this to me!". then he picked his phone up. i could see tears in his eyes.

in the end, i agreed to give him the chance.. been pondering over my decision. i guess some part of me still wants to be with him.

afterwards i headed back to mohamed sultan to look for the girls. went back there and we didnt head into the clubs. we just hung around.. one reason was cos i was hungry. heh. we headed to the kopitiam nearby and i had my black pepper steak. yum! i really miss some folks back at mohamed sultan.. and also the food too.

by the end of the night.. where the clubs closed, the people came out either hungry or high. i got a phonecall not long after. jon called and asked if i wanted him to pick me up.. i told him its okay.. i can always head back home by myself and he can save the money. then he said tat i really wanted to pick me up and have me over at his place and spend time with me. he kept insisting.. so i relented. he came.. i said my goodbyes to the girls and we took a cab and headed to his place. sounds normal doesnt it? well.. there's more to it. never did i expect him to be even more high than me. halfway during the cab journey back to his place.. we had to stop to let him throw up. i ended up sending him back to his place and not the other way around. he said all he had was a heineken and a stout. but from the way he was behaving.. i seriously dont think it was just a heineken and a stout, must have been more than tat for him to have been tat high. funny how i saw him tat night.. it really reminded me tat it was exactly why i left him.. and wat i dont wat to go back to.

so tat was last wednesday night, thursday morning for u.

on friday, i worked.. collected my pay and since hanizah got a STUFF magazine invite for two.. we went for the launch party. the invite wrote tat the party was held at the pier at robertson.. so we went there.. who knows.. tat the party WASNT there at all. it was at zouk instead. only found out when we chanced upon a signboard tat told us tat it was at zouk. the invite did not mention anything abt the venue. fucking hell. wasted trip to the robertson. we grabbed a cab and went to zouk. by the time we got there, i missed the freeflow beer.. urgh. my favourite hoegarden man. no more. i had a disgusting tasting henessey green tea man. tasted like crap. no taste, no flavour. the show at the party was so-so.. nothing much. alot of goodlooking ang moh models.. but it was pretty boring. the party ended at 11pm.. so we decided to head on to Phuture instead. YEAH! PHUTURE! RNB! hurhurhur. it was so my kinda music. and so hanizah's kind of music. we both didnt want to be approached or disturbed by men.. so we decided to pass off as lesbians. lol. at phuture, they were having 1 for 1 for drinks. i had 4 coronas! lol. one after the other. like i was just drinking water. hanizah had her usual of coke/sprite. we had so much fun man. but one thing for sure.. i was more high on wednesday than i was on friday. :) headed home after tat.. though before i did.. some stuff happened.. but i dont think i want to mention any of it.

saturday and sunday was just mainly work as BA and nothing much.. so im not gonna say anything more.. that was my past week i guess.

2004-06-03T18:39:00.000+08:00

Ah.. Thursday already?

How the week flies by so fast. its thursday already. nick would be coming back on sunday. i did something unbelievable yesterday. i made a flash movie for nick. even i dont believe it.

alot of things happened in this 3 days. other than me breaking up with jon and making it final. jon came over to my place to return my stuff on tuesday. he had called the night before telling me tat it was his off day on tuesday and tat he would come over to my place to pass me my stuff. so tuesday came and i stayed home the entire day waiting for him to come over. day passed and evening came, he didnt come over and neither did he call. so i called him, only to find out tat he is at lynette's house. i was fuming mad, if he had called to say tat he wouldnt be coming over or tat he would only be coming over in the evening, it would have been fine. but he didnt. i had to call him. and he said he might not be coming over after all. not even a call to inform me. how responsible of u, i told him. and i also said.. i guess nothing really changes when we're together and when we're not. so after much arguing.. i finally managed to get him to come over.

during the time i was waiting for him, i made arrangements with oliver, to hang out together. so when jon came over and we didnt say a word to one another. we left the house together, since i was leaving the house too. something significant happened when we left together. jon's bus stop was just downstairs and mine still some distance away. the significance lied in the part where i walked to my bus stop, away from his. away from him. i was walking away from him. and i didnt turn back.. just like how i left him and didnt turn back. it was tough, walking away from him and not looking back at him. i kept telling myself tat i have to be strong. i must not show tat im weak. cos once u do show ur weakness, people take advantage of it.

later i went on to meet oliver in town. had no idea we were gonna go clubbing. thought we'd just have dinner and some coffee. i was dressed in a v-neck top and jeans. nothing fancy. so anyways, went along.. together with his sister and his sister's friend teresa. i was feeling shitty all night, tried so hard to stay strong and not crumble. had like 3 heinekens tat night on an empty stomach n to be honest, i was tipsy. tats why i have a warning for all. be it ur a good drinker or not, always eat before u drink. drinking on an empty stomach would indefinitely send u high into the sky, if u know wat i mean. in my tipsy stupor, i called jon.. talked to him and broke down in the ladies. i wanted to go over to his place and talk things thru but he had friends coming over. i got mad, cos to me.. friends could have easily took over my absence for him. but here i am, feeling miserable abt it. after i hung up on him saying tat i hope tat he is happy cos i will never be, i msged him alot of stuff tat hurt him. alot of things which i didnt mean but i wanted to hurt him, to tell him tat im hurt. i msged stuff like, "u know, i will screw any guy just to hurt you, even if its going to hurt me more." and also said stuff during the phonecall like, "maybe u can also screw lynette since she's going to be there." tat night when i got home, i cried even more. i broke into heart-wrenching sobs, tears which shook my body as i cried. after tat, i couldnt sleep for awhile, but later fell asleep drenched in tears.

the next day, i remembered wat i said and called him to apologise. he said he understood and he didnt blame me. then in tat phonecall, he admitted tat he missed me and tat he wants me back. i couldnt give him an answer. i really didnt know. even as now, i dont know. i want to go back to him but i dont know if im strong enuff to go thru another break up like this. this wasnt a plaything or a game. it was real, it was final.

2004-05-31T02:19:00.000+08:00

Happy! Sha La~ La~ La~ La~

ok.. back to why im happy.. or why i could be happy. this whole weekend was spent working my arse off. worked on fri, sat and today(sun). worked near woodlands customs checkpoint on friday at sheng siong hypermarket. i was just a few steps away from johor man. lol anyways.. tat night, martin was my sales rep. dont really like him. i believed he had bad intentions towards me.. cos he asked me to go clubbing after work and he was quite secretive to the other promoter when the promoter asked martin in the car if he was sending me home.. thank god, i mentioned nick and he backed off man. if not tat guy would be thinking of screwing me.

then on sat i was assigned to the west side. urgh. so freaking far can? was assigned to BOON LAY jurong point liberty and clementic ntuc. KNN. so freaking far.. then my sales rep was patrick. dont like patrick either, he got this black face.. damn fucked up face. then in the evening.. jonny took over. jonny is nice.. damn funny person. comical. makes work fun and makes us laugh at his mad antics.
jonny isnt supposed to be with the supermarkets division. he belongs to the sundries division. but cos nick is not in singapore.. jonny has taken over his duties as for now. and sunday was at jurong east IMM giant and at boon lay ntuc. sales for both days were really good. sold close to 15 cartons. my partner or colleague was fun and hyper like me.. proactive and keen to sell.. xiulan is her name.. we both worked pretty hard and produced good results i guess. both of us were damn tired but we still went on.. :)

so maybe it cos of the fun i had this weekend working.. tat my mind is always work and fun.. tat im not really thinking abt jon and all those suffocating stuff.

but the other reason is highly cos nick msged me today from canada. hee! we kinda chatted over sms for awhile today. was nice. he said he misses me.. lol. funny. said he cant wait to get back to singapore... lol.. me silly.. me behaving like mad woman. lol

anyways.. all this leads me to think how tight my finances would be next month cos of my HIGH bills due to me sending smses to canada.. shit.. need to cut down. im already trying not to smsm nick till he smses.. and he only comes back on the 6th of june. cant wait! hurhurhur.

okay. me going to sleep. me going swimming tmrw morn. me will be late if i dont sleep now. goodnight! :)

2004-05-31T00:53:00.000+08:00

Happy!

Dont ask me why but i feel happy today. but before i go into wat could be the possible reasons to why im happy.. first i would like to talk abt my relationship btwn jon.

well, we didnt patch up. im sure many of u would have thought so. im no longer as sure as i used to be.. abt patching up with him, or being with him. i feel tat maybe i shouldnt turn back since i was the one who finalised the breakup.

why i decided to leave him? well.. one of it was tat the night i broke up with him, i was talking to him over the phone... and the issue of money was brought up.
[imagine]-conversation-
jon: i have alot of things to think abt right now and you or us is the last thing becos all i think of or can think of is work.

me: so would tat be wat it would be in thr future? like u would always have work on ur mind and u'd have no time to think abt me or us?

jon: well... seems like it. anyways, u know how i work.. i only think abt work, i can only think abt work.

[cut long story shorter]

me: jon... r u cheating on me? i have a feeling that something is going on, which i dont know abt.

jon: no. i dont even have the time. all i do is work.

me: well, but u seem to be able to find time after work.. like u'd go clubbing.

jon: i dont go nowadays wat.

me: tats cos ur broke. when u have the money u would.

jon: not true. even if i had money, i wouldnt. u know, im thinking of stopping clubbing. sick of the same ol' music. i'd prolly just go have a beer.

me: with who?

jon: oh, ive found a friend i can go have a beer with.

me: there u go! a friend! its never with me! NEVER!

jon: tats cos if i bring u, i'd have to pay for u.

me: but u buy ur friends drinks too wat.

jon: still it wont be as much as ur cover charge.

(me very angry and pissed off)
after tat, he brought up alot of stuff i never knew he bore against me. and he even accused me of making him spend 200 bucks on me on NYE. which is not true. tat night. we went to chjimes with his brother-in-law n sister. and i had 50 bucks with me tat night. i had two coronas. one i paid for myself and the other jon paid for me. then after tat we went to next page. i paid for my own cover. i remember cos i remember giving on the remainder of my money and paying for my own cover. and tat night, i only had drinks that came along with my cover charge. and he dare say tat he bought a bottle tat night? wat rubbish?

other than tat, he said he spent 80 bucks on me on my birthday. tat is another ridiculous shit. tat night i spent 80 bucks too. i paid for cab fare back to his place tat night and bought him a beer too. he said he bought drinks for my friends. tats true. but i NEVER asked him to. all i did was ask him to order and i'd pay it. i wanted to pay. but he said, "no.. its ur birthday, i'll pay it." i never wanted him to pay. if i knew tat he was going to use tat against me, i would have never let him pay a single cent. and he still have the cheek to say tat it is out of his free-will?! if it truly was out of his free will, would he have said all tat shit abt spending so much on me?! no. fucking shit i tell u. u have no idea how angry, disappointed and sad i was to hear tat from him..

he even brought up grudges which he bore against me since dec? abt the 300 dollar watch i was suppose to get it for him for his birthday but i really couldnt afford it cos i had to pay my mom and my bills?

u know.. tat night, i had been thinking alot.. and i was comtemplating on letting nick go.. forget nick, get nick out of the picture and stick with jon and start afresh. then i had managed to get some of my faith back and a bit of patience.. but after hearing wat he had said to me.. abt the money and all tat... i just snapped a second time. i told jon, "forget it jon, since it is like this.. since i have no idea u bore so many grudges against me.. tat im such a burden to u, let's just forget it. i really dont want to be with u anymore. i didnt know u were so unhappy all along." and left it as tat.

wat i heard tat night over the phone really broke me into pieces. when i heard all of tat, i just broke down and cried. it totally destroyed wateva remaining faith and patience or even maybe feelings tat i had for him. tats prolly why i dont want to turn back or patch back. im no longer ready to patch up and take another blow in this relationship. even if i were to give it s second thought and try again at this relationship, i would say.. not now.. maybe in the future.. soon or the near future? maybe, maybe not...

cos i cant imagine if i were to marry a guy like jon.. tat if he is still going to be like this.. he would calculate every tiny thing like how many he forked out for the family and how much he paid for the child and note it all down.. and when the child is grown up, demand every single cent back from him.. i cant imagine all of tat. for me, if i were to bring up a child on my own painstaking efforts and hard-earned money, its only becos i love my child and i know its my duty as a parent. i wont, ever and never will ask my child to pay me back, unless the child wishes to out of their own initiative and fillial piety.

well.. i guess tat is tat for wat went on btwn me and jon.. why i left him. though i dont really feel right or good about my decision, i believe tat it is a right one. cos afterall.. he wasnt happy in the relationship either.. based on all those things he had against me..

2004-05-28T04:11:00.000+08:00

OFFICIALLY SINGLE

yes it is official. im single. jon and i r through. i dont wish to talk abt it as yet. will talk abt it once im ready to.. goodnight everyone.. i'll see u soon..

p/s: dont worry, i'll be fine.. just need some time to be alone.. btw, i did good in this sem. results r out and they r ALOT better than last sem.

2004-05-27T21:45:00.000+08:00

Hmm
i forgot to mention tat nick has just left for canada for his graduation yesterday morning. he's going to be away for two weeks. i guess with nick away.. it's a good time for me to settle wateva btwn me and jon or at least clear up my shit.

the night and morning before nick left, we spent it together. i didnt think i would get to see him before he left.. i thought i would only get to see him like in another two weeks' time instead. cos he did say tat he is busy and he might not be able to meet up with me. who knew... the whole day i didnt msg him.. would he actually msg me and ask me out for a movie..

he came to pick me up at my place at abt 8plus and we went to watch a movie at lido. we watched 'laws of attraction' starring pierce brosnan and julianne moore. it was a nice show. nothing fancy or great but nice. its not the first time watching a movie with nick.. second time actually. the last time around.. we watched 'troy'. i like watching movies with him.. he makes me feel needed. in a sense tat im not watching it with any stranger, but with someone i know.

then after tat we headed back to his place n i helped him pack his luggage. helped him decide on wat to wear for his graduation day.. like which shirt goes with which tie, along with the pants and the overcoat. as well as which pants/jeans to bring over and stuff. it was pretty fun, somewat like a fashion parade. him strutting his stuff in those clothes and me picking it out for him. heh. after tat it was still really early and we just slept side by side.. cuddled and slept soundly.. till his alarm went off and he took his shower and afterwards.. he sent me home and he went off to the airport.. bleah.

it was really sweet and nice.. spending time with him.. all tat really made me miss him quite abit since he is not in town. funny how he asked me in the car.. wat i wanted from vancouver. didnt think tat he'd ask. didnt really want anything from vancouver.. so i told him tat i wanted him back in singapore in one piece safe and sound. he said sure no problem.. (the truth is.. wateva he gets from canada tat is specifically for me, i'd be very happy) =P

its been more than a day since nick flew off to canada.. and he had already sent me 2 smses from canada.. :)

2004-05-26T16:40:00.000+08:00

Updates Pt 2

other than all tat going on in my weekend job.. i did mention that there r alot of new ppl in my life. i got to know alot of new ppl due to my job. got to know lots of other promoters from the supermarkets that i was assigned to. the difference btwn promoters and us BAs is that BAs are directly hired by the events company, whereas promoters r hired thru employment, recruit agencies.
during my job briefing for BA, i got to know nicholas ng. he is the trade marketing officer in APB, under the supermarket/sundries division. so indirectly he is my superior. though feline of EIdeas is my immediate boss. nicholas or nick for short has made an important appearance in my life. let me tell u abt his background or at least some stuff abt him. nick is 25 this year, he drives, he earns at least 3k in a month, he just came back from canada having completed his degreee in mass communications and he lives alone(cos his parents' house doesnt have a room for him). sounds like i did a background check on him? nah. ive been talking to him over the phone and going out with him for quite a bit. he's the almost perfect dream guy tat has walked into my life. cos of him i realised how much better i should and could be treated. know wat? he calls me almost every night before he sleeps even when i didnt ask him to? other than tat, if i dont msg him for almost a whole day.. he'd take the initiative to msg me instead?
he is a really sweet guy.. never known a even more fillial guy than him. i always look forward to meeting him, be it for a movie or for supper.. there is this freshness about him. another reason also lies in how comfortable we feel in the company of one another. the way he makes me laugh or smile.. how we can just be at ease with one another. i just want to get to know him better. he is really interesting in character and personality.
i like nick. there's no doubt abt it. but at the same time, i know it may just be my wishful thinking.. maybe its just a crush or an infatuation...
have a question in ur mind rite now? want to ask me wat abt jon? or how's me and jon? well, we're currently on this one month break where there are no obligations for both parties to call or to inform of their whereabouts.. no obligations or restrictions to go out with whoever or whenever. i was the one who set the one month break. i just feel so tired. tired of trying to make this relationship work. exhausted. especially when i snapped. ive lost my patience. since tat night when jon picked a fight with me in the middle of the night at 5am abt me not informing him of my plans(i was out with a friend).. and prior to that, he picked a fight with me going out with anil(my ex bf) for supper and that he didnt like it and stuff.. that he doesnt trust anil and blah blah~. since tat incident abt anil, my patience had already become really thin, i did tell jon abt it but nooo someone didnt pay attention and picked another argument with me.. i just snapped! now, every lil thing abt jon that irritates me, really irritates me to the max. being with him or around him has become frustrating already. tats why i asked for a month off to at least try to get tat patience or faith back. jon agreed to it. but he did ask.. after 1 month, wat happens? i told him, if im ready to go back to him, i would. if not then i'll leave.. harsh? maybe. impulsive? i think not. think all this is happening cos of nick's appearance? maybe. maybe not. u guys all know all along how've ive been while being with jon.. maybe all i need is change..

2004-05-26T14:47:00.000+08:00

Updates!

WOW! been a while ive posted a blog eh? sorry babes and dudes, so much has happened n i really havent been bothered to blog. almost been a month and really alot has happened. alot of new ppl in my life these days. been working as a brand ambassador(BA) with Asia Pacific Breweries(APB) for Tiger Beer on the weekends. in antoher words, yes.. im a Tiger Girl. as for weekdays, im just at home bumming, doing totally nothing at all. okay, talking abt the job.. i actually got it thru my sister. i didnt even have to go thru any interview or wateva, just went for the briefing n i was roped in. the pay is really good. 10 bucks an hour for the department im working under.. in this campaign, there r three departments. the clubs/pubs, kopitiams, and the supermarkets/sundries. im under the supermarket/sundries. the BA under the other departments get paid more.. due to the nature of the location. the intensity of the harassment that they would face.. from the old tikopeks(horny old ah peks). anyways, anyone of u out there interested to work in my department can give me a ring or let me know somehow.. i can rope u in if u r interested. i have to emphasize.. we only work on weekends. :) but wat do we actually do as BAs? other than standing there and looking bimbotic and pretty. yes we promote, sell and educated the kitsch(dumb) masses abt the campaign that Tiger Beer is having; the football millionaire challenge. though we dont have a quota to meet in our selling.. but we are need to sell at least a minimum number.. maybe a few cartons or at least the best we can depending on the crowd. the best part of the job lies only only in the pay, but also the itinerary of the days' work. we start work at 1pm and it ends at 9pm. during this time, we go to 3 supermarkets in a particular area for a couple of hours.. then after that we would travel with our assigned sales representative from APB in their cars to the next location n so on. in btwn we would have dinner breaks. though dinner is not included, but we're still paid during that time. heh. cool huh?

oops! i forgot to mention that being BAs.. we have to be dressed in the Tiger Beer uniform. be prepared.. its not just any uniform. its a Tiger Beer tube dress in gold and blue. with a slit at the side and some kind of fake inner lining. -shudder- for me, im wearing a size M.. but the thing is.. my boobs no matter how big they already r.. r still not big enuff to fill tat tube dress. urgh. so every 5-10 minutes.. i would have to stop in my footsteps just to pull it back up.. yes it slips.. stop laughing u all. argh.

2004-04-29T06:03:00.000+08:00

Beautiful Morning

GOOD MORNING! rise and shine and im awake at this hour. why? cos i just came home actually. went to send my mom and my eldest sis off at the airport. their flight in in another 25 min or so.. where to? japan! they r going to be away for 10 days and would only be back on the 10th of May. its my mom's first trip that far away, eldest sis paid for her air ticket, accommodation would be taken care of as they would be staying at a relative's place. and spending money.. my uncle gave my mom 700 sgd worth of japanese yen to spend. how cool? awesome.

in this 10 days, im responsible for my brother's well being. im practically playing mother to him. i have to wash his uniform and iron them, making sure that he doesnt run out of uniform. then im also doing most of the cooking. mom bought alot of stuff and kept it in the fridge. so that i can cook up something for the rest of us at home...

anyways. wondering abt my current marital status or my relationship status? im not too sure abt it actually. dont know if it is ok, good, bad, maybe? or more of i dont know. im just chilling. didnt call him at all yesterday cos i was angry at him. long story. but those who have been in touch with me would know why i was pissed off.

this friday is my celebration/partimania! lol. im definitely going clubbing. must go clubbing. havent clubbed in ages and i really have to. halim is coming.. so is winnie, oliver, cam, hanizah.. hopefully the other unconfirmed friends like varian, casey, kevin, daniel, vick, amelia, chitra, utt and etc would call me and confirm with me real soon. cant wait. im planning to go chinablack. havent been there since last dec. thought it'd be a nice big and spacious place for me and my friends to partay.

talking abt chinablack, it is the reason why i was angry at him. anyways, let's first talk abt my birthday.. abt how it went. but before that, i would like to thank all my friends for wishing me and being there for me all this while.. i miss all of u loads and i cant wait to catch up with each and everyone of u again. my birthday was spent mostly at home. didnt go out till in the evening. jon spent my birthday with me. we met in orchard and caught a movie. caught 50 first dates. starring drew barrymore and adam sandler. real hilarious movie. totally love rob schneider in that movie man. its a highly recommended movie by me!!

we went for dinner as well.. well.. he ate.. not me. cos i was full, i had vercimilli(im not sure of the spelling) and egg. mom cooked it for me for my birthday. went to far east to buy earrings. he bought a pair, asked me to choose it, for both our piercing at the cartiledge. one for him and one for me. then after the movie.. we just walked around and to the train station at dhoby ghaut and i stayed over at his place. as for wat happened at his place. i think many of u would be able to guess. lol. but i had a great time! =) i guess him spending my birthday with me was my present as he didnt spend it with me last year...

okok.. im really tired. finally done with i-search paper and stuff. need to study for marketing when i wake up later. so i really have to catch my sleep. didnt sleep the night before... i'll talk abt why i was angry at jon another time alright? sorry abt it. too darn tired..

2004-04-22T17:16:00.000+08:00

unofficially single

it isnt official till he says it. but it seems tat all he is doing to me now are tell-tale signs that he is leaving me. as much as i want to stay in this relationship with him.. it seems futile. cos he no longer sees an 'us', he sees no point. his exact words..

ive been crying alot lately. so much that ive lost count of the number of times ive cried myself to sleep at night. no one would be able to understand how i feel now.. maybe only hanizah as she is having similar problems with men.
come to think abt it. its been awhile since i last smiled from my heart and was happy.

right now, he wants to be apart from me. he doesnt want any form of communication btwn us for two weeks. he said that after two weeks, he'd tell me his decision. im at his disposal now i guess. i feel so broken, beaten up and all my defences broken down into nothing. i cant protect myself and neither can i defend any oncoming attacks.

feel so vulnerable and helpless. as though ive lost a part of my body. i feel paralysed. been thinking so much abt so many things that i dont know wat im thinking abt anymore. there r so many things on my mind. alot of it being jon.

its amazing how men can just decide to turn their backs on the woman they claim to love in a snap of a finger. i blame myself alot. n i told him how i would blame myself for the rest of my life. he makes it seem that its been my fault all the while. that i have been the one pushing him to this decision.

so much so that im beginning to think that maybe it could be true. its such a love hate relationship i guess. i love him so much. too much. i love him even more than i love myself. i know tats really foolish but i cant help myself. for he is the one i would only love this much ever. at the same time, i hate him so much. hate him for doing this to me. he's so cruel and heartless. yes life would go on. but it just wouldnt be the same anymore. many would tell me that i deserve better and someone better would come along. but i seriously doubt it. as im tired. im tired of giving so much and not getting any back. im tired of being stupid and soft hearted. tired of loving someone.

maybe i should be happy. afterall i did get a good review for my not even half completed i-search paper. school is good so far. today being the last day of school and all. but i cant help myself and think abt me and him. its so fucked up. i feel fucked up. never felt this way ever.

if only he knew how much he means to me. if only he knew how much i want to be with him. if only he knew that im dying on the inside without him. if only...

suddenly, i just wanna cry, open the flood gates and just cry my heart out. ive been feeling choked with emotions. and i really hope and want to cry to make myself feel better.

i miss him. terribly. awfully. i need him. but if only he knew..

2004-04-18T01:29:00.000+08:00

beyond words

wat im feeling now is beyond words. dont know if it is anger, despair, sadness or helplessness. im angry at my own stupidity and at jon. despairing cos i think ive almost come to my wit's end. sadness cos im hurt and disappointed. helplessness cos i cant stop myself from feeling this way.

a friend just msged me on msn and asked me why im not at my bf's place. r u wondering too? "well.. thats cos he's out", i answered my friend. "why are u not joining him?", my friend asked again. i told my friend that i didnt know. but the truth is that i do know. just simply cos im not with him now, not that i dont want to be with him now. but cos he is out with his friends/colleagues and cos he would never ask, cos he doesnt believe in mixing gf and friends. why? well.. thats jonathan for u. he says his friends wouldnt care if i was there at all. and "besides... its all guys", jon would say.

honestly, the number of his friends which i have met, and known briefly, do not exceed the number of fingers i have in one hand. yes. it is that pathetic. its not that i dont want to know or meet his friends, but im not allowed to. ridiculous? yes i think so too. but thats jon for u. having chosen to be with him, this is wat i have to go through. ive resigned to my choice and only grumbled, maybe slightly more than once in a while. afterall.. there r quite a number of issues tat could be linked to this. for instance, since i dont know his friends... how am i to trust them? or trust him with them? since i dont know his friends, how am i to know if they are truly just all guys or just 'friends' and not more than friends... like girls whom he claims to be his old friends. it all boils down to trust i guess. but based on wat am i supposed to place that trust upon when he does not have the courtesy to call and inform me of his whereabouts, so that i wouldnt get worried. wondering why i would get worried? for he is afterall 24 this year and capable of taking care of himself.

the answer is simple. cos his words r almost worth close to the indonesian currency. cheap. it may seem mean of me to say that, but it is the truth. he says he would come home SOON. i asked him wat is his definition of soon? is it within an hour or wat? cos my definition of soon is within the hour. he says 1.5 hours. ok, fine by me. but guess wat time he arrives home? 1.5 x 2 = 3hrs. amazed? well, im not. cos im the one at his place, waiting up for him. amazed is not the word i'd use. angry? maybe. pissed. maybe. annoyed. maybe. in fact, all the above. that is not all. if only he is truly 24 and is totally capable of taking care of himself. if tat was truly the case, why would i find him sleeping at the lift lobby drunk? i wish someone in the world could tell me how i am to react to things like these and so much more. when i saw him lying at the lift lobby, i broke down and cried. for i had been so worried sick abt him. that i had initially been back home at 12midnight, last talked to him at 11pm and couldnt reached him since. kept calling him and his phone was off, all the way till 3am. neither did he call. i was so worried that i couldnt sleep. i tried to, but i ended waking up half an hour later wide awake and worried. to think that i was so worried that i took my last 10 dollars, took a cab and rushed to his place. i arrived at his place at 3:30am.. waited and waited but to no avail. so i thought to myself.. why not i go down and wait for him there. i grabbed the keys and left the house.. only to find him lying at the lift lobby drunk.

who really understands how i actually felt then? who truly understands wat ive been going through? who understands my pain and hurt? no one does but me. yes everyone tells me and asks me too. why dont u leave him? the answer is simple. i see so much more in him... so much potential to become someone of great calibre. be it professionally or when it comes to having a gf. i know he'd change and grow up. but for now, this is wat im stuck with. the unknown lies in the fact that i know he'd change, but maybe not with me? maybe not now? not in the next 5 years? the question lies in when and whether i'd still be there for him.

it must be obvious that i just had a row with him again. the whole reason being that during his off day, he says he is tired and tat he wants to stay home and watch tv, and is broke. but the drivel lies in the fact that on a workday, he says he is tired and that he is broke.. yet he can still go out and have drinks with his colleagues. like right now. get why im pissed off? no? well, im pissed not entirely cos he is drinking with his colleagues. but mainly cos he says he is tired, is broke, has work the next day and he still goes out drinking. not only that, if u can really see like i do, u'd se ethat he has time for other stuff but never for me.

i asked him earlier,"do u think u have been a good bf to me?" he replies and says,"yes i know i havent been a good bf." "then why the hell arent you even trying?", i said. if u obviously know, why arent u even doing anything abt it? -sigh- i seriously dont know wat else i can say. other than im tired of trying all the time. i feel like a car running out of petrol...

2004-04-17T15:00:00.000+08:00

hehehe. forgot to mention that im crashing my former classmates from IT's graduation prom at ritz carlton. it'd be on 13th may.. i'd most probably be going clubbing after that.

and also.. this coming 30th.. i MUST GO CLUBBING!! dying already. been cooped up for too long. probably going to new asia bar. heheh. celebrate my release from the fucking asylum.. and also a belated birthday thingy for me.. and winnie too. hehehe. winnie... if we are lucky enuff rite? we got chauffeur leh. my friend oliver might be driving his dad's lexus!!!

if he is nice enuff on the 13th.. he would even drive me to the ritz carlton!! and maybe go clubbing together on the 13th too! hehehe..

2004-04-17T14:20:00.000+08:00

went to the esplanade on thursday night for my job briefing as a part-time usher. training begins in may and ends in june. which only means that i start work only in july, and would only get paid at the end of july. pay that is good, work hours that only begin at 6pm. wat more can i ask for? =) and after my briefing and registration for my traning, i met up with axxx and jon. since jon is working at the esplanade too and axxx was looking for company and works at shenton way. so she came to meet me at the esplanade. was nice meeting an old friend.

anyways, i didnt mention that jon and i are like going thru this 'no-fights, no-arguments, no talk abt relationship' week. it started on wed and ends next monday or whenever his off day is. then on his off day we would go seek a mediator to solve our issues. cos we just cant have the two of us sit down and settle them, we'd just end up fighting. even worse than wat we began with. then after the mediation, it is either we stay together or we go separate ways. but we dont know the outcome now, only after the mediation. the mediation would be done by venessa, his distant cousin and my good friend. venessa is impartial and she knows everything that is going on btwn us. best thing abt getting her to mediate is that she really doesnt take sides.

but tat is not all. we already broke the 'no-fights, no-arguments, no talk abt relationship' thingy. we just argued last nite. i was pissed off cos he told me that on his off day, he might only be able to meet me in the evening. cos he has to attend the foodasia fest thingy. im fine with him going for the foodasia thingy, but i can almost be sure that he wouldnt be meeting me in the evening. dont ask me why. he is just like that. so how r we going to have that mediation thingy? i know that he would end up telling me that he's going to meet his friends after the foodasia thingy, or that he would be hanging out with his colleagues after that. or even better, he'd tell me that it is his off day and he can do anything with it. and that he is tired and he would go home and sleep.

how can i not be pissed off? his words r like super unreliable. day one say this, day two say another.

2004-04-17T13:23:00.000+08:00

Dreams

Just woke up not too long ago. had a few wonderful dreams. jon was not in any of them. i dont know wat does that mean but it could be cos i had an argument with him before i slept. but the dreams.. it was rare and i really didnt feel like waking up.

i dont know if i should tell it to all and put it here.. for im afraid that the person i dreamt abt might find out and may get uncomfortable with it.

The dreams were abt love and friendships. the second dream i had had my friends in it. funny abt the second dream was that it was a dream abt old friends, not new. they were friends from secondary school. i dont know wat it means. it seemed like it was a secondary school friends' chalet gathering. where everyone has achieved something in life or something like that, and we meet up after many many years and i had a car, i drove and so did my friends. the weird thing abt it is that i never wanted to be in touch with alot of them. but in that dream, i actually enjoyed myself with them. to be honest, i just knew that they were friends, i couldnt really see their faces clearly.

the other dream abt friends was actually abt my present state relationship with my classmates from the OTHER cohort. it wasnt a pleasant one. in the dream, we were fighting. well, everyone was fighting against me. similar to wat it is at the moment with them. but i do tell myself, it is the last project now, just get it over and done with. and i'd be done with them.

when it comes to the dreams abt love. it was love that was unconditional, selfless and giving. the guy i loved so much in the dream, had been involved with this other girl previously and some misunderstandings happened and he just moved on... i was together with him and he gave me his all in the relationship. everything was alright till the girl came along, he didnt really care in the beginning but when the girl said something like, "we missed out on something beautiful as obstacles came our way and clouded our senses... misunderstandings happened as our feelings took on a beating.. i want to try again, and i know u want to as well.. " after she said that to him, he began to ponder and became confused, his feelings a mess.
i saw that and i felt sad. sad not because i was afraid to lose him but sad because he was sad too. i wanted him to be happy. so i told him, "go to her. see wat else she has to say. if u wish to pursue that beauty btwn the both of u, i will respect ur decision. if we're meant to be, we would be together. if not, ur place is not with me but with her. i love you and i want u to be happy." he loved me, but he also wanted find out the unknown. he couldnt fight the immense certainty that has been growing in him. so he expressed his feelings for me, thanked me for being understanding and went off to seek the truth.

in reality, i dont think i would be able to be that selfless or giving that i would give someone i loved so much to someone else. but also in reality, i wouldnt want to be with someone if he didnt feel the same way anymore. in the dream, he was perfect. he was gorgeous, charming and awfully oozing with appeal. in reality, so is he. in the dream, we shared kisses. they seemed so real. it was soft, sweet and so much more. in reality, im not with him, i prolly never will. i'll always be the wonderful listener, the one always there for him. there'll always be a part of me who will love him secretly, but never more than how much i love jon.

funny how after those kisses in the dream, i thought about jon. i remembered the kissed we shared. and how it was so different as jon's lips were fuller and so kissable. i never wanted to stop kissing jon. it is like an addiction.

am i cheating on jon in my dreams? in my dreams i wasnt with him. but is this infidelity?

2004-04-15T00:57:00.000+08:00

URGH

SO IRRITATED! been trying to change the font color of my BlogPost Heading but nothing i do seems to be able to change it. so im giving up for now.

anyways, back to my post. yes i know i havent been posting in more than half a year. everyone's been asking me why i havent been posting. well not everyone, just winnie. hee. =P one of the reasons is that i honestly couldnt be bothered with it anymore. lol. another is that ive been pretty occupied with schoolwork and all.

just a quick update. its coming to the end of my second semester in year one and it's been a really hectic semester. lots of things happening all the time. so many things to do all the time and so little time. loads of my old friends from my former course are all graduating this semester. kinda envious of them. but at the same time, i was reminded by an old friend that... at least im doing something i like. thats true in a way but then again... -sigh- i dont know. im freaked abt the next semester. im not really looking forward to it. been told that it is going to be alot worse than year 1. and to be honest, year 1 is quite bad already. loadsa projects, consecutive deadlines, projects crammed one after the other. its pretty suffocating actually. but the good thing is that ive been working pretty hard too. i can almost say that an A is guaranteed for one of my modules. =D

and to those who are thinking of asking me... abt my lovelife.. hurhurhur. yeah im still with jonathan. its almost been 14months since we first began. but all this while i havent been posting.. well.. its been a rollercoaster ride. we fight alot more now. i know its bad. he said i changed, but i havent. the only aspect that ive changed is my attitude towards school and my work. im now more motivated to do stuff and ive been putting in effort. but if it comes to my feelings towards him, it has never changed. it has only grown stronger. i still love him as much as i did 14 months ago.

-sigh- it really hasnt been a smooth ride. been having so much problems. though lots of things changed. like his career... he is now working at al dente at the esplanade. he's been working there for about 3 months, as a cook. but it looks like he is getting a promotion real soon. he's gonna get promoted to sous chef and transferred to a new branch near his present workplace. that would mean a pay increase. im happy for him but somehow, i sense that the redlight is blinking in our relationship. i love him alot but it really seems impossible to be with him. i'll go into detail abt wat's been going on soon in later posts.

but in the meantime, i really need to go to bed. im dead sleepy. can barely keep my eyes open. goodnight y'all, and welcome back to my world! =)

2004-04-14T23:52:00.000+08:00

Hey all! I know it's been a really long while since i last posted. Really sorry. well, decided to give the site a new look. gonna try to do more... in the mean time. i'll try to post wat's been going on all this while yeah? :)

2003-10-29T03:33:00.000+08:00

*cough*
Urgh. been pretty ill the past week. having on-off high fevers, flu and throat infection. been to the doctor's twice and have been on medication. so my days have been pretty much weak, tired, sleepy, stoned, drowsy, sick, light-headed and zombie-like.
just got home today actually. all this while ive been at jon's. i gave him quite a scare actually.. cos i was burning up like a torch. i almost hit 40 degrees.. spent quite a bit at the doctor's too.

2003-10-19T00:17:00.000+08:00

Bad Day or Horrible Day?
hmmm.. i think it has been more of a bad day than a horrible day. not to that extent yet i guess.

woke up really early today for work at starbucks. my shift was from 6:45am-12pm. then i had to give tuition to Claudia at 1:30pm. Tuition ended at around 3:15 or so. Not too bad. just really tired. exhausted more or less. been giving tuition and working at starbucks these days. still undergoing training. my espresso bar certification test is on the 29th. oh yeah, my final speech presentation is on tuesday and my partner is Hanizah. our topic is chocolate. everyone in class seems to be expecting a good speech from me. my last speech was on wine and i did a demo. my lecturer loved it cos she loves wine. heh. not that i knew that she loved wine. just a coincidence.

well.. back to wat i was saying, abt my day. argued with jon earlier. so i guess that explains why im home tonight. home is like a refuge nowadays. when something goes wrong with jon and i, i'll run back home and seek solitude.

sometimes, i really think that i have a fucking thoughtless inconsiderate arsehole of a bf. fucking cb u know. was thinking tat since he'd been working so hard the past week, so i would go rent some movies and we'd watch together...
so fine lah, i rented 2 fast 2 furious, lord of the rings-fellowship of the ring and the two towers, and ju-on. so we watched lotr one and two together. watched two just now and i told him i was tired and i wanted to go sleep first and watch it another time.. he said he'd watch it without me. he watched it before already but i havent.
i even rented ju-on whn i hate horror movies and i told him i'd watch it with him in the day. just now i left his house and took the vcds with me.. he can still ask me to leave it cos he wants to watch it. wah lao eh... movie or me more impt?
then just now he said he's gonna go play pool with his colleagues later.. and considering the fact that i tot he'd be working at 5:30am tmrw cos he didnt tell me otherwise, i bitched abt him going out late and not being able to get enuff sleep.
then he can still snap at me and say that he is sick and tired of me bitching abt his work. please lah.. im not bitching abt his work. if he was working at 5:30am. he'd have to wake up at 4am. and thing is.. later THEN he told me he is working at 7am.
if i knew earlier.. would i have bitched? NO.

i told him that he didnt tell me earlier.. then he said would it matter? of course it would have. he said that it would not cos he still gets home around the same time after work. he just doesnt get it. i dont really give a damn if he comes home late or wat but whether he gets there in time.

one morning, i even woke up when i didnt have to.. woke him up for work, made him a cuppa milo and spread butter on two slices of bread for him. who would fucking do that for him?

im a fucking wuss i tell u. so fucking bloody soft hearted. maybe thats why he always takes advantage of that point of mine and takes me for granted.

urgh. enough of him. dont want to talk abt the shitty things that happened today. anyways, i just put up some poems which i wrote recently. do go there and take a look or read through it. u'd know how i feel all this while.

remember i mentioned in my previous entry that i wrote something for jon? i dont know wat to call it, cos i dont think it is a poem... the 'letter' is called 'Our Love, Our Life.' i'll put it here...

Our Love Our Life

My life revolves around you. Our love, our life as two became one. I have no doubt that I love you. Never have I felt this way for someone. You may say that you're someone difficult to be with but look, we've come so far in this relationship. Even further than I've expected. You've been my support, my shelter and my love.

As time goes by, my feelings only become stronger, not weaker. There were times where I couldn't breathe cos I was overwhelmed but I came through because of my love for you.

I want to mature and grow old with you. I want your children in me as they symbolize our love for one another. As I would look into our children's eyes, it would be filled with love and passion. Everything which I see when I look into your eyes.

Life would never be the same without you and I'm glad you've become part of me.

I hope that in life I'll be with you and in death I'll be there with you. Nothing can replace or take away my love for you. Not even death or illness.

I love it when our lips lock and our eyes meet, it feels like I've seen and tasted paradise and would never be sick of tasting you.

The way your fingers run through my hair, how you'd kiss my hair and love me with your fingers. My skin just grows hot with each loving touch as though I was put on fire.

My heart, mind, body and soul yearns for your presence every single moment. My body aches for you to be near.

I've given you my heart, please take good care of it just as I care for yours. PLease never stop loving me, I can never bear to think there a day without your love.

-End-

im dead tired.. im gonna go to bed already, can barely keep my eyes open. ok, im going to stop here for now. blog soon. take care you all. bye!

-hug-

2003-10-11T01:47:00.000+08:00

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!
i must warn. this is a very lengthy blog, read it only if ur interested and that u have the time. im not responsible for any adverse effects of reading my blog.

im quite happy these days. just a few days ago was jon and i's 7 month anniversary. we didnt celebrate. actually, it totally slipped my mind till the next day then i realised. heh. my bad.

anyways, just on the 9th, i received my long awaited surprise from jon. i tot it would be him cooking me a meal or just something special he'd do for me when we're both alone. but never did i really expect a real gift. he gave me a ring!!!! it was a gorgeous ring. simple in design.. this 925 silver band ring with a black line all around the middle of the band. though it wasnt like tifanny's or cartier... or even if it was just from a normal shop and didnt cost much, i didnt really care. it was my first real present from jon, something that i can put on me(other than the shark's tooth he gave me that is constantly around my neck), that would symbolize that im his.
at first he came to pick me up from my Starbucks training at Liat Towers. then we went to Burger King at Liat to have dinner. i was broke and so was he but whether the meal was paid in coins it is still money. only then did i realise that he was really broke.. then while we were eating.. he told me that my surprise was on him.. and that i had to find it. i didnt really expect a real gift from him cos he was so broke.. tot that he might have just worn his sexy jockey briefs again to surprise me and fill the night with many hours of TLC. i feel really bad abt this.. but i actually did maybe have an idea that he was getting me a ring, cos earlier that day, i did ask if it was a ring and his expression kinda gave him away. oops. and the most ant-climax thing i did to jon.. even worse than spoiling the surprise.. was to find my surprise on him without much finding. all i had to do was ask him to move nearer to me and i took his necklace(a chain with two shark teeth) and found my surprise chained to it too. everything just took me less than 2 min after he asked me to find it on him. jon was so shocked and even more surprised than i should have been. he swore "cheebai!!" and was so surprised that i found it so fast.

oh god, i feel so bad... come to think of it now. but i still love him to bits to know that he got me a ring even when he is broke. knowing that he was broke, i was worried that he might have spent a bomb on it. so i asked him when he got it.. he said sometime back.. he met his mom in town.. he chose it and he placed a reservation on it. i asked him how he knew my size and he said that he's been holding my hand for seven months already that if he doesnt know my size and how nice my hand fits in his.. that he must be really dumb. so now it makes me seem like the dumb one cos i really dont know his size. he is really sweet, but only when he wants to be.

he said that he wanted to get me a ring on our 6th month anniversary but then he really didnt have any money.. but now that he's got a stable job.. he has some money and he decided to get me a ring to make up for the 6th month. he even said that this is just a temporary ring. that when the time comes, he'd get me a real ring.. rings that come in a pair. one for him and one for me. the whole of yesterday... he made me a really happy woman.

thought the past weeks weeks havent been a fantastic time for us and there really came a point that i thought that maybe it would be a good thing if i left him.. so that he could concentrate on his career and not have to worry for his gf. i really thought that he would be better off cos he isnt really that fantastic at juggling work and gf. as halim would know wat went on then... dont really want to go much into it cos it was an unhappy time.

anyways, it was jon's off day on thursday and he told me he was going out on wed. he heeded my advice abt clubbing the day before his off day so that he didnt have to wake up early.. he could just sleep the whole day. he said he might be going to chinablack to party. and i tot to myself... i havent been clubbing in a while and ive been really itching to go out and have fun, so i called cammie and asked if she wanted to go clubbing, she then said that she might be going out with venessa(jon's cousin), so i called venessa and asked if she wanted to go clubbing. we ended deciding to go for ChinaJump at chjimes. one, i havent been there. two, it was ladies night. with that two in combination, i just couldnt refuse. cammie didnt want to go, so i went with venessa and called along a classmate, my buddy hanizah.

when i told jon that i was heading out, i didnt tell him that i was gonna go clubbing at chinajump at first or that i was going with venessa. jon always like to come up with last min decisions of going clubbing though he had work the next day and i really didnt like it. so i wanted to make him know how i feel when he does that to me. he got pissed off and kept thinking that i was trying to get back at him. but i did tell him before that im not the type.. if i was, i would have gone down to wu bar by myself and dressed to seduce and would have brought a sailor back to fuck him. but im not that kinda girl.. like his ex gfs. i believe that wat goes around comes around. i dont want him cheating on me. so i wont do that to him.

after that, he was behaving like a total prick, kept asking where i was going and who i was going with and wat time i would be home and stuff. i told him i was going to chinajump but didnt tell him tat i was going with venessa. i didnt know that chinajump were one of the places he didnt like me to go to.. other than chinajump, there was next page, cheeky monkeys, wu bar and hendrix. he doesnt like the places and the people who patronise there. but i think tat he should at least trust me and my own judgement. i went home first after school, then decided tat i wanted to go clubbing and went back to his place to get some of my stuff and headed to venessa's house to get ready. i ended up leaving his house angry and pissed off and so was he.

but after awhile, i realised how dumb it was and called him.. i told him to go to my bag, take out the foolscap pad in it and flip to a page in particular. cos on monday, i had written a letter/insert/poem to him.. called "Our Love, Our Life". if i have a chance, i'll put it up on writings on the wall.. so look out for it.

he called me after reading it and he said he loved it alot. he was overwhelmed and he was speechless. that night itself we made up. i asked him to join me at chinajump and he realised that i was with venessa and that there was nothing to worry abt at all cos venessa would take good care of me. that night he whispered words to me and told me how much he loves me. he said that he's dad had talked to him abt us and scolded him for treating me like crap when i take such good care of him. wat i wrote and wat his dad said made him think alot while he was at chinablack. he thought abt us and me. abt how he is old enough to make his own decisions and decide wat's best for himself. he had told me that he wants to be with me for the longest time in the world, but the only problem is whether i'd let him. i really didnt know wat else i could say to him but tell him how much he meant to me and how much i love him. he really means the world to me.

even though he says that he doesnt like to club with his gf and would never bring me clubbing to zouk with him cos it is his old hangout and that he never brought his ex-gfs. and his excuse is that i dont like the music at zouk. i find it really dumb and ridiculous cos i have been to zouk and i find it and its music alrite. but i guess i have to understand that he prolly just wants his space and that we cant always be together.

btw, chinajump was great, it was really packed but it was fun. i had abt 10 drinks and was having loads of fun dancing and getting to euphoria. the part which i loved the most was when jon arrived and we partied and had fun together. i proved to him that it can be fun clubbing with his gf too.

Starbucks
as i mentioned earlier. starbucks. i just joined starbucks not too long ago. i applied at the toa payoh branch and ended up being hired at concourse beach road. anyways, there were 6 training classes. yesterday was my last, as in the 10th. and tmrw im having my in-store training from 12pm-5pm. and on sunday from 8am-1pm. kinda excited to start work cos its fun making drinks. but before i start work, i have to go get my typhoid jab either at the polyclinic or at the liat towers clinic for 17 bucks. need to ask mom for that money man.

School
School's been good. school's been bad. bad thing is that i have to repeat a module. good thing is that ive quit wu bar and i have my allowance and my transport expenses back. this weekend would be a busy weekend. have to study my phonetics for my quiz on monday. and have to come up with the powerpoint for media in society presentation. and submit the projects due on tuesday. two presentations on tuesday. graphic communication and media in society. busy busy busy. media in society exam on the 31st of Oct. halloween.

2003-09-25T15:17:00.000+08:00

FUCk
i forgot to post and publish my last blog. just closed the window. i really cant remember wat i actually put. maybe a lil bit. prolly the bit on how fucking depressed and upset i was. cos i realised that ever since i got together with jon, i dont laugh as much as i did before. that i miss my friends, that i feel left out and that i havent really been able to do my own stuff and not be with jon that much.
but all of that is over. not that it is completely over but i managed to sort things out in myself and have made it a point to come home more often so that i have more time for me and myself. as well as my friends.

2003-09-16T01:40:00.000+08:00

Oh yeah, he is down with a bad flu these days. just yesterday i went over to his house after school and i cooked chicken porridge for him. he hates porridge but i made him eat. jon is really fussy abt his food. hates ginger. luckily my porridge was tasty. heh.
after that i went to the doctor with him and his mom.. came back and had dinner, dinner which his mom cooked. it was delicious.
forgot to mention too. the time i shared the kitchen with his mom. auntie and i spent a really nice time sharing tips and chatting while cooking. she's really a nice lady.
and as much as i wanted to stay over i had to come home cos i ran out of clothes there. i have school later at 8am and i dont have clothes that i could go to school in... so i had no choice but to come home.
oh well.. i will head to his place again tmrw after school to check on him. till then i think i better head to bed now. only a couple of hours to school. laterz. thanks for staying tune and checking for updates. :) leave a msg on a tagboard to say hi. love u all.

2003-09-16T01:35:00.000+08:00

Ola!
i know i know. i havent been blogging in like a week. dont blame me lah. but dont blame jon also. not his fault. anyways, im back here to blog already right? so dont complain la. :P
a sequel to my last entry. know wat? my mom didnt give me shit. on the contrary, she's been really nice to me. scary aint it? yeah it was at the beginning but i guess she's just hoping that if the hard approach didnt work, prolly the soft one should. well i guess it does work.
jon's work at regent seems smooth, been a week and he is already been put in charge of the pastry dept. impressive aint it? alot of things are being discussed. seems that jon wants to transfer overseas to some four seasons hotel in like hawaii maui. wat i told him was tat if he intended to make that transfer within this two and a half years, im not going with him and it would also mark the end of our relationship. cos im not going to agree with having a long distance relationship. i know its tough and it hardly ever works out. so thats wat i said, "if u're going in this two and a half years, im not going with u. im not going to be in a long distance relationship. and neither would i want to be in the way of ur career. i'd love to see u succeed in life and not miss the opportunity but im sorry. i just cant be that understanding as to put my own interests at risk, and risk both of us getting hurt." i mean i would love to marry this guy and join him wherever his career takes him but just not in these two and a half years. not when i have to finish my course of study.
i really do love jon alot. he means everything to me and i really cant imagine my life without him.
last saturday was rory's and skinny ryan's birthday party at east coast costa sands. was pretty alrite i guess. somehow i dont know why, i saw myself straying away from the crowd and seeking solace at the playground nearby. jon was enjoying himself and talking to the peeps who were there, i didnt want to take his fun away from him so i just slipped away. in the end, he noticed my disappearance and looked high and low for me.. in the end, he did find me. we spent time there alone at the playground, he kept trying to get me into going back to the party but i just didnt want to. but after much nudging and tugging, i relented and went back to join the others.
during the party, i caught up with many old friends. esp vanessa. havent caught up with her in ages. but that night was a bad night for her. she didnt have it easy being caught btwn her two friends. i dont want to go into it cos it is not my issue and im in no position to divulge anything.
in that night alone, jon said alot of things to me. and i said alot of things to him. he spilled alot of heart to heart things to one another. from then did i realise how much he loved me. never thought or imagined how someone could actually love me as much as jon loves me. his biggest fear is to lose me. and i told him that no one, nothing could ever take me away from him. only death could take me away from him. and he replied and said to me, "even death cant take u away from me. i wont let him. cos do u think i'd want to live if u died? i would want to die too if u died."
i have never heard anyone say such things to me and vouch his love for me with death, he even said that he would slash his hand there and then to prove the truth in his words.
i didnt know how to respond to him, for all i know in my heart is that there is no one, NO ONE, in this world i would love more than Jonathan. all the while we talked, we were looking into one another's eyes and our hands were locked together.
sounds so much like a fairy tale doesnt it? but and happy to say that its not and it happened to me. i feel like the luckiest person in the world. even though in our relationship that i didnt feel lucky at all, i can still say that my heart has been stolen. stolen by a triad gangster.

2003-09-08T02:30:00.000+08:00

Peek-a-boo!
Guess who? duh. who else la. the owner of this blog la. lame ol' me. came home at abt 11ish to 12am. jon sent me home. we went to town to buy some knives and shoot some pool as well. yesterday marked our 6th month of being together. how time flies.
actually, i didnt want to come home at all. know that im so gonna get shit from mom for the debts to starhub. still owe them like 300 plus for my previous line. breached the contract and thus the penalty to pay off now. mom is gonna kill me cos the debt collector actually came to the house and asked for the debt. im kinda like paying it off slowly. but as much as school allows, i can only work like "this" much. and mom has cut me off financially already. so i have to take care of my transport and food myself. i really need a new job, not wu bar. i cant take the working hours. im gonna call MTV tmrw and ask a favour of Shan and see if there are any part-time jobs available for me to earn a quick buck or something.
believe it or not, but ive actually considered being a social escort ok? yes, that extreme. ive asked jon abt it and of course it was a huge no. i have to come up with 150 by the end of this week or else im dead. literally.
anyways, jon is starting his new job at regent hotel today. he would be working shifts and he would be busy busy busy. makes me wonder how this relationship is gonna go... but that is not wat's important now. wat's important is my financial woes and how i would have to go abt solving them.
i noticed.. this year was mostly filled with financial problems and nothing else. it even weighs out my relationship with jon. though it was the best thing that happened this year. god, i really need to do something abt it.
at the same time, i have my graphic comm project that is due next monday and i dont have the money to buy the mounting board man. and the bloody software which i bought, though it is pirated or in another words, street legal, it doesnt work, guess i would have to bring it back to the stall to change it or something. plus the keys which i duplicated, jon's house keys, one of them doesnt work. urgh. everything seems to be going wrong now. i hope there ar still some things which would still go right.
i think i better go to bed already. doesnt help worrying. besides, i still have school today. nites everybody

2003-08-23T23:37:00.000+08:00

Back After So Long
Hello y'all! I know i know, i havent been posting in way too long and i do know of some folks that they miss me. but i dont really have much time, so i'll try to type as much stuff as possible.
been really busy with schoolwork and all the projects that have been assigned to everyone. prolly in all i have 4 projects. graphic comm, location video, media in society and speech communication. but i just completed the speech communication one. i think i'd better start on the graphic communication one soon.. it's due on the 15th and i have to go buy the mounting boards and stuff.
as all u guys would be able to guess as well, i've been staying at jon's house. his cousins went back and holland already, so the norm of staying at his house starts again. heh.
my location video project for now, it is not yet the major project, i dont think so.. or maybe it is, im not too sure. im the director and i have to come up with the storyboards of how the shots should be done for the scenes. u know, i kinda think tat im really good at directing as wel as the editing part of the film. my lecturer thought that the scenes and shots were edited really nicely and that no major mistakes could be seen. hehe. BUT film production is not wat i'd like to major in though.
oh yeah, my godma is in singapore already, gonna meet up with her with jon and my siblings tmrw for dinner or something like that.
and now im like thinking if i should stay home or go over to jon's. i better make up my mind soon. i guess i wont be going over to jon's tonight.. kinda dead broke. oh well.........
i dont know wat else to put in here anymore. cept that its coming to 6 months with jon and im still happy. *happy sigh* cant remember clearly wat happened in the time tat i havent been posting. i shall go ponder abt it then come back and post. for now, i'll just go to bed. nights y'all. it was good to be back

2003-07-29T00:36:00.000+08:00

Depressed and despairing
oh god, i cant take it anymore. feel like im just gonna break down any moment. dont know why but i feel really depressed. maybe i feel that way after mom said that she cant give me allowance cos her financial burden is really heavy. i dont really blame her. dad isnt helping out in the family and mom is paying most of the stuff at home.

honestly, i can hardly find time these days to work after school. but i do have to work, if i dont work, i wont get allowance. no money means no food. and no money means i'll be dead very soon. maybe things dont seem that bad now but im really feeling the pressure. i want to do well in school, very much so. i want to be able to concentrate and focus all my time and effort into school rite now but i cant. i really NEED to work to get money to survive. where would my lecture notes come from if i dont have money. where would money for my video productions come from if i dont have money? talked to halim abt it and he's been really supportive and encouraging. asking me not to give up.

im crying at this very moment. im feeling a sense of loss. for the first time ever since i got back into school that im feeling this way. i dont know wat to do or wat i can do. feeling this way makes me wonder if it was really a good idea to come back to school to pursue my dreams. no one told me that dreams cost money. that it would be expensive. that if one didnt have money, dreams r nothing but dreams. if i didnt come back to school, i would be working full-time. yes the pay wouldnt be alot due to my qualifications but at least it would be something to get me by. now i find it very hard to get by.

i know i should stop thinking that way cos it is really negative and half the battle is lost if i dont even have the confidence. jon would be really upset if he found out that ive been like this. he'd want to help but he cant. he cant even help himself at this moment. i dont want him to know. it wouldnt make a difference anyways. have been hiding this growing problem from him..

been a long time since i've felt depressed. i hate being like this. i've always been strong, or maybe acted strong. steph isnt a strong girl as she appears. she's weak and she still needs help from others once in a while.

2003-07-22T23:39:00.000+08:00

Urgh...
my heading very much explains how im feeling now i guess. ok i guess i failed terribly to upload spongebob's pic. oh yeah. too bad i guess. ppl who want to know wat spongebob is like, can either tune in to channel 32 on nickelodeon, on starhub cabletv. other than that, the other alternative is to go to http://www.nick.com/all_nick/tv_supersites/display_show.jhtml?show_id=spo

but i do have to warn u, once u start watching spongebob, u might just get addicted to it like i did. wah lao eh. just got informed today that i have like 4 projects man. fuck fuck fuck fuck. one fuck for each project. hmm good idea. lol.

oh yeah, jon's cousins, nieces and nephews came down from holland already. they arrived yesterday, still havent met them. kinda got this fear of meeting them or something. though i have already met his mom, dad, sis and brother-in-law, as well as ben, his cousin from australia. but this time around, im not so sure anymore. keep having the feeling that they would eat me up or something, or even something worse like disapproving me and jon being together. *gasp* i think im thinking too much. maybe i should stop being paranoid for awhile.

was supposed to go out for dinner at chomp chomp with jon and his relatives but it was getting really late and i have PE at 8am tmrw. so i said another time... jon wanted me to go, cos he said that his cousin Rita wants to meet me, his gf. then i was really surprised cos how did she know abt me? then jon said dunno. prolly his sister or his parents told her abt me. but the thing is.... she just got here yesterday! now i really have to meet her already. urgh. im freaking out again.

his relatives would be in singapore for a month or so. they're staying at his house, so i guess that means i wont be able to stay over at all till his relatives go back to holland. and as jon would say, "that would mean no sex for a month." and while he said that, he was showing his incredibly sad puppy eyes face. i smiled and said to him, one month ok wat. wont kill u wat. =P oh yeah. just discovered this new type of rubber to use when jon and i... u know u know.... *hint* we used to use 'fetherlite', but now changed to this new one called 'close fit'. its much tighter and gives more pleasure. =P~~~~ hehehe. ok, i think all these talk should stop cos now my blog is fed to a larger audience. an audience who r younger and not that mentally corrupted(sexually driven maniac. lol). sorry nooch, sorry winnie, sorry whoever reading this under 18 or havent done the birds and the bees. lalallalalala~~~~~~

ok, im tired already, im gonna stop here. heading to bed, and maybe, if im lucky, dream of jon. god, i miss him. very very much. maybe if im lucky, i might get to see him tmrw too. his on mc today and tmrw. he finally went to a dentist. hoorah! he's gonna have to extract his wisdom tooth and fill 6 of his teeth. shocking rite? 6 rotten teeth, u know why? cos he is a freaking coke addict thats why. so now children, this tells u the moral of the story. coke is bad for ur teeth, it eats away ur teeth and it would just rot away even before ur old. heh. so dont drink coke! =P

nites y'all. -outz-

2003-07-21T15:51:00.000+08:00

Monday Blues
firstly i must say, the speech which i delivered on friday was not directed at vicky watsoever, pls do not misunderstand. im not that immature. hey nooch! =) yep, im saying hi to my classmate, gave him my bloggie addy. hope u have a nice time reading my pathetic lifestory. lol.

ok, i didnt go to school today, shhhhhhh.... no one knows ok? my mom would kill me if she finds out. anyways, yeah i didnt go to school. why? cos i overslept. i only came home at 3:53am. and only slept at 4:10am. had to wake up at 8:30am but i actually went back to sleep. bad me. bad bad me. missed 5 lectures in total man. gonna have to be extra hard working this week i guess. thursday i'd still have to go back to school to finish my filming assignment which is due on friday. cam and rob r going to be my extras. lol. and i missed going out with rob on sat cos i couldnt reach him.

oh yeah! i met spongebob squarepants in person! lol. jon came along too though he was like really tired. to think that he'd sacrifice sleeptime for spongebob. and he said to me, "u know ur the only woman in my life, but there's also one man in my life, and that is spongebob." i was like laughing my pants off when he said that man. anyways, just in case u dont know wat or who is spongebob. im gonna try to attempt to upload the pic of him.

2003-07-18T02:48:00.000+08:00

Weekend!
ahhhhhh... friday already?! goodness, time really flies man. woke up in a really bad shape man. body aching, everywhere hurting and even a small movement would hurt terribly. wondering why? thast cos on wednesday morning, i woke up at 6:30am, got to school at 8am and had PE. did two hours of netball and boy was it tiring! i think it's cos i havent excercised in a damn long time and now that i am, my body and muscles cant take the strain. then after netball i had two hours of class till noon.. and school was done for me.

headed off to jon's, fella was still sleeping when i got there(but why am i and u who is reading this not surprised?). attempted to wake him up cos he said the day b4 that he wanted to wake up early to go for an interview. anyways, my attempt failed miserably so i gave up. dont wanna try so hard cos in the end when i fail, he'd get grumpy and upset when he finally wakes up, and i too would be upset.

heh. i also felt tired and went to bed, but i woke up two hours later and went down to hendrix with jon. (i hope i did mention that jon is working at hendrix for now... once he gets a better job, he'd leave) then after that went to wu bar to work. was darn tired by the time work ended. went back with jon after that and we spent 'time' together. =P

only woke up at 4:30pm. bad me. was supposed to meet casey rite? but i totally forgot all about it. horrible me la. nvm, have to make it up to him another time. im working today.. or tonight, wateva u call it. school's at 8am-11am, then from 4pm-6pm. i wonder wtf im gonna do with 5 hours in btwn. then after that i guess i have work in the evening.

btw, im trying to get another job. once i do, im outta wu bar, hate that place so much already. dammit, i have a speech tmrw and i havent prepared. thank god it is a non-assessed one. would prolly have to get it ready during my break or something. was wondering wat topic i should talk abt.. an activity which im currently doing now in my freetime, or an activity which i wanna do...

asked my friends abt it and they said i should talk abt sex. i was like ??!??!!?. no way am i going to talka bt sex in class as an activity i love to do now. i mean, it is the truth but wat would my classmates and lecturer think of me? too much explicit content for them man, considering that most of my classmates r like 16-17. have to censor la. cannot tell man. cant imagine their reactions or expressions... dont even wanna go there man.
i'd prolly talk abt clubbing since i know so much abt it.

k... i think i better go to bed already. have to be up by 6:30am. i'll catch up another time, im not sure when though. busy agenda this weekend. laterz

2003-07-14T02:18:00.000+08:00

Week Two of School
School's been pretty good. in fact, i havent really been late for any of my classes, cept for speech comm, when i wasnt informed tat class was brought forward. the modules which im taking this semester are:

my core modules
- location video production
- graphic communication
- media in society
- speech communication

Interdisciplinary modules
- starting a business
- sports and wellness

know wat? i absolutely love my core modules. they r so interesting, hardly ever feel bored in class. but for lectures, u cant really blame me for being bored, i have two lectures in a row in the same lecture hall in the morning, then 2 hours of break, and another 3 hours of lecture in another lecture hall. and all lectures fall on the same day, monday. for sports and wellness, or should i say PE, i picked netball. i wanted tennis but all the places were taken. sad. at least i wasnt forced to take areobics or soccer or basketball. =)

in class everyone is beginning to seem nicer than my first impression of them. there's this girl called vicky, dont really like her, she is like damn "teh~" or another words, whiny, spoilt brat tantrum-like. in class im closer to sharina, hanizah and anita i guess. hanizah i hang around alot cos she seems like the only one i can really click and talk to. other than that, shaun, darryl, nooch, nurul, ai ling, liling and etc seem alrite. there's a st marg's junior in my class. she is two years my junior. ai ling to be precise.

there was no school on thursday, so on wed night i stayed over at jon's house. went home late that day, didnt get to sleep at all, even though i had school at 8am on friday. cos i was helping my eldest sis do some stuff for her students. didnt sleep and went straight to school for class till 11am. then i couldnt take it any longer. my next class was at 4pm, so i took a cab down to jon's place and slept till 3:30pm. at 3:45pm, hanizah called and asked me where i was. i told her i was on my way down to school cos i was gonna take a cab.. she informed me that class was put forward till 3:30pm. i was shocked and i rushed to reach school at 4:20pm. fuck i was late and i was marked absent. shit man. then after school i went down to hendrix cos work was at 8pm. went for dinner with jon, had mcdonalds. went to work and was dead zombie tired, bumped into second sis cos she was meeting her friends at eastside for some drinks. talked to her for abit before her friends came. found out that she likes jon. which is a really good thing. told her that jon would like to go clubbing with her someday...

then finished work at 3am. met jon back at hendrix, took our transport to pasir ris and took a cab down to the airport to send meiyen off at 7am. had breakfast at the airport and strolled around. after all of that, came back to jon's house and slept only at 10 plus till 5 plus.

second sister smsed me and told me tat she was clubbing at centro on saturday night and asked me if i'd wanna go and bring jon along. pretty happy abt it but jon couldnt make it cos he had to work, so replied her, thanked her and apologised. =) looking forward to clubbing with my sis and bf man. =P

i shall skip the rest cos it is nothing too interesting. oh yeah, i forgot to mention in my last blog that last monday was jon and i's 4th month of being together. hasnt been easy but we managed to get thru it.

we had a fight yesterday, sunday.. wasnt a good thing. first time we actually argued in public, hendrix actually. jon lied to me abt something. its quite a long story... *thinks whether i should tell it all here* i think i would but not now. its late and i have to get up at 8:30am. i'd better hit the sack now. nites! *hugs n kisses*

p/s: meeting casey on wednesday at his house for dinner, im cooking beef bolognaise fettucini for him. saturday im meeting robert leland(ex bf) for a few drinks or something. i didnt mention that he is back in singapore already for a holiday, was on the bus on friday and i saw him walking up towards tanglin mall. recognised him instantly cos of his height, glasses and headphones, plus his typical fast walking, armed with an umbrella(it was a rainy day), and he featured pretty long and unkempt hair, like he didnt cut it for a damn long time. =P

2003-07-07T18:43:00.000+08:00

First day of school
hey hey! feeling a little bit chirpy though it was a pretty long day in school. school was not too bad. met up with winnie and jonathan(schoolmate) and kinda caught up with them. just dont really like the 3 hour in a row lectures in the same lecture hall, not only is it tiring but chances of falling asleep is kinda high too. guess wat? last night after i signed off and went to sleep on the sofa, i fell asleep and like around 3am, jon called me on my hp and i was awakened. after that i just couldnt sleep. so i packed my stuff and clothes that i was gonna wear for school in the morn and took a cab down to jon's place.
my mind kept telling me that i was crazy. it was like 4 plus in the morning and i was in a cab down to his house. he was so shocked and was kinda upset that i'd do such a thing, cos he thought i'd be home sleeping. anyways, went there and i still couldnt sleep, so we watched deuce bigalow male gigalo, the vcd. i watched it before already but it was still good. after that i headed to bed, but it was already 6 plus in the morning and i had to wake up at 7:30am.

so in the end i only had a few hours of sleep and i took a cab to school. actually, im feeling really exhausted now. would love to sleep now and wake up tmrw morning but i have to go down to orchard to change my shirt, change it to a smaller size. and i wanna go to hendrix and see jon for awhile..

have class at 8am in the morn tmrw.. i think i'd better go out now and get home asap.. laterz

2003-07-07T02:19:00.000+08:00

The morning before school
*sigh* dont know wat to write about. currently feeling abit upset. tmrw is school. im not upset abt school, im upset abt being apart from jon.
im all excited about school and stuff but the thought abt being really busy and not being able to spend time with jon scares me. i dont want to lose him but my fear of losing him has undoubtly become my insecurity.

quite abit of stuff has been happening in this one week that i wasnt home. alex shaw, a british friend is back in singapore for a holiday, didnt know that till i bumped into him like two days ago in mohamed sultan while working. probably gonna meet up with him and the other girls and have another session of mahjong. lol. he always wins despite mahjong being an asian game.

had a movie and dinner thingy on saturday with meiyen and sharon only, supposedly. it was a sorta like farewell thingy for meiyen cos she's leaving for perth australia to further her studies for like 3-4 years. but was rudely shocked to find out the outing or gathering was not only me, meiyen and sharon. some other secondary schoolmates were asked to come along too. watched charlie's angels full throttle and i must admit, it was good, but not as good as i thought it'd be. had a kinda shallow plot and it emphazised too much on sex appeal than anything else. it made it seem like the movie was all abt being good looking and oozing sex appeal. not that the sex appeal was bad, but it was raunchy. oh yeah! =P
after the movie was dinner at NOOCH the noodle bar. freaking expensive place to eat stuff that should cost like so much lesser elsewhere. had this tsuyiki udon or something. not too bad but expensive and the service sucked. waitresses were like so stuck up and reluctant to serve customers. took some pics with the girls and blah.. im gonna miss meiyen. she's been a good friend and i miss the days we all had in secondary school.

after the whole thing, went to do a little bit of shopping with sharon, i bought three shirts, it cost me like slightly more than 50 bucks for all of them. they were loud shirts that said stuff like "got milk?", "ways to impress a girl" and "devil women". thought i'd get them for school. hehe.

after that i went home and changed and stuff. headed down to hendrix to look for my darling sweetheart jon.. then we both headed home.

oh yeah, had a bad day at work on friday. was highly irritated by this fucking bhai guy. he was with his gf and his other guy and he is and his gf were busy sucking face on the couch like nobody's business. well i couldnt be bothered to serve him so i went to do my own stuff. who knows he came up to me and ask me if there were any discounts on tequila shots and i told him no. he kept telling me tat he was a drinker and tat he drank everyday since 1994 and tat money isnt a problem. worst part was that he kept bargaining on the price of the shots. then i told him, since ur a drinker and u wanna get high, why dont u get a shot of barcardi 151(this really potent rum with 75% alcohol in it)? then he turned and asked me, wat's a barcardi 151? i was like "?!" u call urself a drinker?! u dont even know wat's a barcardi 151! sheesh. but the ultimum came when he bargained the price of the 151 and asked if he could buy half a shot of it. NO club or alcohol selling place sells half a shot of alcohol. not even zouk or centro. he got me so fed up that i shouted and said "then dont drink!" then he walked off. afterwards he tapped on my shoulder and told me that he ordered a shot of barcardi 151 and he ordered me to serve him. then, i was already so incredibly pissed off that i wanted to take my pen and stab him a million times till he dies a slow and painful death. so i went to tell lyn(colleague of mine) that i would serve him. also told her that i was flame the drink and burn a fucking hole in his throat. she was so worried.. but im not that dumb to get myself into trouble, so i asked him, do u want to burn it? it'd taste better. hahahahah.. he actually bought it and i flamed the drink. in the end, i saw his face contort in pain and looked as though as he was going to throw up, i knew i had acquired a small personal victory. lol. did i mention that he shared the shot with his friend and so each of them just took half a shot instead of one.

fuck la. just realised its really late and i have to be in school by 9:30am... better head to bed man. i'll continue my story in the afternoon or something after i get back from school.

i miss jon. for the millionth time, yes i miss him, pretty badly. *sigh* good nite.

2003-06-29T05:23:00.000+08:00

currently waiting for jon to come over to my place to pick me up. btu wat im worried is that he went off thinking that i was asleep when i was in the shower. didnt get any calls cept at 3:30am. its already 5. why do i have the strange feeling that he's actually home? *sigh* i hope not. i hope that if he is at home, he'd at least call to let me know that he is home, despite how late it already is now.

-pause-

he is finally here. was a little worried at first, found out that raj had kept the staff back late for a meeting. raj would call it a briefing but there is nothing brief abt it, so i call it a meeting.

i gotta go over to jon's place now. kinda late already. it's his off day tmrw and he wants to watch HULK the movie. so i guess we'd be watching it. alrite. would be back in a couple of days i think, but dont bet on it. im off now. till next time! tata!

2003-06-29T05:11:00.000+08:00

spongebob squarepants! god.. i've been so addicted to that cartoon man. its a silly cartoon but its really enjoyable. its about this yellow color sponge called spongebob squarepants cos squarepants r the only stuff he wears. he's got two friends, a really stupid pink starfish called patrick and a squid with a big dick like nose called squidward(as in edward) and they all live in bikini bottom, an underwater city. should really check out the cartoon. if i knew how to upload pictures, i would have uploaded pics of spongebob and of course jonathan. =P u know, im thinking of buying a spongebob plush toy for jon, cos he totally adores spongebob, need to go to toys'r'us to see if they have it there. if not i'd have to order it from amazon.com and send it over to jon's place. heh. am i nice and sweet to jon or wat? =X ok, enough of self-praise man.
anyways, im starting school in a week's time and my ex-bf robert leland, my first bf.. is coming back from norway for a holiday, i think im gonna meet up with him and catch up. kinda miss him, it's been a while since he went back to norway for university. told jon abt robert's coming back and he seems abit pensive abt it, cos he doesnt trust ang mohs. *shrugs* then suddenly he said that he wanted to meet robert too. weird. dont think i'd ever let my bf meet my ex bfs. bad thing to do. very bad thing.

2003-06-29T04:09:00.000+08:00

home sweet home
home at last. finally can get my hands on the computer and my darling internet. had to come home to download my timetable for school. went for orientation on friday for the sake of getting my timetable but who knows.. after many boring hours with all the introduction and stuff. knowing who my classmates would be and all. they said they wouldnt give us our timetables and that we would have to retrieve it from the website. wasted my time man..
but the most sad part of that whole orientation was finding out that there are absolutely no cute guys in my class and most of the ppl in class r females... and they all look damn geeky and 'guai'(ppl who follow the rules and arent rebels). and i also did a rough scan of all the ppl taking fms(film and media studies) and noticed that there are only a pathetic few good looking guys in the whole school of film and media studies. urgh. not enough eyecandy to go around. as for the rest of them, they all look so geeky! and some of them think fms is all abt the glam and stuff. so they come to school like everyday is a fashion parade. (**recap: for those who didnt know that i got into mass communication studies in ngee ann poly, this note is for u =))

2003-06-11T05:47:00.000+08:00

Tired and sleepy
got quite abit of things to tell. havent been posting so i guess thats a good reason why i got so many things to tell in this post. been at jon's place.. but i have been home for the past two days. no time to come online i guess. been trying to catch up on my sleep. been sick too. working, sick and staying at jon's.

two saturdays ago was raymond's(this goodlooking suave eurasian guy who is my friend. heh) birthday and we(vick, their friends n me) went down thawu to celebrate i guess. was supposed to cook for raymond but i didnt, cos i was broke. that night was quite alrite, jon was working at angel's(this club that replaced indigo-jon's former workplace) but he quit cos he didnt like it there. did i mention before that raymond's good friend vick is a nice guy? they r all nice ppl. love them to bits, lately. they've been the ones i see most, cos they come to my club. anyways, raymond loves me like his sister. kisses me on my forehead, head, hair all. love that kind of attention. that night they opened a 1 litre bottle of JD.. and i was the only girl in the company of 6 other guys.i danced with them as a group and danced with raymond and vick exclusively. but the most exclusive went to vick. *shrugs* dont know why but i think i kinda like him a tiny bit. good looking guys catch my attention. he asked me to dance and i did. we bumped and grinded with one another and i culd feel some attraction and vibes going on btwn us. but to me, it was just a dance. i told jon abt it and he was fine with it.

who knows, come a week after that, i find out that vick likes me. he is really attracted to me. we were smsing one another (i was bored at work and jon was working too), and i asked him wat he thought about me. he said that thoughts dont matter but whenever he was with me, there were vibes of attraction btwn us. i agree man. im damn surprised to find out that a good looking guy like him would like a simple girl like me. shockingly that night, raymond kinda joked and said, "steph, why didnt u meet me earlier?" he was referring to why we didnt get the chance to date one another. but the truth is, i did know him earlier, before i met jon but we didnt get to meet before i met jon. i hope i make sense. anyways, back to the sms thingy. vick asked me wat i thought about him. and i told him honestly. that he is nice, sweet and all. and that if i was single, i would have asked him out. (too bad im not, and im quite happy with how things are with jon. happy but not exactly happy happy, if u know wat i mean)

i dont get it. when im dating someone exclusively, other men come all over me. but when im single and available, no one comes my way. and they r all good looking single men. fuck that shit man.

oh yeah, it is halim's birthday on thursday. im working on thursday so we're all celebrating tmrw. gonna go for the foam party at hendrix tmrw. yay. pretty excited about it actually. heard that alot of ppl r going for it. im excited cos jon is going with me =) meeting halim and cam tmrw, with jon as well. havent seen jon for a day. miss him a little.

well.. things r not really fantastic btwn me and jon. been arguing alot. over small stupid things. i think i must control my anger a little bit more and be more tolerable. just 3 days ago, had a massive fight with jon. i was crying and shit. i think it was last saturday. jon was working and usually, when he takes the company transport home, he'd be home by 4:30am or so. but i waited and waited till like 5 plus in the morn and he wasnt home.. (i was at his place remember? and i was waiting up for him, i always do wait up for him if he is working and im not) didnt get any smses or calls from him saying that he was coming home or had plans watsoever.(he'd usually call or sms saying that he just finished work or something) so when it was like 5, i called him. no answer. i was so worried already then. cos i'd never know if he's gonna like get into a fight with some guys and have to 'settle some problems', his own words. when he didnt pick up my call.. i was so worried that i broke down into tears. after that i smsed him to ask him where he is and it took a damn long while before he replied and said that he was eating with his friends. i got upset and said, then why didnt u pick up my call.. then he replied and said 'drinking la'.. i tell u.. i flew into a rage man. i replied him and said, 'did it occur to u that ur girlfriend is waiting for u at home and that she is worried when she didnt get any calls or smses n u didnt pick up her calls?' though i was in a rage, i was still crying...

when jon got home. i was turned away from him, didnt want to let him know that i was crying and all. but he saw and asked me wat was wrong. then we argued and stuff... *sigh* i dont want to go into the details... can get pretty boring cos its always the same shit.
the next day after we fought, we didnt speak a word to one another.. then i left for work in that evening and said bye to everyone in his family but him...

ok.. i really cannot take it anymore. i'll continue this thingy later in the day. i need to get some sleep. -outz-

2003-05-29T05:46:00.000+08:00

Painful day today
woke up at abt 3 plus in the afternoon, was awakened by joanne's banging on the door. joanne wanted jon to bring stuff to auntie ruby so tat auntie ruby can bring it to uncle joe. uncle joe's been admitted to Changi hospital, scheduled for a small surgery for his right thumb. heard tat they gonna put two screws in his thumb. hopefully he'd be discharged by friday or maybe even today(thursday). it was ann-marie's birthday today, joanne had a special dinner gathering for her at home. she cooked fried sambal chicken, pork ribs tofu preserved veggie soup and this other fried tofu thingy with prawns, onions, garlic and stuff in it. oh yeah, plus steamed brocolli, cauliflower, baby corn and carrots in fish marinate or something like tat. it was nice, i helped her with the preparation work and the washing of the dishes. then also helped jon(who was at the hospital) water the plants along the corridor cos uncle joe instructed him to.. other than cleaning up the fish tank.

i so wanted to stay for the gathering at jon's place but i had to go to work la. promised stephen tat i'd work for him and so i had to turn up. ann, joanne and auntie ruby asked me if i could not go to work.. i wanted not to go but i had to la. so did jon. jon had to work at chinablack today. he didnt feel like going to work either but no choice la. so we both left for work la.

we took a taxi and he dropped me off at far east plaza, from there i took a bus to work.

*sigh* work. dont really want to talk about work. work was busy. not overcrowded but it was alright. had quite a few orders and received quite abit of tips(not going to say how much, heh. secret.) and got hit on by a number of guys. odd how im not pretty and i wasnt dressed up, had my geeky glasses on and still got guys wanna ask for my number. haha. francesca(this dancer who is a customer, nice one at it, pretty too), she said im cute. cute?!

which makes me wonder why so many ppl, say that im cute. ppl like my own fiance, bernard(jon's cousin), francesca, lynn(another dancer), a few customers, my own abusive boss, the aunties n uncles at the kopitiam near work. why?! i dont get it. *note: the definition of their cute is not ugly but adorable. meaning of cute in this case, i've checked it up.
from www.dictionary.com it means:

This----: cute
adj. cut·er, cut·est

1. Delightfully pretty or dainty.
2. Obviously contrived to charm; precious: “ [He] mugs so ferociously he kills the humorit's an insufferably cute performance” (David Ansen).
3. Shrewd; clever.

Or -----: cute

\Cute\ (k[=u]t), a. [An abbrev. of acute.] Clever; sharp; shrewd; ingenious; cunning. [Colloq.]

Or -----: cute

adj 1: attractive especially by means of smallness or prettiness or quaintness; "a cute kid with pigtails"; "a cute little apartment"; "cunning kittens"; "a cunning baby" [syn: cunning] 2: obviously contrived to charm; "an insufferably precious performance"; "a child with intolerably cute mannerisms" [syn: precious]

whatever meaning you choose from its up to u, but its definitely not ugly but adorable. heh.

k, another thing which was pretty unpleasant at work was that i was abused by raj(my boss) again. for the past three days, i've been involved in his violent banter while he was drunk. he twisted my right arm to the back, choked me with his elbow lock, gave me a handshake and crunched my right hand. all of that that i choked, came close to suffocating and passing out. i tried to run away then he pulled my hair to pull me back. when i struggled and whacked him with all my might. it only made him put more pain in wherever he was hurting me. i screamed and begged for help from my colleagues and his guests. but no one helped me. i was in so much of pain that i cried. i didnt do anything wrong. but when he twisted my hand to the back, he asked me to say sorry. i had no choice but to say sorry cos every moment i take not to say sorry, he'd twist my arm harder. a guest tried to interfere, but he told his guest, 'these r my staff, u stay out of it.' worst part is tat he would give me an arm lock and ask other girls, his guests to touch my tehteh(boobs)....

the pain, the humiliation. god, it really makes me think twice about going back there to work. there's a limit to my tolerance. *sigh* my right wrist hurts. i think it is sprained.

i told jon about it. he's not very happy about it. he says that he is gonna talk to raj about it. *shrugs* other than that, nothing else much to tell. im tired. need to run some errands in the day later, need to go to the bank and verify my thumbprint and signature for my debit card, at the same time i have to go down to benetton in taka and collect my top which i bought and sent for alteration like almost a month ago. fuck man. hope its still good for collection. gonna go to bed now. can barely keep my eyes open.

still in abit of pain and shock.
urgh.
nites.

2003-05-26T04:54:00.000+08:00

sum sum sum bum bum bum
its not tat i havent been home to post stuff here but that i really dont have anything interesting to post. ok. first thing i got back home was to check for mail. there were three letters for me. yay! cos i finally got the debit card which i applied for. it works somewhat like a credit card. somewhat. heh. then another is a letter from school. about orientation and stuff. but i doubt i'd be going for it. number one, though im doing year one all over again, but im not a freshie. i was a freshie and i have been there and done tat. fuck it man. got tat compulsory freshie thingy to go for. but i'd most probably skip it somehow or the other. =P

oh yeah.. im kinda still working at thawu. did i mention tat venessa was terminated by stephen without any reason watsoever? or should i say just cos venssa doesnt get along with jaime? anyways, ryda just resigned too. tat bitch should have done tat a long time ago. never knew tat she was a fat two headed backstabbing bitch. but after all tat hoo-ha at thawu when i was on leave for a week.. finally saw everything unveil. angie is also another person who cant be trusted.
i sorta quit like two weeks ago.. but then stephen kinda asked me to think it thru carefully and said tat he needed me. and i sorta went back to thawu. cos one thing is tat i need the cash. pretty badly in fact.
things r pretty okay btwn me and jon. going pretty well i'd say. our relationship is becoming more stable. we dont bicker as much as we did before. maybe cos we try to talk things out more and look from one another's perspective and understand wat's going on, instead of fighting and getting angry at one another. i think im still falling deeper and deeper in love with him. i dont know why. i just love him, everything about him. even his faults, his bad temper, his insensitivity(sometimes), his silli-ness and his attitude problem. lately, jon's been bumming around at home.. going out and stuff, cos he's been retrenched. he still does part-time work for his company but its like a few days in a week kinda thing. he still hasnt paid his debt to m1. roughly about 500 bucks. hahah. my debt is slightly more than his actually. 600 over bucks. tats why i said earlier that i need the money pretty badly. need about 300 bucks before the end of the month. and i only have like 5 days to come up with it. fuck. *makes calculations* doubt i can come up with the full sum.. maybe 250 or so.. who knows..

jon's dad got into an accident. he was knocked down by a car while he was riding on his scooter. he sprained and fractured both his wrists and it is making it hard for uncle joe to move anything with his hands. then just yesterday, it was anne-marie's birthday. i was invited to go for her celebration thingy at Next Page. Jon, Joanne, Puran(jon's brother-in-law) and I went down together, and i was actually planning to go home to change first then meet them there, but joanne said she'd lend me clothes. which she did. i borrowed a denim dress from her and borrowed aunt ruby's heels. i looked pretty nice. =) it was such a nice feeling to be accepted by jon's family and be loved by them. best part is tat joanne has almost become like a sister to me, my own sisters dont even want to lend me clothes. how ironic huh? had fun at the party and went for supper with the whole lot of them. =)
heh, jon just called me.. its already like almost 5 in the morning. i came home from his place at 2:30am. came home cos i didnt have any clean clothes anymore. had to come home to check my mail anyways. mom wants me home anyways. he says he misses me. i kinda miss him too. he said that he is used to seeing me everyday and it's odd if he doesnt get to see me. know wat? i kinda feel the same too. i love seeing him and having him around me. silly him asked me if i could go back to his place when i just got back home like for barely 3 hours. not that i dont want to but its gonna be a strain on my pocket. dont have the cash to take so many taxis around. esp with the midnight surcharge. how i want to be with him every minute of the day. i just cant get enough of him, but i dont want him to get sick of me cos we see one another every day. but i just dont want to make it seem like im not giving him his space and tat i need to see him all the time. he knows that i trust him. and he knows tat i dont mind him going out and hanging out with his friends and doing the guys stuff. i know he needs friends too. as much as i love him, i think we need time off one another from time to time. gives us a chance to miss one another. just like now.

fuck. i really miss him.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. i really do miss him. no i cant cry. too stupid to cry just cos im not with him at this time of the night.
i miss him. i miss kissing him, i miss touching him. i miss having him make sweet love to me. oh fuck i miss him so much.
steph, get a grip.
go sleep. yes i should go sleep.
sleep.
nite.

2003-05-08T04:23:00.000+08:00

2 months already..
yesterday was jon and i's 2 month of being together. wasnt really a good one. cos jon is the kind of guy who doesnt keep track of such dates and doesnt celebrate such occasions. been pretty upset at him for the past two days. cant blame me for doing that, cos i tot that his attitude towards me was bad, so i gave him a taste of his own medicine. i mean.. i know he can be insensitive and stuff, but sometimes he just didnt have to say things without running it thru his head.
first it was the day before yesterday, he asked if i was gonna go home or go back to his place with him, but then i asked him.. "Do YOU want me to go home?" then he replied me and said, u havent been home for a long time, u should go home. he didnt even answer the question!
he didnt even ask how's things at home before asking me to go home. things on the home front arent as good as it looks. didnt even talk to any of my sisters. only ppl i talked to was mom and my bro. felt so unwanted still. i didnt wanna go back but he was asking me to. so eventually i was unhappy and i was throwing a tantrum. he didnt even know why i was throwing a tantrum. argh. in the end, i got so fed up i said, "fine, im going home."
other than that, stephen was being a huge jerk yesterday. im on leave for a week and i went down to thawu.. he had a fight with jaime and he got drunk and he started ranting and raving, chasing the staff from cheeky monkeys(the bar next door whom we're having a war with cos of paula, the bitch owner) out of thawu. fuck, it is paula who is the bitch who did us wrong, not the staff, dont vent it on them, they didnt do anything to us. SamPaul came so close to punching him, but i stopped him and said that stephen is old and drunk, dont do it. but after sam and his company left, stephen continued calling him pariah and stuff.. and he called my jon a mama too! bloody hell.. no one calls my jon a mama k? though he is indian eurasian(mom is indian, dad is eurasian), he is half mama. mama is an insult. stephen went, "steph, why do u like mama fellas?! dont like them la!" and i said to him, "stephen, before u say anything else, dont make me snap at u. i love jon and for ur info, he is half mama." and stephen went, "fuck off la!" and just walked off. i was so outraged. fuck man..
oh yeah.. we have a new assistant manager at thawu. kinda glad that she's here with us. cos now all the shit with stephen and jaime might finally come to an end and we the staff might have a better time at work. she's called lisa, she's formally from hotstuff.
i've got lots of errands to run tmrw, my ngee ann matriculation package is finally here and i've filled up most of the forms. just need to run my errands tmrw, get the whole package ready and send it out. and also get my line reconnected. yay! i will finally have a phone again! =P
gotta go to bed now. need to wake up at noon-ish. jon would be going swimming tmrw and he's working at 6.. dunno till wat time. other than me running errands. i have no other plans.. maybe he'll be meeting me tmrw. *shrugs* nites
*poof*

2003-05-06T17:30:00.000+08:00

Flashback
how time flies.. its a tuesday of a brand new week. im home now. havent been home for more than a week since bryant's birthday. was put thru the firing squad when i got home on the 30th.. i didnt argue back, just kept a straight face as everyone at home blew at me. i pitied my brother. it was his birthday and he was gonna have a party but he had to see all that shit happen right before it. it was cos it was his birthday that i didnt want him to suffer, so i left the house promptly. i so wanted to stay and celebrate his birthday but then again, everyone was unhappy to see me. i just showered, changed and left for work.
got to work that evening but i couldnt fight the tears no more.. as i told vanessa wat happened at home, my tears just kept falling. she comforted and consoled me. and there i decided that maybe i should go away and stay away from home for awhile since im not wanted anyways. that night after supper, jon and i came back to my place and i packed my stuff and left home.
mom never realises how much what she says hurts me.. only when im gone does she think and realise abt the impact of her words. oh well.. he's like that.. im numb to it anyways.
the week that i was over at jon's.. there were times and moments that i just wanted to go back home. jon calls his home.. my home too. it's really sweet of him, i know.. but afterall, im still not a part of his family unless the day i am married to him. oh yeah, did i forget to mention.. he proposed on my birthday and i said yes. =) so now im verbally engaged to jon. hah. how ironic man.
another thing i forgot, i got into mass comm.. school starts in july. YAY!! that is another thing im happy about! =)
tmrw is jon and i's 2nd month of being together. it's been great, well.. not all the time but overall, im happy and he's happy.
my birthday was on the 26th. didnt do much on that day, but it was one of the moments which i will always remember. i got an ang pao from jon's mom. auntie ruby. on the 25th, uncle joe(jon's dad) called me on my hp and wished me a happy birthday, cos he thought it was on the 25th. i got a nice home made cake from joanne(jon's sis), two chocolate pound cake slices from sara lee and two scoops of chocolate ice cream on top of it. it was much but i loved every single bit of it.
i feel very loved and cared for in jon's home. something which i dont get at home, so maybe thats why im always there.
aunty ruby and uncle joe had a dinner gathering in the house on sunday, aunty ruby's friends came over.. i was introduced to them and i felt happy, like im part of them. first time for me to feel that way. before the guests came over, i helped aunty ruby in the kitchen, helped her to wash up abit, or wherever she needed me. it was nice. i ate alittle of dinner and she offered me wine. that was nice too. god, everything seems so nice over at jon's. but at mine, i feel so cold and alone. fuck that.
mom seems to miss me. she's been trying to contact me since my disappearance. cos my hp is down, im not contactable. didnt bother to call home anyways.the only time i called home since i left it was on the 30th itself. i got vanessa to call home and ask for bryant and then i wished him a happy birthday, with a muffled teary voice of course.
mom disconnected my singtel line. jon's dad was trying to contact jon so he smsed my singtel line, not knowing that it was in use by me anymore. mom called back to uncle joe's hp. woke him up and talked to him for abit. came back to jon's place after X-men 2 and was oddly informed my uncle joe that mom wants me to call home. called her and spoke to her for abit. nothing much..
oh yeah.. im trying to look for another job. sick of working at tha wu already. *sigh* trying to get work at the pet shop at river valley. jon is out of work, indigo closed down. he's been depressed cos of that. it affected our relationship somewhat but we're alright now.. hope everything goes well in the second half of the year..
i'll end here now.. continue it another time.. over and out.

2003-04-22T03:27:00.000+08:00

its like wat... four days to my birthday.. yay! wonder wat's in store for me.. prolly gonna get wasted on friday night.. while working. heh. anyways.. sorry jules.. sorry that i havent been posting in so long. i havent been home all week. where else can i be man? at jon's place lah. im gonna go there in a while too.

2003-04-15T04:39:00.000+08:00

ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! today is the 15th already. been like wat? a month since i posted? oh fuck.. too occupied with work la. goodness. havent been home lately too. hahaha. where else can i be? jon's house la.

oh yeah.. it's been slightly more than 1 month.. me and jon.. things r pretty good so far. i love him, yes i love him and he loves me too. it's odd n amusing how jon and i.. there's always something to fight or argue about. but at the end of the day, we'd always kiss and make up. =)
so many things have been going on in this while tat i havent posted. now i dont know where to start and wat to write about.

1. jon is so gorgeous.
2. jon is still so gorgeous.
3. jon would always be so gorgeous.

hahahahaha. ok nvm.i think i should stop being lame and get to wateva i have to write about. today is my mass comm interview... i applied, i qualified for the written test, took the written test and passed it and got into the interview. meeting up with panel b at 2:30pm in ngee ann poly.. prolly gonna meet up some friends too. heh. =P only then after the test would i know if i can get into mass comm.. jon is coming with me. yay! currently listening to some melodic trance. pretty nice.. good to stone and chillout to...
jon is over now.. called him and suddenly he said he was gonna come over... damn...
i wanted to post more but now i have to go.. need to pack my stuff and go over to jon's.. urgh.. jules. if ur reading.. i'll post more for u ok? =) *hugs*

2003-03-17T20:14:00.000+08:00

hey hey hey. im back. yes i know its been a few days. wat to do? i was over at jon's place for the past three days. heh.

alot of things happened these past few days... to be continued.. need to head to work already.. im late already.

2003-03-14T18:51:00.000+08:00

havent been posting in a while already. maybe cos there isnt really much to write about. but i do realise and notice that, ever since i got attached to jonathan, i've been moodier than before. im more stressed out than before. maybe cos i used to be alone, i didnt have to consider too much about other ppl's feelings other than mine. but now that im with jon, i have to think about him, wat he thinks and feels... and wat he says or does affects me. so maybe thats why i havent been posting.. consistent depression. stress. same thing everyday anyday.

oh yeah, cos of jon, i rejected vivek. it wasnt very nice though it was over the sms. i felt so bad about it. it simply killed me inside. i dont like hurting people. that day itself, i felt so fucked up. didnt smile or talk much watsoever. jon noticed that something was wrong and asked me about it. i just kept quiet and smiled, a weak and faint smile.

things havent been smooth with jon, i feel so distant. sometimes he is warm, sweet and close but on other times, he'd be alone, cold and distant. i keep wondering, is it something i did or said? maybe cos ive been seeing too often.. maybe..

was high again last night.. azmi.. made me drink so much. but yes i guess i did have a choice whether or not i wanted to drink. i was kinda upset last night cos of jon.. gawd! i need to take things slow man. not only is it bad for me, its unhealthy for my relationship with jon.

i was at the chalet with jon last weekend, we had fun. the first night i got damn wasted. heh. but the whole idea was that i spent time with jon. which was very nice. though i was bitten by mosquitoes( i had 15 bites!) and till now, im still itching from it.

ok i think i better go and get ready to go to work. if not i'd be damn late. i'll try to post more.. gonna add like two more poems to writingsonthewall. look out for it.

2003-03-09T19:19:00.000+08:00

was quite pissed off yesterday. called jon twice and he didnt pick up the phone, smsed him he also didnt reply. =\ but i got to see him after work so its alrite. i was beginning to lose faith but after seeing him and spending time with him, my faith returned and deepened.

we went to newton after work with vanessa, sharifa, ryda and some folks. newton was closing.. didnt get to eat much food but its ok. went home and smsed jon, he asked me why i cared for him so much. i told him i just do, i dont know why. it just comes naturally to me i guess. im beginning to fall for him i think. yes love. love. and i pray i wont get hurt. cos sagis arethe kind where they dont really show that they care.. or should i say, they dont care much. and im a person who needs to be shown and showered with alot of love. *sigh*
i need lovvvvvvveeeeeee....

anyways, last night's work was not too bad. i had fun, was a bit high from the alcohol.. saw some beautiful people like christian. and some folks said i looked good and cute in my osh kosh b'gosh overalls and my white sportsbra, plaits and glasses. heh. =P

okay, im gonna go bathe now. meeting jon later i hope.

2003-03-08T06:36:00.000+08:00

damn.. havent posted in two days.. and why? all cos of my irritating brother who has no respect for me watsoever.. he hid the keyboard and thus i couldnt go online and stuff. as for the cdrs.. wat's more infuriating is that not only did he not return me a new cdr. he had the cheek to say that he didnt care and him being the naive one to believe that the cdr aint mine and offered 60cents for the cdr. wat a bastard. sometimes, i really feel like killing him.

the day before yesterday.. went for supper with sonia, vanessa and jonathan at river valley. we had so much fun.. vanessa was hilarious! we were sitting beside this dental clinic.. called gentle dental clinic and vanessa changed it and called it GENITAL dental clinic.. so funny!! lol. then took the cab home with jonathan and he went home too lah.

yesterday wat happened ah? *thinks* it was thursday.. ladies night.. hmmm... oh yeah, fiza almost got into a physical fight with a female customer.. who was drunk.. then after work i went to stay over at jonathan's place, to give him a back rub(he was working at chinablack the day before and he rolled down the stairs when a drunk customer pulled him along), then we kinda got kinky and made out with one another, but other than that, nothing lah.. no sex watsover. hehe. he's got a birthmark on his dick. heehee. and he is sensitive on the back, chest and torso area. hehehe. and of course, he found out my sensitive areas too. =P

did i mention tat im no longer single? i guess it's easy to guess who im with. yes it is jonathan. i havent told vivek yet though. i dont know how to put it to him. but i guess i'd stop making out and being close to him. and also cut down on the phone calls and stuff. just have him as a friend. *shrugs*

2003-03-05T03:47:00.000+08:00

im a lil pissed off with my brudder. he took one of the empty CDs and burnt his songs. fuck. that asshole. it is meant for ryda and vanessa.. the CDs dont belong to me. bloody hell. he better go buy a new one and replace it tmrw or im gonna fuck him up.

2003-03-05T03:36:00.000+08:00

home now. read casey's and aresha's blog.. seems that wat's going on in aresha's life is affecting casey too.. alot of my friends are not having a really nice time now.. *sigh*

as for me.. im finally home. got home at around nine.. woke up at 3 plus this afternoon..
last night after hendrix.. jonathan came to get me, he gave me a nice hug and we took a walk down to peninsula.. he withdrew money and then we sat at the bustop for awhile.. he told me about the stuff we had to do earlier and the shit that just blew up in his face.. and also, he actually made up his mind to join ThaWu but then cos of the shit, he has to stay. at least till things are better.. =\ after we talked for awhile.. he asked me where i wanted to go.. it was already 3 plus in the morning... i really had no idea where i wanted to go.. so i said i dont know.. in the end, he gave me two choices.. i dont know or his house..
guess where i ended up, heh.. of course his house. he has a messy room.. pretty typical of a male. then i took a shower at his place and changed into some of his clothes. slept all way till 3 plus in the afternoon. lol.. surprisingly, nothing happened. we just occasionally held and cuddled in bed. he was only wearing a pair of shorts and nothing else. did i mention in my last blog that he has a pretty nice body? hehe.
it was nice being around him.. i like being around him. i think i like him too.
aresha's birthday is coming.. hehe.. have already thought about wat to buy for her. its going to be a surprise.. im sure she'd like them. =)
came home and called vivek.. he was with ryan. he went to pass ryan the gig photos. then when he got home.. he called me. i told him about jonathan and talked to him about us. he seems ok with it. anyways, he is coming over to my place tmrw.

2003-03-04T01:34:00.000+08:00

am at hendrix bar now.. chilling out with victor in his little office. fuck its freezing cold. oh yeah, i havent slept since 5:30am this morning when i came home after work. finally went to ngee ann poly to sumit that application form for mass comm.. went with jonathan, he bumped into some old friends and ppl he knew cos of his ex gf. his ex gf is from mass comm too.. heard that they broke up cos she called his mom a bitch. doesnt that bitch now wat is basic respect for elders? tskk.
then after ngee ann poly, we went to world trade centre by bus, was trying to look for a UOB ATM but jonathan was damn suay today i guess.. everywhere we went we couldnt find one. then wat's worse, is that he dropped his coins on the bus when we got up. damn paiseh. (another thing was that in the morning, he was supposed to be at my house at 9am, but then his sister was very ill and he rushed her to the hospital.. then he only reached my place at like 11 plus.) in the end.. went all the way to tanjong pagar to find the machine.. got his cash and stuff.. then took a cab to sentosa.. by then it was already like 3 plus.. more than half the day's sun gone. hehehe
cos the point of me going there is to tan u see... but later when we got there.. he got his beer and soon he was happy again =) gave him a backrub and i think that made him happy too. had a pretty nice time there.. though i was like half dead and damn tired.. was mobbed by mosquitoes. urgh. hate em. jonathan was sucha sweetheart all day.. im beginning to like him more.. but i think it is impossible btwn us. *shrugs*
okok.. now i need to wait for him to come back from Eastside and get me at where i am now.. he said he should be here at abt 3:15am.. another 1 and half hours plus more. damn boooooorrrreeeddd... ok i think im gonna stop here for now.. cant think of anything else to write.. tmrw im off again.. im wondering wat i can do besides catching up on my rest and sleep... * thinks*

2003-03-03T12:15:00.000+08:00

oopsie, was supposed to post after i came home yesterday but then somehow i didnt. anyways, it's like 12 noon already and i havent slept since i came home from work and supper with jonathan, vanessa, ryda, sonia, sara, wan, stanley and blah~ we all went to river valley to have prata. damn good prata i'd say..
oh yeah.. things are more complicated now.. jonathan told me that he likes me alot. *sigh* like how i'd react to everyone regarding this issue, HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW?!!! damn. ryda said that i shouldnt put too much thought into it. but i cant help it lah.
heh. another thing. finally.. vivek has come out of his shell.. we actually held hands once in a while and we kinda like kissed and made out. =)
i dont know lahhhhhh.. im getting more and more confused. i dont know who i want. urghhhhh...
oh well.. anyways.. went for the impiety gig and it was pretty good. lots of ppl went.. saw selina there. saw another jonathan, harpreet, rachel and jeevz there.
i think i should get going now.. need to go back to school to sumit the application form.. then head to sentosa with jonathan. did i forget to mention that he is with me now? =P
sis got a new pup again. it is a pug.. the MIB frank u know... heh. damn cute. ok im outz!

2003-03-01T08:49:00.000+08:00

oh damn, i didn't get to meet vivek and ryan afterall. by the time i got ready, it was just nice for me to go to work. fuck. i need to do something about my time management. stupid me.

okok.. i really gotta go to sleep now. it's going to be nine in the morning. have to get up a few hours later to go for the gig. i'll come back and post more.. laterz

2003-02-28T16:41:00.000+08:00

yesterday was a damn busy day... worked and the club was fucking packed to the max. and there was only two floor staff.. got shit from the two bastards over not switching off the lights and air-con. how dumb can that be? i guess tonight would be damn packed too. urgh. got the 50cents cd launch party and drinks would be going at 50cents from 7-9. all the cheapskates would be coming down i guess. haha. :P

im beginning to feel the vibes coming from vivek.. i guess thats a good thing. as for jonathan.. things r pretty much stagnant btwn me and him.. good i guess. going out with him on monday.. i think we're gonna go to sentosa go tanning. heheh. havent tanned for a damn long time.. yay! the only thing im looking forward to for the next week. urgh, have to work thru sunday this week, ryda is sick. she'd be on MC for 5 days. something abt her ear infection. i hope she gets well soon.. or at least she's ok. the best part would be the cash i guess. heheh.

ok, if can i'll go and meet vivek and ryan later.. before i go to work. for now i have to go get ready, if not i'd be late and i cannot meet them.. then have to go straight to work. *sigh* damn tired. and im craving for prata. SHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAHHHHH Alam prata of course. hehheh

2003-02-27T16:18:00.000+08:00

did i mention that till now i still havent hugged vivek? *sigh*

2003-02-27T16:17:00.000+08:00

been abt two weeks since i posted.. shucks... i need to start posting more.. need to keep this place more updated. i think ive got quite abit to talk abt. firstly, about vivek. then jonathan(guy from indigo) vivek came back from his trip to bombay.. those he was only there for like 11 days.. i missed him. and i got to know his guy who works at indigo, he is a bartender, he is called jonathan, he is indian eurasian and he is 23. he is a sagittarus.. nice guy i tell u. went out with him on the same day i went out with vivek. had a pretty enjoyable time though i got damn wasted that night at tha wu. he was really nice, took great care of me though i was puking, and he sent me home nicely. :) we kissed that night, but it wasnt much, cos it was afterall the stakes of the pool table. i lost to him, so he got a kiss. on the same night, i found out that travis, an old friend of mine would be going into prison.. he peddled drugs.. ice and weed.. and he got caught. was kinda sad. dont like seeing or knowing that friends r going into prison u know..
anyways.. talking abt jonathan.. he lives in hougang and he said that he'd love to go out with me again. i would love to go out with him, but some part of me is afraid cos im someone who falls in love so easily. jonathan is like the perfect househusband, he cooks, cleans, bakes, and etc.. the way he talks to me.. like for example, he'd go, come to my house one day and u'd see my bed and my room, very neat.. and i'd cook for u.. bake nice cakes and cookies.. *sigh* i feel strong vibes from him.. but no i cant, i've always been waiting for vivek to come back from bombay.. and i also found out that he feels the same way abt me too, just that he wants to take things slow.. but like vanessa(my colleague) says, does vivek expect me to wait for him to make the move?
but at the same time, she told me that if i dont like jonathan, tell him straight and dont wait till he likes me many many then break his heart. i dont wanna do that, i dont want to hurt anyone. not vivek, not jonathan and i dont wanna get hurt.
no one has any idea how afraid i am to make a decision btwn them two. cos there is always a risk involved. im so afraid of things not working out and hitting back into square one again...
yesterday i worked and i was bitten by a human being.. bitten by this guy on the cheek.. he was leaving and he kissed me cheek to cheek but suddenly bite my left cheek. fuck it hurt. i screamed out in pain balls... i forgot to mention.. this guy who bit me.. i knew him from sometime back.. he's a regular at wu bar. but i got to know him cos of cleo.. i interviewed him before.. but the worst thing a guy could ever say to a girl would be.. u put on weight man.. and yes he said that to me.. urgh.

2003-02-14T18:23:00.000+08:00

hmmm... been two weeks since chinese new year.. visiting was okay.. nothing much.. collected abit of cash.. returned dil his cash too. so i guess things were pretty alright. remember that time i worked full-time with thaWu bar then i quit cos mom wasnt happy abt me working there 6 days a week? now im doing part-time with them.. i get to choose when i wanna work.. but then today is valentine's day and i still have to work. im so sad. i feel lonelier than ever.

oh yeah.. last monday.. i fought with the bitch of a sister of mine. the eldest one. she attcaked me twice and she scratched me. i was just sitting by the com. just started chatting then she asked mom to take away the keyboard.. then when mom didnt. she took it herself. so i swore at her.. called her fucking bitch.. then she threatened to slap me.. then i told her i wasnt afraid of her.. so she came unto me and tried to slap me.. i blocked and struggled with her and then she scratched me. i began to bleed.. fucking painful i tell u.. started to cry cos of the pain.. then i called aresha.. asked her if i could stay over at her place.. and all the while i was on the phone, mom and that bitch was always listening in. she attacked me a second time when i was walking thru the kitchen doorway and she was in my way.. i pushed my way thru and she pushed me and tried to hit me again. i kicked her in the stomach and she was thrown for abt a metre back. heheheheheh. finally... i defended myself! :) then i packed my stuff and ran out of the house in tears. i was supposed to go to give tuition at 6:30 and 8 at thawu.. but cos i looked like fuck.. i didnt go for both.. in the end.. i went to meet the fellas.. aresha, siva, tas, jonathan, manz, kumz, harpreet at devonshire..

2003-01-31T23:20:00.000+08:00

hmm.. wat's there to update? today is chinese new year eve. was supposed to go to changi green.. relative's place for reunion dinner. but bitch of a sister stole my 30 bucks which i borrowed from my mom. i was intending to grab a cab to changi.. but no money no nothing, so i am stuck at home.. my own reunion dinner was rice with fried chicken pieces and egg. quite pathetic eh?

*sigh* probably missing out on all the angbaos. fuck. damn irritated.

2003-01-31T01:43:00.000+08:00

its a thursday today.. havent been posting in a long long while. so many things to update. so little time.
maybe i shoudl start with the selina issue.. which was soo long time ago. it was all over a guy.. which is damn stupid.. all along i've always tot that selina likes this guy called anil(not my ex) and then okay.. one friday we were at hendrix.. and there's this guy called rory who was there.. he is vanessa and victoria's brother. both of us coincidentally asked him to dance with us.. and he did.. but later.. it happens that rory was dancing with me and not with selina.. but the thing is that rory and i werent dancing alone. we were dancing with sharina. then suddenly, sharina asks me if i knew that selina likes rory. i was shocked and the next thing i know.. selina's cousin bohan, comes up to me and drags me out of hendrix, sits me down at coffee bean and starts saying that i stole selina's guy again for the second time and keep making her cry. i was like wtf? so indirectly, he was calling me a slut. i was like furious cos i did NOT steal guys from selina. she's my good friend.. i dont do such shit to others, let alone my friends. i told rory abt it and he was soo apologetic.. but its not his fault anyways. so since then.. selina and i dont talk. then the next two weeks, everytime bohan sees me, he'd call me a slut. and everytime he says that, selina would just be standing there. so one fine thursday.. i was there with alex, anna, charmain, diana and joel.. bohan called me a slut again and i got so pissed off. i went up to him and said, 'if im a slut, what does it make u? a manwhore?' and he replied me and said, 'yeah im a manwhore'. i was so fucking pissed off. then anna asked me wat was wrong and i told her everything... she then asked me to point out who bohan was.. i was reluctant at first.. but then later i did. i was on my way home.. then suddenly.. anna came running out of hendrix asking me to run too. i was like wtf? and she said she punched him in the face. i was beyond words... after that.. like a couple of days or a week later.. selina came to talk to me. she gave me a lecture.. for asking my friend to do the dirty business for me. but the shit is that i didnt! then she kept swearing at me.. saying that it is my fault and that it is none of anna's fucking business to get herself involved.. then when i argued.. saying that it is none bohan's business either.. and what's his problem for calling me a slut? she said that she didnt know that bohan was calling me a slut all the while and that she scolded for that.. but the thing is.. selina was always around when bohan called me a slut. she also said that bohan did that cos he was defending her.. but then i rebuked.. anna was defending me too..
she just refused to listen.. and i just put her on ignore. i havent talked to her ever since.
and just last night, at hendrix.. she and bohan was there. i just treated as though she didnt exist. likewise in her case.

2002-12-12T02:20:00.000+08:00

Goodness.. i havent posted in more than a month.. shucks.. i guess ive been pretty occupied with looking for a job and stuff like that. hopefully i'd get the airlines customer service job thingy.. and money wouldnt be an issue anymore. Besides that.. there really isnt much going on.. cept that there r a couple of new guys in my life.. like Jasdeep and Jeevz.. whom i got to know cos of Jonathan, not forgetting Harpreet, Kumz, Munz and etc. Well.. ive been going to Hendrix alot. A little too much.. thats why this week im staying home. Today is Thursday and i havent really been out for the past four days. which is good.

been broke too, wat to do? i dont have a job and mom aint giving me allowance. oh yeah.. i wrote a new poem.. going to put it up unto writings on the wall..
guess wat.. last week was a really bad week. bumped into Jinder and his gf.. some background on Jinder.. guy i've been dating.. though i know that he has a gf. i have no intention of breaking them up and he has no intention of breaking up with his gf either. so i guess its alright. Besides that, a few days before i bumped into Jinder, I bumped into my ex-bf Anil. i was walking along orchard with Selina.. at lucky plaza.. he was just on my mind when i suddenly looked up and saw him. he was right in front of me and i called out to him.. odd that i did. we hugged and he asked if i changed my mobile number.. it is just that i changed back to my old number. yeah.. anyways, he asked for my number and i gave it to him.. said bye to him and continued walking with Selina to meet Siva.

I was having dinner with Selina and Siva when Anil called.. he asked me where i was and i told him i was having dinner at Far East Plaza. He told me that he was at scotts and that he was walking towards Far East and he asked me if i wanted to meet up with him for awhile and catch up with him. i asked him why.. and he said he wanted to catch up.. so i said ok.. he came to meet me and it seems that automatically, he'd just put his hands around my waist like he used to. but the worst part came when we made out. i knew we shouldnt have and i knew that i shouldnt have let him.. but i dont know.. i dont know wat made me say yes.. i guess seeing him brought back all the feelings that i had for him. i felt really horrible after that.. *sigh*

anyways, Fran is in town, Fitzy's gf. Fitzy is a brother like figure whom i used to sort of have a crush on him. Fitzy was in town not too long back.. but i just missed him... oh well. Fran and i talked on the phone the other night for hours.. i really enjoyed talking to her.. she's really wonderful.. i can tell why fitzy is so head over heels in love with her. but it is also thru Fran that i found out alot of stuff about Fitzy.. :)

in this month, i also called Chris, Chris Baker from Texas USA. the guy who was at my House party back last Feb. he's cute and he's really nice.. we had a really great talk over the phone. im so going to die cos of the long-distance call expenses.. what's most important now is to get money to cover all of my expenses.

i guess this is a quick summary of what happened in the month.. oh yeah.. im ok with darsh now already i guess. im waiting to receive the documentations of the job thingy in SoundJuice Australia. i hope it'd be good and successful, then i'd be moving to Sydney.. im going to end here now.. will try to post more often.. bye!

2002-11-02T22:54:00.000+08:00

oh yeah... i forgot to add.. i kissed 4 girls on the cheeks.. not in the greeting kind of way.. hmm.. my lesbian tendencies seem to be on the high. i dirtydanced with this girl called joyce.. she's a really good dancer. and i realised that alot of the guys around the pool table that we were dancing at.. were all staring at us dancing.. they had this kinky and interested look in their eyes. but i think some of them were actually wondering if we were really lesbians.. but honestly.. im not. cos im not interested in girls.. i have what they have so i dont see a point in being lesbian. :P

2002-11-02T19:40:00.000+08:00

hey. not a very good day today.. in fact, it's been a really boring saturday.. last night's clubbing was alright.. but it was kinda boring.. cos it was like damn crowded.. so little space to dance. alot of people i knew were there too.. Camellia, charmain, selina, jen, darrell, james, solomon, varian, suko, sharina, vanessa, erika, joyce, mark, jasper, david... selina and i left at about 2:15.. and i got home at about 2:30.. took a shower and got online for awhile before i went to bed.

was awoken really early cos darsh called.. at 10:35am.. i was intending to wake up at like noon. but then he called.. argh. nevermind.. i still got to talk to him for abit.. since he doesnt really call much. havent seen him in awhile as well..
after that, i made breakfast, my ham and egg sandwiches.. 2 of them.. it was delicious!! plus milk of course. =)

then stayed online as usual for awhile.. went to watch tv.. and then went back to bed. and slept till like four. lol.. woke up at 4 then went to take a bath.. really nice bath.. :) hahaha.. i had a kinky dream.. dreamt of a cute guy and .... u should be able to know wat happened in the dream.. lol

oh yeah, and i found out that seventeen has sufficient interns. so iguess i have to look elsewhere. but my last day with CLEO is next friday and i'd prolly go clubbing next friday as well. lol..

well.. my blog is much more alive now that i have 3 blogs.. but i guess i need to learn how to figure to put up pix.. yeah.. i want to put pics and make it more interesting.. maybe start a blog of the guys that i date.. then add their pics.. lol..

crazy me.. nothing new i guess. ok.. i'll stop here now.. and play pool with Rammie. :P

2002-11-01T17:30:00.000+08:00

hmm.. times flies, i've been working for CLEO for almost a month already. i love my job and everything that is in it. though it is alot of running around and work to do, but i'm happy cos i realised that it is my passion. i love every single bit of it. but due to my financial problems, i cant stay. i have to go out to look for a job that pays me. i have bills to pay and i need the cash to survive. god! if only CLEO paid me. oh well, it doesn't mean that i wouldn't be able to come back to CLEO and continue. or u know what? i found out that seventeen editorial pays their interns allowance, so maybe i'd give that a shot. :) it'd still be the same work wouldn't it?

its friday and it would be a long weekend ahead with deepavali on sunday and monday being a public holiday. work as usual on tuesday. i have alot of things to do this weekend, have to go source for stuff needed for a photoshoot that is due on tuesday, then come up with a list of stuff for jan's smart report. and my 'what's on' article is due on tuesday as well.. plus the 'eat out' hotplate column.. i need to go find a place that sells cheap and good food.

busy busy busy... among all those things i have to get done, i still have to look for a job. *sigh* i hope i can join charles(a guy i just got to know... he is 22 and he is earning more than 2k a month.) in the firm he is working for. hopefully i will get to meet him tmrw.

anyways, i met Jinder last night for a movie. watched ballistic starring antonio banderas and lucy liu. crap movie i tell u.. it is really bad, believe me... horrible story plot they've got. yuck! but it was a nice date =P.. we were making out in the theatre.. him tantalizing me by leaving kisses all over my neck and my shoulder. hehe. okay! too much info there. *laughs*

and tonight, im going clubbing!! :) hopefully it would be good and hopefully i will get to meet randall there. but one thing is for sure. im meeting Varian to get his pics for my street interview. hehehehe. he's a hottie but he's attached to my darling gf Atsuko. she's cute and he's hot so i think they are really compatible. :)

hmm.. i've got alot to update cos i haven't really posted a full blown blog for sometime already. i will post up my poems soon.. in the other blog.. writings on the wall.. :) for now... i'll just go poof!

2002-10-27T22:14:00.000+08:00

It's been a long while since I last posted a blog. Been really busy with work I guess. Going around running errands, doing street interviews, loaning items and returning items that were loaned. Besides of all that, I do get the chance to write articles and see my work published and read by the mass public.Though the hours are long and I don't get paid but the amount of job satisfaction is unbelievable. Well.. at least to me.
Alot has happened in this while.. like the Jen incident.. whereby she has been bitching about me to Darsh. Things between me and Darsh seems kinda bland and cold. He seems to be drifting further and further away from me. But seriously.. he is not the only guy on earth that I have no other choice but him... well.. I took a long time to post this.. but I will try to get back to it soon.. gonna go to bed now.. nite nite!

2002-10-07T04:59:00.000+08:00

Just done with the cookies. Pretty amazed with myself. I just baked 2 and a half jars' worth of cookies. Yum! They're double choco chip cookies with M&M's in em. Damn.. my sore throat aint gonna get any better.

Well, at least I have something to look forward to later in the day. Cos Im meeting some peeps in the evening!! Cute guy Varian, Kevin, and Ferouz. Would be going shopping with them for Varian's pair of Levi's engineered jeans. I'd never say no to seeing a cute guy. Hehe. =P~~ Damn, Ben is calling me at 8am. That is about 3 hours away and Im still awake. Gotta go to bed soon or I wouldnt be able to get up.

Just spoke to Donald on the phone. Fellow Blogger. Hehe. He was the one who introduced me to Blog.. So.. Cheers to him! Cos Im really beginning to like this Blog thingy.

Alrite now, time for bed.. Goodnight to myself.. Wonder what Im gonna be dreaming of... =)

2002-10-07T02:20:00.000+08:00

This is my first entry. Its a Monday already. Hmm.. I wonder if i should go over to Ben's house to pay him a visit. At the same time, Im worried that things might happen. alot of things have happened in this year. Alot of good, bad and normal things. But most of those changes required me to make important decisions. Till this very day, Im still wondering if it was a right thing to do to leave school. I dont really regret my decision but I sure do miss my friends. I miss Winnie, Jonathan, Yanzhang, Stephen, Arvind and etc.. *sigh*

Something is wrong with me. I cant sleep. Prolly cos I slept the whole sunday away. Was suppose to meet Darsh at the beach today but it was raining so it was off. Oh well.. Anyways, Darsh is a date. Been dating him for about 2 weeks already. We're totally behaving like a couple but we arent one. I guess we're just enjoying one another's company.

I think im crazy, for Im baking cookies at this hour. Its 2am and Im gonna bake cookies. Like I said.. there is really something wrong with me. Fuck it. Am I weird or am I weird?

This week is going to be really exciting. Well at least I hope it would be. Im gonna start my internship with CLEO tomorrow and I cant wait! Dont know why but Im really looking forward to it.

Vanessa's and Axxx's birthday party is this saturday and Im invited. Im still deciding whether or not I should go. Cos it's CLEO's birthday bash at Centro and I really dont wanna miss it. I dont wanna miss my gfs' birthday party too.. *sigh* I guess I would only know which one Im attending later in this week. Havent gotten them pressies either. Crap. What to buy for them?! I figured that an optical mouse would be good for Axxx.. but what do I buy for Vanessa?